Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Deeper Still: A Divine Appointment Indeed
By the time I pulled into the dark parking lot of the hotel at nearly 1:00 a.m., I was spent. I had been trying to get there for what seemed like forever. My heart was pounding and my mind was racing as I handed my keys to the man at the valet desk and made my way to Room 112. Heavier than either the bag on my shoulder or the box of t-shirts in my arms was the need to look into the eyes that were awaiting me, to fall into the arms it had taken me so long to reach. I wondered if I would cry. I thought I might laugh. But when the door slowly opened, I did neither. There, in that little room, were six of the best friends I will ever have. As I hugged them one by one, I began to wonder if that is what Heaven might be like. Our babies are already there, after all, so we have each spent a great deal of time trying to imagine how our eternal home will be. There in that simple hotel room in Atlanta, in the middle of that June night, I believe we were given just a glimpse.
We stayed awake, chatting in our pajamas like old friends instead of women who had just met until our eyes finally closed. Sweet Kenzie fell asleep before the rest of us, as her body is working hard as the Lord knits her third child together in her womb. What a blessed little girl that will be to have one big brother in the world and one big brother in Heaven. Sweet Maddox was born in January and opened his eyes to gaze upon his earthly father just before he closed them and saw his Heavenly One. In a moment, he changed more lives than most people do in many years. We slept in the next morning, and then made our way down to Starbucks to continue our conversations over the very comfort foods (and beverages, of course) that have helped to sustain our broken hearts this year. Just to sit all together at one table instead of in separate drive-thru's scattered all across the country was a miracle and a joy to behold!
That afternoon, we pulled the brown t-shirts I had carried in the night before over our heads and everything changed. Like soldiers dressed for battle, we headed to the airport to gather one more sister before we went to worship together at Deeper Still: The Event. Just four weeks before Karen stepped off that plane, her precious baby boy Jacob Ryan had left his earthly father's arms for his Heavenly Father's hands. Her third son, he had lived a miraculous 138 days in this world as a Trisomy 18 miracle. It was only fitting that Yvette was waiting there to meet her, too. Her third son, Tristan Asher, was the only other one of the babies represented that weekend who had made it home from the hospital. He, too, was a Trisomy 18 miracle and spent an incredible 56 days under our sun before he, too, found complete healing at home in Heaven. When we rejoined our group, I had the privilege of introducing my sweet new friend to every one in the group and one more special grieving mother, our friend Kirsten. By God's divine intervention, that California girl was also in Atlanta and she needed to look into eyes and be embraced by arms who understand just as much as any of us. Her first baby girl, Chloe Faith, was born into the arms of Jesus in April and changed her life forever. Meeting for the first time was such an unnecessary charade. We knew each other by heart.
Kim and I share the bond of being Kentucky girls. Atlanta wasn't our first meeting. I met her for the first time just days after she was given the incredible honor of holding her third daughter, the beautiful Mary Grace, for seven sacred hours. As long as I live, I will never forget how it felt to see that tiny white casket covered in roses resting silently at the front of all those pews. I knew I was standing on holy ground. It had only been six months since my husband and I had endured that impossible task. It was an unspeakable honor to finally embrace the woman I had prayed so fervently for. It broke my heart to know that she, too, understood the pain of standing with an empty, still womb before a tiny casket that held the treasure she had cherished for so long. And yet, even then, she and I knew that the Lord was working. His plan was bigger than we knew. As we exchanged glances and laughter over that lunch table with seven other women who knew the same secret in Atlanta, we believed it more than ever.
I never dreamed when I held my sweet Miller Grace and sang to her until the angels carried her home on the morning of June 28 last year that I would even be standing one year later, much less standing and worshiping our Maker with the mothers of her best friends in Heaven! The two days we spent together with our arms raised high in praise to our Lord, with the names and life spans of our babies written on our backs, were simply too sacred for words. Try as I might, I could never capture the sanctity of such a divine appointment. We shared everything from snacks to tears as Priscilla reminded us that even the Israelites endured a time of wilderness before they were able to stand on the mountain of God. We wept as we watched her throw her elbow in the air, portraying to us how a mother eagle will offer a wing to her little ones when she realizes they cannot fly on their own. We swallowed hard and nodded when she said the Lord will do the same for us. We sat still while our hearts were absolutely moved as Kay Arthur challenged us to open our eyes and see the state of our nation for what it is. We took it to heart when she called us to action. When we sat on the sidewalk to eat our boxed lunches together, we were more determined than ever to make the most of the moments we are given in this world.
We held our breaths as Beth Moore took the stage. She has played such a crucial role in so many of our lives during this season. When she said she felt moved to offer a time of prayer before she spoke, we needed it more than anyone. When we found the strength and the joy we needed to return to our seats, we were thirsty for a Word and she did not disappoint. Grief has a way of making a girl desperate for relief and sweet Beth reminded us that Jesus is the One and Only Deliverer. By the time the praise band took the stage again, our group of eight from all walks of life and all corners of the nation couldn't help but lock hands in the air. I think I will always count those moments I spent with my left hand in Karen's and my right hand in my dear friend Chrissy's among the sweetest I have known. Chrissy and I share the special bond of having held little dark haired girls for five days before they breathed their last against our chests. There is not a doubt in my mind that Eva Janette, Miller Grace, and all their precious friends were worshipping right alongside us that day.
As the event came to a close, our adventure reached its climax. We filed into a small vacant room backstage, and absolutely could not believe it when Beth Moore and her own baby girl followed us in. I can speak for all of us when I say we would give just about anything to have video footage of those moments to watch over and over again on hard days. With all the intensity of a woman on fire for God and all the love of a mother with a heart broken for us, she called us to our knees. As she, her daughter Amanda, and our dear new friend Michelle walked around us and laid their beautiful hands on us, Beth offered up the most beautiful prayer to our Lord that my ears have ever heard. She was undaunted as the sound of our sobbing and the presence of our Lord filled the room. She continued to petition God on our behalf, to ask Him to be glorified in our lives, to make Satan sorry he ever messed with us, to bring healing here and to transform our ashes into beauty. Though I doubt she knew it, Beth Moore instilled in us that day a courage to pray boldly to our Lord, a hope that beauty is indeed on its way even when ashes are all we can see, and a peace that comes only in knowing that His plan is still to prosper us and not to harm us, to give us hope and a future.
I will never forget standing there with one of my hands on the back of Beth Moore and my eyes on the seven women who held my heart, there on the very day on the calendar that my girl finally received healing one year before. June 28th is a day of redemption indeed. I will forever be moved to envision in my mind, again and again and again, how Beth embraced our sweet friend Kristy that day. She is perhaps the most faithful of us all, as she is the mother of two little boys in Heaven. Kristy and I share the bond of being mothers to little ones whose neurological conditions cannot be named or explained, while the rest of our friends' little ones share the commonality of having been diagnosed with Trisomy 18 prior to birth or soon thereafter. Kristy's second son, Isaac Matthew, would be three this year and Asher Joseph, her fourth son, joined his brother just four months ago. To listen as she told Beth her one prayer request in all of this is that the Lord would be glorified somehow spoke volumes to our broken hearts. Only God.
Overwhelmed by His goodness, resting in His grace, we did what all smart women do: we went to the Mexican restaurant! It was then that I finally had the chance to really talk with Angie, the mother of precious Poppy Joy. Her blog was the first one I had dared to read during those first months after Miller Grace left us. I will never forget praying for that beautiful baby girl while she was in Angie's womb, then marveling over her beauty and the joy that filled her pictures that day in December. When I read of her arrival, the beautiful three hours she spent with her family, and her gentle passing all in one post, I realized for the first time that I was not alone. And I began to suspect the Lord was up to something wonderful. As we sat there, changed women knitted together by sorrow and grace, that Saturday afternoon in Atlanta, it was confirmed. He is absolutely on the move.
The Lord does not always work in ways we expect and sometimes, He works in ways that break our hearts. But He is still good and He is still worthy of our praise. No matter the heartache, the joy will always outweigh the sorrow in the end. The weeping may last for a night - or a year - but the joy is on its way. We may be wandering in the wilderness tonight, but we can rest assured that we are on our way to the Promised Land. We cannot afford to waste a single moment that we are given. Little babies that lived six days, five days, three hours, seven hours, one moment, fifty-six days, thirty-five minutes, five days, and one hundred thirty-eight days came to remind us to live each breath to its fullest. Their tiny footprints are big shoes to fill we know, but it is our heart cry and our sincerest prayer that the Lord might use their little legacies and our lives to challenge you to do the same.
TrackBack URL for this entry:
http://blogs.lifeway.com/cgi-bin/mt/mt-tb.cgi/1069
Comments (22)
Dori said...
SPEECHLESS...but sobbing!
Blessings,
Dori
kim said...
WOW
I sit here in tears as I read the account of how God showed Himself in Atlanta to these beautiful women of God!
God has taken the interenet and used it for His glory!
He allows us to find comfort in Him through fellow Christians suffering in the same way
It just reminds me what these conferences are all about - worshipping, praising, and crying out to the ONLY ONE WE NEED!!
God bless
Kim
Christi said...
Dear Emily, this has to be one of the most absolutely breathtakingly beautiful, while at the same time heart-wrenching, posts I have ever read. You are all amazing women, and I am sure you are having an impact on women all over the world of which you will never know the extent until you reach heaven. I am humbled by your commitment to and love for your Savior and for your precious babies. Beauty will indeed rise from the ashes and the oil of gladness from the mourning... you have already displayed the garment of praise covering your heaviness of spirit. You have brought the sacrifice of praise into His house. Thank you for being willing to share so that God may be praised and satan defeated!
Emily said...
Oh sweet Michelle. I emailed before I read your comment... and yet we said the same words. His Story. Indeed it is. Thank you for letting it be told. And thank you for letting me tell it. I am more blessed than you'll ever know to have been given the opportunity... to hold that girl for five days, to fall in love with the mothers of her best friends in Heaven, to stand and tell the greatest story I have ever heard. God is so, so good.
Kristy said...
Wow! To see it all here in print, just about sucks the wind right out of me. Thank you Michelle for allowing our story to be told. Through the most difficult times of my life, God always makes his presence known. This trip was one of those ways. Thank you Emily for telling our story so beautiully, no one could have written that but you!
Kristy said...
I noticed the link for my name wasn't working...if anyone is interested in Isaac and Asher's story the link is www.babybolte.blogspot.com
Beth said...
I am just sitting at my desk bawling. I will never forget that meeting either. Our picture is sitting just to my right and I can reach right over and touch all of your beautiful faces with my fingertips. I have prayed for you and cannot wait to witness the stunning "Well Done!" you girls are going to get from your Heavenly Father - AND with all of your sons and daughters standing proudly by. I told another friend who has lost a child that I hope my job in Heaven - until the completion of all things - is to rock babies until their mommies get there. I'd be so honored to rock yours.
I love you,
Beth
April said...
Emily,
Since I have been following each of you ever since I read a comment you left on the LPM Blog, I knew each of these stories...yet somehow, it was all new. I was reading each account one word at a time since I could not see through the tears.
We are all blessed by the legacy each of you have left in honor of your children.
His Story, Indeed.
April
Karen Fahmer said...
Thank you Emily for writing about my Jacob Ryan and allowing him to touch your life and bring me to Deeper Still. Thank you Michelle for falling in love with our babies and allowing thier lives to touch others through this site. This is all a dream I would not have even been able to foresee. Thank you!
Susie said...
Beautiful... Emily, you've put into perfect words what God has done in your lives, and similarly in my life. Many blessings on you - and yes, God has turned it for good!
erin said...
i have followed all of you since i first heard of copeland fair which led me to poppy joy and then to all of you. i was so excited for all of you when i read that you were able to spend time together. how wonderful it must have been to be together with others who really do know how you feel. so special.
Sarah said...
My heart has been moved by your stories. I had heard about you before Deeper Still and been praying for you all. Then the Saturday of Deeper Still comes and my friend realized that we were sitting right in front of you all. Having just given birth to my precious baby girl five weeks earlier (and having her at Deeper Still with me), my heart broke. I can truly say that I felt a small amount of your grief. I am now keeping up with each of your blogs and pray for you each by name. Thank you for allowing us to be a part of your story. I too, cannot wait to see your precious babies in heaven one day.
Rebecca (Ramblings by Reba) said...
Emily, thank you for that. Your stories, as difficult as they are and as much as I wish you hadn't had to endure the heartache, have touched my life profoundly.
I can remember the birth announcements of each of these babies, except for Miller Grace's. (I started reading Poppy Joy's parents' blog and Copeland Fair's parents' blog in July of last year, a couple of weeks after Miller Grace died.) I, too, remember so vividly the news of Poppy Joy's arrival. I think the blog entry's title is "A Million Thank Yous and One Goodbye." (Isn't it strange the things we remember?)
I know this is rambling. (My blog comes by its name honestly.) But I want you to know how moved I am by your story... by all these stories. Thank you for sharing it, and I look forward to reading what else God has in store.
Rebecca
Sumi said...
Emily, you have such a way with words.
Beauty from ashes...amen!
Our pastor always talks about the bride in Song of Solomon who comes up out of the wilderness leaning on the arm of her beloved. It is in our wilderness experiences that we learn to lean on him, and that we fall in love with who he is!
There is no-one more faithful, kinder, more tender...our wilderness experiences teach us that.
May your stories continue to bring him glory...
anita said...
Thank you for sharing your story... and making your story HIS story! I too read about all of you prior to Deeper Still and started praying for each of you before that weekend.
I couldn't help but think of you all during those two days and prayed for God to bring healing and to bless each one of you with wonderful worship and praise time together. I'm so happy to hear that He did indeed bless you! I know the hurt continues, but I'm glad you each know the One who gives you hope. Rest in God, dear ladies.
Janet (Jaycee) said...
Emily,
You have a gift for writing....and your story is so special. Thank you for sharing it. It is a testimony to our God. We all pray God's richest blessings on each of you, mothers.
Love, Prayers & Blessings,
Janet
Jen said...
What an amazing story! Emily, you and your friends have such a beautiful story. Thank you for sharing it with us. I have also been through the wilderness. Praise God that He is bringing me to the other side. My story pales in comparison to yours, but I believe that any story that glorifies our Heavenly Father is worth telling.
My moment of revelation happened as Beth began to speak on Saturday. I am a huge fan, and I was hungry for the word that I knew she would bring. As she began to speak, I had this strong urge to open my journal and write, but not about what Beth was saying. I tried to ignore the urge, because I was afraid of missing what Beth had to say, but it wouldn't go away. So, I opened my journal and began to write. Boy, am I glad I did!
It was as if the pen was moving itself across the paper. Words that were not my own poured out onto the page. God told me I was making an idol out of "getting free". He said that I worshiped the process of getting free more than I worshiped the God who had set me free. You see, I had taken Beth's "Breaking Free" study. I had been through the "Steps to Freedom in Christ" with my pastor. I had been anointed, prayed over and had hands laid on me for the healing of life-long strongholds. Don't get me wrong; none of these things are bad, in and of themselves. They are all wonderful tools to help Christians break the cycle of bondage in their lives. But, I was becoming obcessed with freedom. What I didn't understand is that I didn't need to keep confessing the same sins and strongholds over and over again. God had set me free from all of that - now I had to rely on the strength of the Holy Spirit within me to LIVE OUT the freedom He had given me - one moment at a time. God reminded me that day that I had His power within me to resist the devil and his lies and temptations. I didn't have to fall back into the same old patterns of behavior. I had a choice, and God wanted me to choose to rely on HIM to help me live free!
At the end of my frantic scribbling, Beth gave a call to prayer, and offered the opportunity to come to the floor and pray. Louder than a shotgun blast, I heard God say (in my spirit), "GET DOWN THERE!" My knees hit the floor faster than I think I have ever moved. That day, June 28, 2008, I made a promise to God that I would walk each moment in the freedom He had granted me, and only seek freedom in areas He revealed to me. I would no longer confess sins for which I had already been forgiven. I would believe God and walk in the power of the Holy Spirit. As I knelt and wept, I felt such a strong presence of the Holy Spirit upon me and such peace. Such reassurance that I could do this - with God's help.
I will never forget that amazing day. It has allowed me to open up to others about my struggles and to begin to tell my story of freedom from captivity. God has already used my story to help others seek the freedom that only He can give. Praise be to Him for opening my eyes!
God bless you all, and may you continue to go Deeper Still!
Jen
julie said...
It was only a matter of time, sweet Emily, for our precious Miller Grace to bring you here, there and everywhere. I pray that one day I will be in your audience and hearing the words from your mouth that move me and grip me. Blessings to you and your future....He is moving.
Bobbie said...
Thank you for sharing your story with us. I have tears and more tears. You tell it so beautifully. I have been following all of you over the last year. As each one joined this journey. I have celebrated and mourned each birth with all of you. And also praised God for each little miracle he sent.
I lost my JT last year and that is how I found Copeland and then you and then the rest of you all. All of your words have blessed me. And helped me through the most difficult time of my life. And I would like to take the time to thank each and everyone of you.
We are each at different parts of our grief and journey but, the love you all show and the praises you give to the Lord are awesome and showed me hope.
Thank you!
Miranda said...
Emily,
Wow.. what a precious story of God's amazing love, I need a box of kleenex!!! I remember reading about y'all's story in the blogs prior to the event. Then when the event finally came, although I didn't know y'all personally... I thought about y'all...prayed for you ladies, and I couldn't help but wonder what y'all were feeling during the different sessions. I prayed that the Lord would bless you and strengthen you.
I remember seeing y'all in the Mexican Restuarant Sat afternoon.. we were sitting in a booth to the side of y'all.. me and three of my girlfriends, and I remember telling them y'all's story. Then we saw y'all again posing in front of the CNN sign. In my heart, I had wished that I would have went up to y'all to say a few words...but it warms my heart to know that y'all already felt the presence of the Lord and the love of His people in your lives. I do still wish I would have came up to y'all...just to shake the hands of some of the strongest women who have the forcefield of God's love surrounding them. Thank you for sharing your feelings. It's encouraging to know that y'all have overcome by the Blood of the Lamb...and you're helping others overcome by the word of your Testimony. It's so awesome to "see" God's work in the lives of others. Blessings!!
Miranda
Sarah said...
Emily,
Emily A. sent me the link to this. It took me several days to get through it because I literally sat at my desk in the office and wept every time I opened and read a sentence. Though they are tears of sadness they are also tears of hope and joy. I am so moved by your willingness to let your heart remain soft and let God work through you to touch the lives of women and families across the nation. I am blessed to know you and feel even more blessed that you are there to be amazing example to my younger sister, Bethany. I cry even as I type this, remembering the day in June last year that I watched you brave the stage at Living Hope to tell the world about the precious little girl that is clearly continues to impact the world for Christ. I am not a mother, but I pray that someday, should God bless me with such a gift that I am reminded of your words that He is always doing something wonderful. Even when we have to see it through the deepest pain imaginable. You are so loved. Thank you for sharing your story.
Sarah H.
michelle said...
There are some stories that must be told...and this is one of those God stories. Thank you Emily for sharing your heart in writing this post for all of us to read...and to reflect upon a great and mighty God. Who else but God could bring you all together through sorrow and tears and ashes...and create something beautiful? These friends will last a lifetime. God is gracious and He loves you so much...and so do we. Thank you on behalf of LifeWay women for allowing your story to become HIS story.
Love you sweet sister--Michelle
Posted by michelle | Jul 15, 2008 at 01:58 PM