Unless you've been on a sequestered jury for the last couple of weeks, you know that the much-anticipated day has finally arrived: the release of New Moon, the second movie in the cult-statused Twilight book series. Girls have had this date circled on their calendars for weeks. They have surfed the Web for clues. Thay have bought magazines. They have watched every trailer imaginable.

You might be tempted to avoid any discussion about the movie because, like thousands of others, you're already tired of hearing about it. However, you might want to take another approach: use the movie release and book's content to begin a discussion about deeper issues. Listed below are five simple questions you can use to begin a dialogue with a girl about New Moon. In parenthesis are some possible directions the conversation could take.

1.       Are you Club Jacob or Club Edward? Why? (Jacob is the werewolf, Edward the vampire. Girls are divided over which they would choose. Jacob is the friend and confidant for Bella after Edward leaves. This is an easy discussion-starter that will allow you to approach other subjects within the book/movie.)

2.       Do you think you would respond like Bella did when Edward left? In what ways? What things do you think you wouldn’t do? (When Edward leaves early in New Moon, Bella responds with increasingly-dangerous behavior. In short, she acts as if life is not worth living. Her behavior is extremely disturbing and unhealthy. “I’d rather die than be with anyone but you.”)

3.       What would you want to do if you lived forever like Edward and the other vampires? (Edward is an accomplished pianist among other things. This might be an opportunity to discuss the fact that we are NOT given eternity, that everyone must face their own mortality.)

4.       Why do you think Bella doesn’t want to marry Edward? (This may be a good place to begin a discussion about the understanding of marriage and commitment.)

5.       In the book, Bella’s father Charlie seems kind of clueless sometimes, but what do you see as some of his positive qualities? Do you think Charlie could have done something differently as her father? (This could open the door for a discussion about a father’s role in family life.)

If I were Thanksgiving, I’d be offended. The poor holiday gets squished in between two bigger holidays so that it is almost overlooked. As one of my friends recently stated in his Facebook status, “It’s as if Halloween and Christmas kidnapped and murdered Thanksgiving." I got a little angry yesterday in the grocery store when I heard “The Christmas Song (chestnuts roasting on an open fire)” playing over the speakers. Now don’t get me wrong; I love that song. But only when it’s played at the appropriate time. As a person who loves the anticipation of a holiday almost as much as the holiday itself, I get frustrated when I am forced to listen to music or look at decorations that don’t apply to the holiday at hand. And for now, that holiday is Thanksgiving.

Someone has to stand up for Thanksgiving. This poor holiday gets relegated to a single day instead of a season of gratitude by most Americans. Retail stores overlook it completely. (Well, except for stores like Williams Sonoma, which are completely dedicated to the art of food preparation and consumption. Kind of like my family. See?)

And I adore Thanksgiving, so I’m especially protective of it. What’s not to love about a holiday that centers on food (something else I adore), and then gives you an opportunity to tell people what you’re thankful for and why without the usual awkwardness? Yes, there are no presents to exchange or sentimental decorations to put up, but can’t Thanksgiving be enjoyed without being encroached upon by the two holidays that sandwich it?

Now to those of you who started listening to Christmas music back in September, I’ll agree that Christmas should be anticipated and celebrated with gusto. And I’ll be more than happy to do that just as soon as I’ve polished off my plate of Thanksgiving leftovers next Thursday night. Who’s with me?!

So what does this have to do with girls’ ministry, you may ask? Well, it may be a stretch, but I think it’s important to teach girls to savor the moment rather than continuously look down the road to what’s ahead. As Rob Bell said in Velvet Elvis: "As Christians, it is our duty to master the art of the long meal . . . Relax. Slow down. Quit having a purpose for everything. Eat more slowly and enjoy it more. Ask people how they are doing—and mean it. Take more walks. You will get more done anyway."

Thanksgiving seems like a good time to practice doing just that.
 

Although I mostly associate fighting with boys, I’ve decided in the past week that girls are much more aggressive and probably meaner fighters that boys will ever be. Somehow, in the middle of the mundane, I’ve found myself smack dab in the middle of some cat fights. Well, not literally, but they are right there in the schools where my girls attend and among people I actually know.

 The first fight was between two high school girls. I’m not sure of all that happened, but some hair extensions were left in the middle of the hallway as two girls went to the office. My thoughts: Girls- you are in high school, you are supposed to be maturing into young women. What are you thinking? The second one was a mom confronting her daughter’s friend in front of a group watching a high school game. My thoughts: Are you kidding me? The mom is supposed to be the adult here and the adults are supposed to set the example and the standard for the girls. The third was when the mom of the girl mentioned above confronted the mom who humiliated her daughter, once again in a very public setting for all to watch and hear. My thoughts: Will this week ever end? Where is the breakdown in learning to confront appropriately? How do girls learn to confront and avoid the cat fights? What are we doing in our Girls Ministries to help our girls learn the value of mature, biblical conflict resolution?

A few things to ponder…

One-on-one. Face-to-face. Matthew 18:15 and the following verses address the appropriate way to deal with conflict among “brothers” or fellow believers. Often cat fights are not among believers, but they can be. But Christ-followers or not, the Bible gives clear direction on how to deal with a conflict between two people. “Rebuke in private” is the first step. Matthew 5:23-24 also reminds us that others may have something against us. Again, Scripture is clear that we are to go to the person one-on-one to ask forgiveness, forgive, and be restored in our relationship with one another.

Girls’ ministry leaders, parents or other adults will not always be there to intervene. Everything does not need to go before Judge Judy or another mediator. If a girl comes to talk to you about a situation you do need share advice, but then it is our responsibility to encourage them to talk face-to-face to that person. Biblically that is the model to follow and many conflicts can be resolved one-on-one. A mediator is only brought in when one-on-one discussions between the two parties are not progressing on their own (Matt. 18:16-17).

Never minimize the power of an apology. Girls (and adults) need to recognize the power of an apology. Being able to confess our shortcomings, our mistakes, and our sin is a sign of a person with strength of character. Unresolved conflict, unconfessed sin, and unforgiveness of sins promotes sickness. Sometimes that sickness may be physical, but more often it is emotional and spiritual. It is that sick feeling deep in your soul that things are not right. There is a lack of peace that carries over into other relationships and life in general. Girls need to realize that their words have power. (Tell them to check out Proverbs 15 to get started or maybe James 3.)

Teach Conflict Resolution Skills. It is sad to admit, but many girls never hear about how to resolve conflict until they are right in the middle of the drama. Conflict resolution is not in the core curriculum in most schools. And just think about growing up with your own family-it wasn’t until you smacked your sister in the head or slammed your brother’s fingers in the car door that you stopped and realized that there might be consequences for your actions! Self-discipline, controlling one’s temper, controlling one’s tongue, actions and attitudes takes a lot of work. It is not going to come naturally. And it is not going to be a learned behavior that we never struggle with again. Listening, talking through a conflict or frustrations, controlling one’s anger and actions are going to be skills that need honing throughout life.

I’ve heard that guys fight, argue, disagree and then work it out and move on. Girls are another story. Sometimes cat fights that were left unresolved in the elementary, middle or high school years carry over into adulthood. I guess it is time to ponder teaching conflict resolution to adults….

How is it going in your girls’ ministry? Am I the only one looking around and seeing conflict after conflict? Drama after drama? And how do you model appropriate conflict resolution without getting in the middle of a conflict?

1. Set the right atmosphere. Make sure girls know that your group is a safe place where questions can be asked without judgment or criticism. Allow girls to discover truth for themselves (don't answer your own questions!). Be comfortable with silence. Set the example by being honest and real and vulnerable and transparent. All of these elements contribute to the right atmosphere.

2. Pick the right place. Opening up your home is a great way to provide the girls with an opportunity to get to know you on your own turf. Help them feel at home when they are with you and allow them to observe you with your family. You may even want to ask a senior adult to open her home as a host (she doesn't have to lead the group). By doing so, you've opened the doors for generational ministry.

3. Develop a plan. Give them opportunities to tell you areas they are interested in. They will appreciate it if you don't assume you already know what they need to know. Also take note of where the girls are spiritually. Are some of them new Christians? How would you say they are growing in their spiritual walk? Having an idea of the spiritual level of your girls will help you in choosing what study material to use. If you need a plan for areas of discipleship, checkout LifeWay's KNOWN student development strategy.

4. Give them time to play. Plan outside activities beyond your normal meeting times. Remember that your relationship with the girls and their relationships with one another build the foundation of having a successful and strong small group. Go on a shopping trip or plan a retreat. Surprise them with a secret day you have conjured up and you will be well on your way to creating lasting memories!

5. Give them time to get their hands dirty. Provide ministry opportunities to take your group beyond an inward focus. Make gift baskets for the widows in your church or community and deliver them to their homes. Plan a craft for the holidays or bake them something special. Surprise some women in your church by taking them potted flowers.
 
Adapted from, "Girls Only: Beginning Basics for a Small Group" by Trish Davis. Used by permission.

What elements have contributed to success in your small groups?

Fathers of daughters, this blog is aimed especially for you.

A recent study  on teens and romantic relationships (released by Child Trends) indicated that teens today  know what it takes to have a healthy romantic relationship (respect, trust, love, communication, etc.) But these same teens didn't expect to find those qualities in a partner or a relationship. When asked why, teens said that a lack of role models contributed to these low expectations.

So why is this blog for you, dads?

Because the teen girls polled specifically referred to the "absence of fathers as a primary example of the lack of positive role models." In plain English: you're not around to show her how a guy is supposed to treat a girl.

Here are a couple of quotes straight from the girls themselves:

"Most girls, if they don't have a father figure in their life, they don't have these [healthy] qualities., or if they do have a father figure, they have little evidence [of them]."

"...Or [girls] could just be loose because they don't have a father figure and they just want attention from a male. Like you could see a girl who keep[s] giving this dude compliments...And I was like, 'Girl, go somewhere! He don't want you.' But she wasn't getting it, so I'm guessing she needed some male attention."

As a girls' ministry leader, I want to encourage you, challenge you, encite you to action. Spend time with your daughter.

I know it's not easy. Trying to get a teen girl to take time to be with you and actually talk to you can be painful, awkward and difficult. She may balk. She may say she doesn't have time. She may act like she doesn't want to give you the time of day.

But she desperate longs for you to give her attention. Her heart craves the affirmation of her father. Apart from anything she does well, any grades she gets, any sport she accels in, or anything she does wrong.

She wants you to show through your words and actions that you care. So how can you create that time and space without the dreaded awkwardness? Here are a few suggestions for things you can do together:

1. Ask her to teach you something new. If you don't understand the latest techno gadgets, ask her to show you. If you want to learn the basics of soccer (which I've never understood), take her to a soccer game and ask her questions.

2. Go for coffee. Let her pick a new flavor for you and you a new flavor for her. Halfway through the coffee, switch. And talk about what you liked and didn't like.

3. Take her on a date regularly. Open the doors. Let her order first. Pay for the meal. Help her with her coat if she's cold. Model for her what it's like to be treated with respect. Pick some fun things to do on a date: go bowling; go to a hockey game; play putt-putt; paint pottery together (don't roll your eyes---girls love it!)

4. Go for a walk. Be comfortable with the silence. Eventually she'll start talking.

5. Go to a music store. Ask her to point out her favorite music. If you can (and the stores still carry it!), show her some of your favorites from your teen years.

6. Look through your old yearbook together. She'll have a good laugh. Point out the people you hung out with, talk about the girls you dated, mistakes you made, things you wish you'd done differently.

7. Whatever you do, please, please, please remember this one rule: shut up. Girls indicate that they would tell their parents a whole lot more about what's going on with them if the parents would just be quiet and listen without offering advice so quickly.

Your daughter needs you. Her future relationships depend in part on you. Her sense of self is defined in part of the blessings you bestow (or withhold) to her. Her understanding of God is shaped by you.

Now, go block out some time on your schedule and spend it with your daughter.

I saw a car commerical the other day (you can watch it below) that made me think about God. The gist of the commercial was that, "Fun can obviously change behavior for the better."

Because my brain is wired to connect things back to girls' ministry (does anyone else do that all the time???), I started wondering what it would be like if we helped girls understand that a relationship with God is meant to be fun.

Fun is a flippant word. Makes me think more like a trip to an amusement park or a night out with friends. That's not the kind of superficial joy that I think God intended for believers to experience because they're in relationship with Him. But the commerical makes a good point nevertheless. People are more likely to be involved with something if it's fun. Pleasurable. Enjoyable. They're more likely to want to participate if it is positive, not negative.

And therein lies the problem with God. For some girls, unfortunately, God is not on their list of things they enjoy, things that bring them joy, things that they find positive or even neutral. They think God is out to do them harm. He's mean. Vindictive. Out to strike them down with a lightning bolt when they mess up. Some think He is up there, somewhere, keeping the world in order, but not interested or involved in their everyday struggles. Aloof. A relationship with God is about doing a bunch of things to keep God happy and things to avoid so you don't tick Him off. There's no surprise, mystery, curiosity. Just keeping sin in check, attitudes in order. Maintenance.

Which begs the question: How do girls formulate their understanding of God?

How do they begin to concept in their minds and hearts this Diety who created them? Such a spiritual formation takes place over a long period of time, with a myriad of contributing factors, including parental involvement, social constructs, pop culture (remember the 80s version of God demonstrated by Madonna???), and... you guessed it... the church.

Which leads to another question...what are you and I doing, both positively and negatively, to help girls develop a healthy perspective on what it means to be in relationship with God? How are we helping---or hurting---a girls' spiritual formation?

Which leads to the most basic question of all...what is your relationship with God like? Do girls see joy in you? Do girls see you enjoying God? Do you enjoy God?

I've been reading through the psalms from finish to start (long story) and I'm amazed at the number of times that the psalms talks about the joy that comes with a relationship with God (21:6; 33:3; 47:1; 51:12; 65:8; 100:1). But if you were to poll many Christians today and ask them for adjectives that describe their relationship with God, I seriously doubt that the word "joy" would be the first one on the list. Or even on the list at all.

The commercial has made me think about how I might be somehow responsible for giving others a warped perception about God. Not that I would view God with a flippant attitude. Or as Santa Claus who gives me whatever I want (another perception girls often have). But I wonder how much I communicate joy in a relationship with God. That walking with Him is an adventure. That when you think about it, God is pretty stinkin' funny. Any trip to the local zoo will prove that to be true.

I want girls to understand that a relationship with God is just that---a relationship. It's meant to be full of life and vigor and turns and twists and ups and down and questions and answers, pain and, yes, joy.

Girls' ministy is so much more than teaching girls how to manage their sin. It's more than teaching them to wait until marriage to have sex or to dress more modestly or to speak more nicely. It's about teaching them their chief end, their purpose on this planet: to glorify God and enjoy Him forever.

So you may remember a previous post where I asked you about how you deal with divorce in your ministry. Christian recording artist Britt Nicole is the child of divorced parents, so she knows what it feels like to walk through that struggle. If you're ministering to a girl whose parents are divorcing, then these words from Britt may strike a chord with her. Feel free to pass this on to her (or to point her to the ec magazine blog where I originally posted this interview).

Divorce is a big issue in your world. All of you have experienced it yourself or have a friend who is. We hate this for you and feel your pain. You’re not alone in it, though. Britt Nicole struggled through her parents’ divorce when she was 7 years old, and she opened up to Emily recently about dealing with the divorce. Check out what she had to say below.

ec: What did you struggle with the most when you found out that your parents were divorcing?
Britt: I remember feeling afraid at times because you’re so used to your life being one way and then it changes, and you just don’t understand. You try to figure it out, but you don’t get it. And your parents don’t know if you’re going to understand even if they tell you. It can just be really confusing. One thing I would do is read my Bible. Even when I was 7 years old. I was always in church, always learning about God. I had heard about Jesus my whole life, but Jesus became real to me when I was 7 years old because I didn’t know who to turn to. I would go to my room, and I had a big Precious Moments Bible—a big white one. I would honestly run to my room and open my Bible and read it and just start crying. I felt Jesus was there with me when I read my Bible. I felt like I wasn’t alone, that God was giving me strength to get through it. I know that sounds crazy to think at 7 years old, you can feel all that. I got saved when I was 7 years old too. It was in the middle of everything that was going on. I was at church one night with my dad, and I went to the altar and accepted Jesus as my Savior. [I was] so dependent on that relationship with Him, even when I was a little girl.

ec: How did your relationship with God change as you dealt with your parents’ divorce?
Britt: I was younger when they got divorced, but I had to walk through it my whole life, from when I was 7 until now. Trying to figure out how to deal with what happened, how to let go of it, how to forgive, how to believe in love. What I saw made me not believe in love. My relationship with God just became more real and more intimate. I knew that I needed more than my family or friends because there are things in life where they can’t always help me the way I need to be helped. God was able to give me everything I needed during that [time]. So my relationship with Him became very real, and it was just like God was my father. I knew that nobody else could help me get through those nights where I was lying in bed, crying. He was there. No matter what I go through, I know that Jesus’ love is constant, and He’s there, always.

ec: What would you tell someone who is going through their parents’ divorce now?
Britt: You’re not alone. But that’s what you feel—you feel like nobody’s there, that nobody understands, but God’s there with you. He sees, He knows everything that you’re going through. Even though what I walked through was really difficult, I’m thankful that I’m able to say to other people, “Hey, I’ve been there.” It’s important for them to know that somebody else has walked through this and felt what I feel. Being able to say, “I’ve been there. I know what you’re going through. You’re going to get through it.” Also, you have to forgive. That was a big thing for me—forgiveness. I did not know that I had not forgiven my parents.

[When I forgave my parents,] It was a huge moment in my life of God lifting a huge weight off me that I didn’t know I’d been carrying my whole life. There were things in my heart that I hadn’t let go of or forgiven. And the moment that I did that, I felt the return of freedom come over me and the return of joy that I hadn’t felt, honestly, my whole life. Forgiveness is really important. You might get hurt and you might not understand why you’re going through what you’re going through, but you have to let go, give it to God, put it in His hands, and forgive. We need forgiveness in our lives too. [Forgiving my parents] was huge, and just letting go. Saying, “God, this happened a long time ago”—or even if it’s something that happened just yesterday—still just saying, “God, I let go. I need you to carry this cause it’s too much. I have to give it to You.” Let God come in and heal [your] heart.

ec: What should they expect, now that their family is different after a divorce?
Britt: It was always hard for my brother and I because holidays are time for families. You’re used to being together. But for the first holiday you’re not, it’s hard. If you go in knowing “OK, this is going to be different.” . . . No matter what they face—whether it’s holidays or spending one weekend with mom and one weekend with dad—keep in mind that God has a plan for your life, and He’s going to take it and turn it into something good, even though you can’t see it right then. I’m a testimony of that and God doing that in my life. God used something that hurt so much and was really hard to get through and turned it so that now I get to help other people who go through it. . . . It’s hard. It’s hard to pack a bag to go see your mom or your dad. But I think it gets easier as time goes by. . . That first holiday or weekend where they’re going to visit their mom or dad might be really, really difficult. But God’s going to be there with them through the whole thing. They’re not alone.

ec: What advice do you have for teens who want to reach out to their friends whose parents are going through a divorce?
Britt: They need someone to love them. They need someone to wrap their arms around them and let them cry—sometimes for 30 minutes. They need that time to get it out that this HURTS. The best thing they can do is just be there for them. Through times like that, you need support; you need love. A lot times you can’t explain what you’re feeling. If someone wants to sit down and talk to you about it, sometimes you don’t even know what to say. If someone needs someone to talk to, then it’s good to be there to talk. But I think more than talking, it’s just being there. Being there, supporting and loving them. Like my best friend—we’ve been best friends since we were 13—and she’s always good at that. She makes me laugh and forget about everything that’s going on. Sometimes you need that—those moments or those nights to just not worry about it and to just have a good time with your friends. It can consume you if you’re trying to figure it out, trying to understand. She was great for me, [at] being a friend, not making it about what was wrong. If I’d wanted to talk about [the divorce], she would. But it didn’t have to be about that. It could be “We’re friends, and we’re getting together to have fun.”
 

ec: What would you say is a positive thing that’s come out of your parents’ divorce?
Britt: Being able to help others get through it. We all walk through difficult things in life. It’s just so awesome how God uses things we walk through—our own struggles and our own weaknesses—for His glory. He says that in our weakness, He is strong. He knows we’re going to make mistakes and we’re not perfect. His grace is there for us in that. I’m just thankful that I’ve had him to get through it, and I’ve had my family. He’s healed my heart, and I’m able to reach out to other people. I think that’s the greatest that’s come of it. My parents have both remarried, and my dad has a son through his marriage who is a huge blessing in all of our lives, and he wouldn’t be here [had my parents not divorced]. God makes things good and turns things for His good and His glory. We don’t understand things, but He understands. We have to give things to Him and say, “I don’t know what’s going on, but I trust You.”

ec: Any last words of wisdom?
Britt: If you’re going through your parents’ divorce, then make sure you’re leaning into God. If I wouldn’t have had Jesus to get through my parents’ divorce, I don’t know how I’d have been able to get through it. If you are daily seeking him, He’ll make it much easier than it would be on your own.


We'd like to thank Britt Nicole for her honesty. If you're helping someone who is struggling through the effects of divorce, remind her that she's not alone. God is with her. Encourage her to talk to those closest to her about what's going on inside her head. Communication with  parents, family, friends, and church family should be open and honest as she deals with a divorce. Encourage her to not let these tough circumstances come between her and God—after all, He's the only One who will never fail her. Or any of us.

I got to see generational ministry in action this weekend. The occasion? Halloween.

My family lives in a small town outside of Nashville. We only have about four neighbors to our left. All of them are at least in their late 50s. Some are in their 80s. And all of them were waiting for our daughter to come trick-or-treat at their houses.

One neighbor gave her books. Another neighbor gave her a scarecrow pencil and note pad. And of course, there was candy in abundance (none of which I would ever eat, of course) thrown into her glow-in-the-dark pumpkin bag. The neighbors even took pictures. She wasn't dressed particularly fancy. (We bought her costume at Wal-Mart.) But they all took pictures.

I've been thinking about that simple act of taking a picture and what it symbolized---they have invested in our daughter's life.

These neighbors have known Kaitlyn since before she was born. They endured with us the struggles of adoption. They decorated our house the night we came home from the airport. And since then, these ladies have watched her grow up. We've said hello to them when they were going for walks. They've seen her playing out in the yard. We've taken food to them and they've supplied plenty of food to us. We've been surrogate family to each other.

One raises chickens and couldn't wait to show Kaitlyn the baby chicks. She never would have had that opportunity except for the thoughtfulness of an older woman.

I am grateful for the investment that these ladies have made in my daughter's life. She is learning that you're never too old to care about those around you. She is learning to relate to a different generation than her own. These women are modeling what it means to be a neighbor, which is a lost art in today's culture.

This weekend's festivities reminded me again of the value and importance of generational ministry. The older leading and modeling life for the younger. The benefits and joys and blessings for everyone involved.  Life in community instead of isolation. The church as it was intended to be.

Generational ministry is just as important at fourteen as it is at four. Teen girls desperately need older women who are willing to pour into them. From the stories I hear daily, these girls actually crave interaction with older women. They want to learn how to do life with integrity and grace and inner beauty and confidence. Many girls don't know how to ask, but they want it nevertheless.

The question is whether we as the older generation are willing to take up that banner. We cannot assume that teen girls don't need it or want it. We cannot assume that others are more qualified. We cannot shirk the responsibility, thinking that others have more time, more energy, more talents.

It's our mandate in Scripture. And it's our legacy.

How do you foster generational connections and ministry? Tell us your stories!

Sometimes I really love my job.I love meeting new people. I love giving women (and men) a vision for reaching teen girls. I love being creative and thinking outside the box and dreaming and looking toward what could be. I love being around people who are passionate about reaching teen girls.

Yesterday was one of those days. I got to meet with a team of very talented people and dream about a new Bible study for teen girls. A Bible study that attacks a prevaling mantra that says, "I deserve." A Bible study that helps girls understand that yes, they are princesses endowed with great worth because they are God's beloved, but they are not on the throne. A Bible study that challenges girls to embrace humility instead of pride, servanthood instead of selfishness, meekness instead of aggression. A Bible study that is flexible enough to experience on a variety of levels and settings, from an overnight sleepover to an ongoing discipleship group.

The name of this new Bible study? Tossing Your Tiara: Embracing Humility in an All-About-Me World.

I can't wait to see where God takes this study. I can't wait for girls to begin to grasp their roles as light bearers and ambassadors to the world around them. I can't wait to watch as God begins open their eyes to the sneaky deceptiveness of the enemy who wants them to be less than God created them to be and to accomplish. I can't wait for girls to understand what it really means to be a daughter of God.

As the study unfolds, I'll keep you posted on the progress!

What do you look for in a Bible study? What elements, themes, or topics are important to you?