Several months ago, I started reading a book that I've been recommending to everyone I know in Christian leadership.

After reading just one chapter, I raved about it. It's that good.

After reading two chapters, I ordered it as gifts for some folks who were helping me in a leadership meeting. It's that good.

I finally finished the book this week. I think it's one of the best books on Christian leadership out there. It's that good.

It's called Strenthening the Soul of Your Leadership by Ruth Haley Barton.

It won't give you five steps to transform your church or ministry. It won't offer quick fixes to complex problems in the congregation. It doesn't promise solutions to burnout. fact, it doesn't promise anything.

It does, however, force you to take an honest look at your own soul as a leader and challenges you to get before God.

Rather than give a review, I've decided to share some excerpts and quotes that I'm still mulling over.

"Before I could censor my thoughts, I heard myself saying, 'I'm tired of helping other people enjoy God; I just want to enjoy God for myself.'"

(How many of us would be honest enough to say that???)

"What would it look like for me to lead more consistently from my soul—the place of my own encounter with God—rather than leding primarily form my head, my unbridled activism, or my performance-oriented drivenness? What would it be like to find God in the context of my leadership rather than miss God in the context of my leadership?"

(Have you ever felt like you were spending so much time planning ministry activities that you wondered where God was in the midst of it all?)

"One of the primary functions of solitude is to settle into ourselves in God's presence. This is not easy and it takes time. But it is the answer to the heart cry that erupts when we have been distracted for too long by surface concerns. 'I have lost myself!' we cry. Solitude is the only way to find ourselves again. And the longer we have lost to ourselves, caught up with external stiumlation, the longer it takes to find our way home again."

(How often have you thought, I have lost myself!")

"All of us have a shadow side to our leadership. Most of us start out with a desire to do good things to make a difference; however, as McIntosh and Rima point out, 'the personal insecurities, feelings of inferiority, and the need for...approval (among other dysfunctions) that compel people to become successful leders are often the very same issues that precipitate their failure...Only those who have been brave enough to ride their own monsters of anger and greed, jealousy and narcissism, fear and violence all the way down to the bottom will find a truer energy with which to lead. Only those who have faced their own dark side and be trusted to lead others toward the Light."

(How many times have you tried to run from the "shadow side" of your leadership rather than face it, name it, and deal with it on a regular basis?)

"God is not in any particular hurry to get us to the Promised Land. He is much more concerned about the transforming work He is doing in us to prepare us for greater responsibilities of freedom living."

(How many times have you thought, are we there yet?—and you weren't in a car?)

"Our free will is something that Jesus honors with us, and it is something that we must honor with others...I have had to learn that someone else's personal choice does not necessarily mean that I have failed as a leader or that the community has failed. Being able to distinguish between our own issues (for which we must take responsibility) and others' issues (which are not our responsibility) is something we have to work through very hard with God in person self-examination and in trustworthy community."

(Ouch! Here's one even more painful to read...)

"When we refuse to live within our limits...we wear out ourselves and those who lead with us. We compromise the quality of realtionshiops with God and the people around us. We compromise our effectiveness at doing the things we have been called to do. To live within our limits is to live humbly as the creature and not the Creator. Only God is infinite; the rest of us need to be very clear about what we are to be about in any given moment and say no to everything else."

Let me know if you decide to pick up this book. I'd love to know your thoughts. I hope it challenges you (and steps on your toes) as much as it did me. I don't want to be the only one running around with sore feet.

Have you read this book? How did it impact you?

When was the last time you rested—really and truly rested? I think I tried to take a nap on Memorial Day, but I made the mistake of turning the TV on. I ended up spending three hours watching a “Deadliest Catch” marathon (I don't usually watch that show, but Captain Phil thought he was dying. And I had to know what happened.) in between doing laundry and vacuuming. Sure, I might have been on the couch for part of the time, but it wasn’t a very restful day.

Now that summer is here, I feel like I get a break. It’s amazing what freeing up just one night a week will do for your mind-set! As I was eagerly anticipating my newfound free time on Wednesday nights, I realized that if I’m not careful, I’ll end up just as busy as I am during the school year. And I clearly need a break from that busyness. I can feel my body, mind, and soul calling out for it.

Why does our culture say we’re not valuable unless we’re busy? This summer, I’m planning to confront that lie Satan’s planted in my mind. I’m going to commit to spending more time in deliberate rest and less time planning out every last minute of my day. I will thank God for the gift of unexpected free time and use those times to talk with Him, to take a nap, or to get outside and enjoy His creation (poolside, preferably).

Please know that I salute you for your tireless efforts in girls’ ministry. But whether or not your summers stay at the same frenetic pace as the rest of the year, what are you doing to guard your Sabbath time? Are you even making time to rest? I sincerely hope so. And I’m not just talking about sleep, although that’s really important. (One of my new year’s resolutions was to go to bed by 10 p.m. on weeknights. I can tell such a difference when I get enough sleep. And so can my boyfriend, who calls me every night to make sure I’m in bed on time. I guess I’m more pleasant to be around when I’m well-rested.) While sleep does wonderful things for your body and mind, the act of resting does amazing things for your soul.

I know you know that you need to rest. And I know you know that God modeled it and commanded it (Gen. 2:1-3; Ex. 20:8). Do you need a break? Take it. Schedule time to rest. To connect with God. To have some fun.

May this summer be a refreshing summer of true Sabbath for all of us!

Temperance needs to make a comeback.

I came across the term recently in an article entitled "Taming Tween Divas" by Mark Earley. The article is compelling—and scary.

The question I keep asking myself is how we may be fueling the problem in ministry. In what ways do I (or the church) perpetuate the cycle of indulgence and egocentrism? What do I model in my own life? In the activities that I plan? In the things that I emphasize, glorify, and even lust after (if I'm really honest)?

How does the church indulge girls?

Have we already crossed the line from offering things that appeal to teen girls to instead reinforcing an unhealthy attitude and dependeny on those things? While I think that it is important to make ministry to girls relevant and "cutting edge" (although some are way over the edge...), I wonder if we haven't created a generation that will not remain faithful to the Gospel unless it is camouflaged in a manicure party.

What do you think of the article? Do you think that the church perpetuates the problem of teen (and preteen and elementary school) divas? Record your comments.

I want to be one of those women who still works with girls when she has grandchildren. I want to laugh with them, invest in them, make cookies with them, hang out with them at Starbuck's (or whatever the cool place will be in 20 years), and do life with them. I want to be there through the worst and best life has to offer them, pointing them to Jesus at every point along the way.

If this future grandmother (that's a weird thought, since my daughter hasn't celebrated her 4th birthday yet) plans to be involved in girls' ministry beyond today, I need to:

1. Keep a clear head—not becoming distracted by other voices and callings.

2. Be willing to endure hardship—accepting the bad times along with the good.

3. Keep the Message of Truth alive—Christ must remain central in everything I do.

The long view of girls' ministry requires one more element, and it's found in 2 Timothy 4:5:

"But as for you, keep a clear head about everything, endure hardship, do the work of an evangelist, fulfill your ministry."--2 Timothy 4:5

Fulfill your ministry?

When I looked at different translations to get a handle on what Paul meant by this phrase, I didn't get much help. The NIV says, "discharge all the duties of your ministry." Huh? The NCV: "complete all the duties of a servant of God." Still foggy. KJV: "make full proof of thy ministry." Completely confused. NRSV says, "carry out your ministry fully." Well, that helps a little...but not much.

I decided to read on. Verse 7 cleared everything up:

"I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith."

When it's all said and done, I need to leave nothing left unsaid and nothing left undone.

It requires me to choose whose side I'm on and fight for it. And choosing to fight for girls involves sacrifice—a sacrifice of time, money, my own plans, or even my ego. Fighting the good fight means late-night phone calls and runs to the hospital. It means getting out of my comfort zone and learning new technology. It means being willing to try new things—new food, new music, new cultures.

It requires me to finish this race—never giving up on myself (seriously, can I really do this?), on God (are you sure you're asking this of me?), or the girls I serve (will they ever learn?).

It requires me to keep the faith—to stay the course with honesty, transparency, and authenticity. It requires me to engage my heart and my life.

For me, there's no better or higher calling.

In thinking about ministry to girls for the long-term, what is most challenging to you? 

I love the car-ride conversations with my daughter on her way to her preschool. I never know what the topic will be or where the conversation will turn. That’s just the norm for having an almost-four-year-old.

Recently, we turned into the parking lot, and I reminded her to be a good girl, to listen to her teachers and do what they said. From the back seat, I heard an exaggerated, resigned sigh as she said, “OK, Mommy.”

I replied, “It’s tough listening sometimes, isn’t it honey?”

Her response was classic, “Yeah, mommy, it’s tough being three.”

As an adult, I laughed because I thought to myself, “Just wait until you become an adult.” She doesn’t deal with an evaporating 401K, deadlines for manuscripts, conflicts with dysfunctional extended family, or car repairs. But then I stopped and remembered—through her eyes, in her mind, based on her experiences, life IS tough.
 

I must admit that when working with teen girls, sometimes I get a little dismissive when they complain about how difficult their lives are. Then I remember—through their eyes, through their cognitive and emotional filters, through their life experiences, life IS tough.

It’s tough to wake up one morning and have your body wig out on you. It’s tough to endure mean girls and gossip. It’s tough to navigate relationships with boys (and that doesn’t get any easier when you become an adult!). It’s tough to figure out who you are when everyone—from the media to your parents to your friends—is constantly telling you what you should be like.

When I remember that, I am a little more compassionate, a little more patient, and I relax a little bit. Growing up is just hard, no matter what age you are. It’s still hard for me, too.

What a difference social media has made in my life. Yours too, I’m assuming. When I joined Facebook way back in 2004, back before photo albums, news feeds, applications, and all the other bells and whistles, it was just a cool networking tool between people at my university (and other universities, if you knew someone there).

Back then, you could send messages, write on people’s walls, poke each other, and change your profile picture. That was it. And we loved it. Then there were groups to join (which I did, and started way too many others) and photo albums to create. Facebook quickly became the biggest time suck of my life. My friends and I would spend hours trolling profile pages, sometimes of people we barely even knew. I’d even venture to say that I was addicted to it. I felt like I had to check it every hour. In order to break that addiction, I fasted from Facebook. It worked; I was no longer obsessed.

As Facebook continued to change, my love affair with it started to wane. There was a huge uproar among college students when Facebook was opened to high schoolers. And then an even larger one when Facebook was opened to the general public (and therefore potentially creepy people, a la Myspace, which is why my privacy settings are so high that people complain they can’t find me on Facebook.) As students, we almost revolted when Facebook started publishing the news feeds (which we’ve now accepted and some have accelerated with Twitter) and when rumors of creepy stalker applications spread.

And yet, it’s still one of the most useful tools I have for keeping up with friends who are now spread all over the country. It also proved pretty useful when some inappropriate photos popped up of my LifeGroup girls baking male “parts” with chocolate chip cookie dough. (I am not making this up!) I try to stay off their pages for the most part, but when photos like that pop up on my news feed, I figure it warrants a conversation. Facebook has also been positive for our LifeGroup in that I can post prayer requests to the group we started online, send messages to let girls know I’m praying for them, and get to know what they’re up to, what music they’re listening to, and who their current friends are.

So I’m looking for some feedback from you. Please leave a comment with your answer to the following poll: How has Facebook changed your life?

a.)    I’m afraid I’m addicted to it. I’m on it incessantly. I’m friends with people I’ve never met who live in places I’ve never been.
b.)    I check Facebook several times a day, just to see if anyone I know is doing anything interesting

c.)    I check Facebook once a day or a few times a week, when I remember.
d.)    I forgot I had Facebook! I’m rarely on it.
e.)    I’m not a Facebooker.

What happens in a house full of girls on the last weekend before school is out for the summer? A LOT of girls ministry...not planned...not organized...but more ministry than this mom was prepared for in one weekend.

It all started around 4:00 pm on Friday and my head is still spinning! The short version is 7 girls ages 8-14 spending the night (and yes they were all there at 2:00 am..and 3:45 am...), 8 girls for breakfast the next morning (don't even ask me how the extra one got in Saturday morning), 3 pizzas, 137 cupcakes, 4 sets of clothes covered in paint, a new pair of contact lenses, and about 1,000 extra miles on my car! Okay maybe the mileage is an exaggeration, but trust me when I say, "public transportation might be a good thing to add in a 10 mile radius around my home."

In the midst of the craziness there were incredible opportunities for girls ministry. One of my daughter's friends who spent the night on Friday moves to California next week.  We talked about friendship--keeping friends even though you don't live near one another, making new friends, choosing good friends, living in a new place, going to a new school. Several of the girls don't have a relationship with Jesus or don't have a church home. Except for my daughters, only ONE other girl lives with both her mom and dad. The conversations were natural and endless.

And so hopefully ministry happened even when we were not aware of what we were doing! Hopefully, we loved beyond our ability to love and all these girls could see a difference in our lives and in our relationships (1 John 4:7).

After this weekend, once again, I am so thankful for those in Girls' Ministry. Thankful for all the believers who welcome my girls into their homes.  Thankful for the women at my church who invest in my girls and their friends each week. And especially thankful for Girls' Ministers and Student Ministers who are planning and preparing camps, retreats, mission trips, and other worthwhile activities for my girls to be involved in this summer while I recover from this weekend!

Yesterday was not a good day. It started when I was trying to be “super LifeGroup leader” and bring snacks for my girls since we were going to be watching a movie (The Passion of the Christ, which I’ll get to later) last night. So as I was on my second trip of loading the car with goodies, already late for work, I was a little miffed when my cupcake-taker tilted, sending all the perfectly iced-and-sprinkled cupcakes tumbling to one end of the container. “Miffed” is an understatement. I was furious, which was a stronger response than I expected. (What’s the point of a cupcake-taker anyway, if it can’t withstand a little tilting?! Sheesh.)

I stewed over it the whole way to work, asking God why stuff like this always happens to me. I work so hard to make things nice for others, I thought to myself, and something inevitably gets messed up. (Yes, I’m young, single, and realize I don’t have much to actually get mad about, if ugly cupcakes upset me so much. I even rolled down my window on the Interstate to yell—very out of character for me—at a motorcyclist who was driving like an idiot. I think I yelled, “Traffic laws still apply to you!,” or something else equally helpful.

Later last night, after all the cupcakes had been eaten (the girls didn’t seem to mind that more icing was on the sides of the container than on the cakes themselves), I got to watch their reactions to seeing Christ crucified for them in The Passion of the Christ. With eyes wide, mouths covered by their hands in shock and horror, and tears streaming, I think most of them reached a new understanding of what Jesus went through for them. Our conversation afterward was great. Ruined cupcakes weren’t even on my radar at that point.

But when I went for a run after leaving the church, I opted for silence instead of my usual iPod running mix. I felt like I needed to revisit the morning’s outrage in the presence of God. I wasn’t proud of my reaction to something not going my way and felt like I needed to get to the bottom of my response.

I hope you’re not like me, but I tend to try to have things as perfect as possible. (I’m realizing this is a futile pursuit.) In doing the No Other Gods Bible study by Kelly Minter (an excellent study that you should definitely consider doing!), I realized why. One of my gods is concern with what other people think of me. I really thought I’d dealt with that idol, but it reared its ugly head again yesterday. The cupcake debacle really bothered me because I thought the sloppiness of smeared icing might cause someone to think that I was therefore sloppy, which would affect my worth. (Trust me, that sounds as stupid to me now that I’ve typed it as it does to you.)

I wish I had some profound spiritual insight to share with you here. But I just wanted you to hear my struggle and know that you’re not alone, in case you struggle with trying to actually be perfect too.

Ironic, isn’t it, that I chose to show a movie last night that highlighted the fact that Jesus’ life ended in a big mess. I mean that literally. He was covered in blood, his flesh hanging in tatters from the beating and whipping He endured. Our Savior wasn’t neat or pretty. But His purpose prevailed. Perfectly. And His subsequent resurrection was everything He’d promised. (And it was even neat—He folded that headcloth, didn’t He?!) I’m so thankful to have been saved by a God who is perfect and loves me in spite of my imperfections, even though I try to keep them covered up so no one else can see them.

I can’t wait for the completion of my salvation in heaven, where I will be perfect, whether or not my cupcakes were.
 

Given the current administration's stance on abstinence sex education programs, this story would be quite a shock to our political leaders: tinyurl.com/cfdy8e. The gist is this: A couple in Tennessee kissed for the first time when the pastor said, "you may kiss the bride."

While I'm not too keen on the term "virigin lips movement," I am intrigued this article. It flies in the face of those who say that "kids can't control themselves." And that sexual activity is a given.

Obviously they can. And apparently it's not.

I'm not advocating anything here, but it does give me pause to think.

I thought about the most common question about dating: "How far is too far?" The standard answer that I hear, see, or read most often is "anything but kissing is a bad idea." I don't like that answer. Never have. For some people, kissing is a very sensual act, leading to thoughts (and actions) that go nowhere good. (Some have even called kissing the "gateway drug" to sexual activity.)

My challenge to girls is to value their purity and their future spouse and not to get involved in anything that will compromise their purity, even if it means saying no to kissing. That's not a very popular answer for teens who want to walk on the edge as much as possible.

Some girls would take up the "virgfin lips movement" with gusto, standing strong on their value systems and their purity. They love to rebel against the idea that they are walking hormones in flip flops and that sex is nothing more than a rite of passage in high school (or junior high--or even elementary school).

On the other hand, some people would use this idea as a club by which to beat girls' spirits down and set up a legalistic standard that girls would feel doomed to miss. But we can't ignore the issue and think that girls will make good decisions on their own.

The truth is that presenting a godly perspective on sexuality will be very unpopular in today's culture. But as leaders, we have a choice: We can support, encourage, and challenge girls in their pursuit of purity. And talk about it often. (You don't tell a two-year-old to stay away from a hot stove once. You keep repeating the message.) Or we can let culture be the only voice and reap the consequences.

What do you think of the "virgin lips movement"?

"I prayed that you would be able to live faithfully in that great paradox of spiritual leadership: that your ministry is all about you (because you are the one God has called to be where you are in this moment) and it is not about you at all (because it is all about God's work in and through you and your ability to be given over to God in whatever moment you are in). I prayed that we would all know that this kind of availability to God on behalf of others is not something we can put on like a uniform..."

I don't know about you, but sometimes it's hard for me to live in that paradox....knowing that God wants to use me, but also being very aware that ministry to teen girls is soooo not about me. On one end of the spectrum is a grandiose idea of myself (thinking it's all about me). On the other end is a gross underestimation of what God wants to accomplish through me.

Being available to be used by God is a daily journey that requires my daily surrender. I'm just grateful I get to come along on the ride.

Meet Lanae Hale. Worship leader. Newlywed. Cool girl.

Her unique voice (and I’m not just saying that—you’ve got to hear this girl! I liken her voice to wisps of cotton candy that somehow turn into deep, rich dark chocolate, all wrapped up in something resembling an Irish lilt) is housed in a sweet, vivacious young woman who spreads sunshine into every corner of the room, whether she’s talking to you one-on-one or singing one of her intricate songs.

Your girls may relate to her past: she was a cutter who suffered from depression and described herself as “a shell of a person.” But she overcame. Despite growing up in the church, it wasn’t until she experienced the healing and grace of God that she actually embraced His love for her. She told me that she used to sincerely believe that God could love everyone—except her.

I’m pretty sure most girls have felt like they’re not good enough to be loved at one time or another. Disbelief that God’s love actually includes them is not uncommon for students. Connecting with this down-to-earth gal who’s walked through that may give them some insight into an all-too-common problem. So if you’re looking for a worship leader with a heart for girls and their struggles to lead worship at a retreat, girls’ event, DiscipleNow, or whatever you’ve got going on, check out Lanae here. We think you’ll like her. :)

Last week, I posted the first in a series of blogs entitled "The Long View of Girls' Ministry." It was based on 2 Timothy 4:5:

"But as for you, keep a clear head about everything, endure hardship, do the work of an evangelist, fulfill your ministry."

The first principle was: Keep a clear head.

The second principle is this: Endure hardship.

I love the way The Message paraphrases these words: "Accept the hard times along with the good."

Long-term girls' ministry will have its share of the hard times. Freshmen girls who would rather be texting each other than listening to you. The great juggling act between ministry and family and work (that can sometimes feel like juggling knives). Dry spells in your spiritual walk that leave you feeling deserted and alone. Watching girls make poor decisions and suffer the consequences.

In long-term, effective ministry, there's no easy way out. We choose to follow Paul's advice: endure. Notice that the verse doesn't say "deny your struggle" or "put on a good face and say everthing is OK." Paul said endure. By all means, cry when you're hurting. Own your frustration. Claim your anger. Name your discouragement. But in the end, don't give in. Don't give up. Keep going. Fight the good fight. Endure.

 Recently my family celebrated spring break with two other families in North Carolina. Of the twelve people in the small beach house—five were middle school and high school girls. One hot topic of the week was the Twilight series by Stephanie Meyer. My fun friend, who is a freshman in high school, is…well, frankly…obsessed with the characters in the series.

She’s read all the books at least once and received the Twilight DVD the week of our trip. She watched the movie no less than three times while we were at the beach.

What is it about this Twilight phenomenon? And it is not only a teen culture thing. I know friends who are hosting or attending themed parties where everyone dresses up like a character from the book and they watch the movie together.

I’m no teen culture expert. I depend others like you to keep me updated on all things teen in the ever-changing girl world. However, there are a couple of things I can gather from watching the Twilight obsession.

1. Most girls still dream of the perfect guy. The always-loving-and-caring guy, who will focus only on his girl and adore her every action. The guy who selflessly protects his girl’s virtue—her body, mind, emotions and reputation. He gives his best to his girl, she is not an afterthought. And this guy has the highest standards for himself.

2. There is something in all of us that longs for eternity. (Eccl. 3:11) Whether it is the believer who desires to know more about what heaven will be like or the unbeliever who wants know where we go after this life, we all long to know where we are going and who is going to be there with us. We were, after all, created for eternity.

As I continue to have conversations about vampires, werewolves, and eternity, one thing I’m certain of and can tell every girl: Jesus is way better than Edward! I love the character of Edward too, but he is just that, a fictional character.

I want to challenge girls to take the equal amount of time they’ve spent reading the Twilight series and read about Jesus’ love for them.  They would know that Jesus is what their heart is longing for. Jesus is their protector, the One who adores them, and the One they can spend eternity with…for real!

How do we get this message to the girls in our world? I would love to hear about your “Twilight conversations” (I know you’ve had them) and how you are helping girls compare and contrast the Twilight series with enduring love and eternity with Jesus.