Yesterday was not a good day. It started when I was trying to be “super LifeGroup leader” and bring snacks for my girls since we were going to be watching a movie (The Passion of the Christ, which I’ll get to later) last night. So as I was on my second trip of loading the car with goodies, already late for work, I was a little miffed when my cupcake-taker tilted, sending all the perfectly iced-and-sprinkled cupcakes tumbling to one end of the container. “Miffed” is an understatement. I was furious, which was a stronger response than I expected. (What’s the point of a cupcake-taker anyway, if it can’t withstand a little tilting?! Sheesh.)
I stewed over it the whole way to work, asking God why stuff like this always happens to me. I work so hard to make things nice for others, I thought to myself, and something inevitably gets messed up. (Yes, I’m young, single, and realize I don’t have much to actually get mad about, if ugly cupcakes upset me so much. I even rolled down my window on the Interstate to yell—very out of character for me—at a motorcyclist who was driving like an idiot. I think I yelled, “Traffic laws still apply to you!,” or something else equally helpful.
Later last night, after all the cupcakes had been eaten (the girls didn’t seem to mind that more icing was on the sides of the container than on the cakes themselves), I got to watch their reactions to seeing Christ crucified for them in The Passion of the Christ. With eyes wide, mouths covered by their hands in shock and horror, and tears streaming, I think most of them reached a new understanding of what Jesus went through for them. Our conversation afterward was great. Ruined cupcakes weren’t even on my radar at that point.
But when I went for a run after leaving the church, I opted for silence instead of my usual iPod running mix. I felt like I needed to revisit the morning’s outrage in the presence of God. I wasn’t proud of my reaction to something not going my way and felt like I needed to get to the bottom of my response.
I hope you’re not like me, but I tend to try to have things as perfect as possible. (I’m realizing this is a futile pursuit.) In doing the No Other Gods Bible study by Kelly Minter (an excellent study that you should definitely consider doing!), I realized why. One of my gods is concern with what other people think of me. I really thought I’d dealt with that idol, but it reared its ugly head again yesterday. The cupcake debacle really bothered me because I thought the sloppiness of smeared icing might cause someone to think that I was therefore sloppy, which would affect my worth. (Trust me, that sounds as stupid to me now that I’ve typed it as it does to you.)
I wish I had some profound spiritual insight to share with you here. But I just wanted you to hear my struggle and know that you’re not alone, in case you struggle with trying to actually be perfect too.
Ironic, isn’t it, that I chose to show a movie last night that highlighted the fact that Jesus’ life ended in a big mess. I mean that literally. He was covered in blood, his flesh hanging in tatters from the beating and whipping He endured. Our Savior wasn’t neat or pretty. But His purpose prevailed. Perfectly. And His subsequent resurrection was everything He’d promised. (And it was even neat—He folded that headcloth, didn’t He?!) I’m so thankful to have been saved by a God who is perfect and loves me in spite of my imperfections, even though I try to keep them covered up so no one else can see them.
I can’t wait for the completion of my salvation in heaven, where I will be perfect, whether or not my cupcakes were.
What a great encouragement Emily! I think on one level or another young women struggle with the issue of image and how others perceive us. Even worldly women who do not know Christ seek to portray what they perceive to be perfection. In Christ, thankfully, because of His fullness, we have all received GRACE upon GRACE from the Lord (John 1:16). And I'm sure that He who began a good work in us will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus (Phil. 1:6)What a glorious day that will be!
Just found your blog and your twitter. Great information. I used to listen to a very popular talk show host (her name started with an O). She started all these spiritual segments at the end of her show, showing different ways people spent their quiet times. She made the same sort of statement...I spend time with God and whoever or whatever you connect with...sort of thing. She lost me right there. I believe that we have become too tolerant on this issue. Girls need to hear from adults that there is only one God.
Thanks for sharing Emily! The similarities are uncanny. I have grappled with my perfectionism and people pleasing for years. I am just beginning to explore my dream of writing. I have been sharing some of it with people recently, only to have them look at me like I have four heads after they have read it. Ha! Through that, God has really been dealing with me on my need to have approval or affirmation from others a lot!!! It is almost as if He is asking me, "Are you going to allow that to derail you from the plans I have for you? Or will you keep moving forward and be obedient?" Yikes. My answer varies depending on the day it seems. Also, I am leading a group of women through No Other Gods this summer as our summer study. I am glad to hear you recommend it. I am really excited about it. I know God is going to do a good work through that study. Thanks for your transparency in this blog!