Sometimes you write a blog, and you get no response. No feedback. No comments. Makes you wonder if anyone is actually online reading your stuff.

This discussion of homosexuality has not been one of those times.

I'm not quite sure why this topic has elicited so many responses both here on this blog and on my Facebook account. II don't know if it's the politically charged nature of the topic. I don't know if it's because people very strongly about this issue, one way or the other. I don't know if the topic strikes a nerve because churches are facing it more and more. I think it's probably a combination of all of those.

What I am absolutely certain about is this: homosexuality will become a major issue in our churches, if it hasn't already become one. So how should the church respond to the issue? It can ignore it, which many churches choose to do. Don't talk about it. Don't mention it. Don't approach the subject. It's uncomfortable. Political. Emotional. Murky. Divisive. Confusing. Polarizing. Distracting.

Or the church can respond in a legalistic, speak-the-truth-and-let-love-come-later-after-they-repent stance. You've probably seen elements of that in the media as news reels show people picketing with signs that say, "God hates fags." Unfortunately, most people involved in the gay lifestyle that I've met expect, fear, or have encountered this response. In fact, I had a conversation with a woman the other day who told me that exact thing. She said, "I was worried that if I told you, you would judge me."

Where is the middle ground? How can we as followers of Jesus continue to hold to our biblical beliefs and yet address homosexuality? The truth is that there aren't any easy answers. There isn't a cut-and-dried five-step method for talking with people who are struggling with (or who are comfortable with) same-gender feelings or lifestyles.

What I can suggest are some principles that will help you as you try to wrestle with how to approach this subject in your church or in your small group:

1. Check your own attitudes. If you were to be totally honest, how do you feel about homosexuals? Are you afraid of talking with them? Why? What prejudices do you have about people who are attracted to those of the same gender? The first step in addressing this issue is to evaluate your own attitudes, prejudices, misconceptions, and even sinful thoughts about homosexuals.

2. Check your language. Hang out with teenagers long enough, and you're bound to hear the statement (or something like it): "That's so gay" or "You're such a fag." It's commonly used to indicate that something is lame or stupid. But for a person struggling with homosexuality, it's just another way of feeling isolated and shamed and hated. Make it clear to your students that such language is off-limits in your group, just like foul language or language that puts others down.

3. Close the sin gap. We as human beings like to classify sins. We like to think that some sins are worse than others, and as long as we're not involved in "those things", then we're OK. It's OK to tell a white lie, but it's not OK to lie to your spouse about who you were talking to online. It's not OK to cheat on your tithe, but it's OK to cheat on your taxes. It's OK to have temptations about sexual purity, but it's not OK to be tempted by someone of the same gender. It's OK to be obese and not take care of your body, but it's not OK to be anorexic. Get the point? The truth is that sin is sin. There's no sin that makes me more acceptable in God's eyes and no sin that makes me less forgiven by His grace. For all the campaigns and marches against homosexuality, I've yet to hear people raise a ruckus about being gluttons.

4. Dialogue, don't argue. The homosexuals that I have met are defensive. And the more you argue with them about how they're wrong and you're right, the higher the wall between the two of you. Instead, approach the situation with a willingness to listen. You won't be swayed by their arguments (and neither will the other person), but you can learn a lot. What led them to engage in this lifestyle. Where they struggle. Fears they have. Questions that still linger. Their theology and biblical interpretations. By engaging in an actual dialogue, you earn respect and credibility. And you leave the door open for future conversations.

5. Remember, you're not the Holy Spirit. He doesn't need your help in bringing a person to conviction and repentance. He's been handling that task well for centuries. However, you can be Jesus with skin on. You can choose to hang out with "sinners" and "tax collectors". You can accept the unaccepted and be an instrument of grace while at the same time maintaining the integrity of Scripture.

6. Watch your first reaction. When a girl comes to you and tells you about the struggles she's having, how will you respond in that moment? Will you change the subject because you're uncomfortable? Will you say, "You're not gay. Don't worry about it." Will you look around to see if anyone else is around who might overhear you? Will you put physical space between the two of you? How you react in those initial moments will make the difference. Even if you're completely caught off guard, don't react that way. Be calm. Take time to listen. Ask questions. Allow the story to unfold. That the girl would talk to you in the first place shows that she trusts you. Don't betray that trust by the way you respond.

7. Address the issue in your group. I know, I'm treading on shaky ground here, especially with younger students. Some parents don't want you discussing anything of a sexual nature with their girls. They're "not ready" for it. Other parents welcome your voice in the discussion (and may leave discussions of this nature up to you so they don't have to talk about it at home). And you're caught in the middle. Your girls are dealing with this issue on some level. They hear about it. They watch TV shows that feature gay characters. Friends are coming out. Others are asking if they're willing to experiment. Girls need a place that will offer biblical, honest, authentic answers free of political agendas. The church can be that place. You may need to alert parents ahead of time. Or even cover the material with parents before you talk with the girls. But find a way to open the door to discussion.

I know a blog ike this is bound to lead to discussion. To be honest, I am looking forward to it. So feel free to post your thoughts and reactions. 

This weekend was one of those reflective weekends for me. It started by remembering the life of a friend who died in a car wreck a few years ago. Saturday, September 26^th would have been her 35^th birthday. All weekend I thought about her life, her influence, and her impact upon the world for Christ. I continue to ponder why her life would be cut short and watch for ways that God can continue to use this tragedy for His glory.

Later on Saturday we celebrated my youngest daughter’s 9^th birthday with a party. In the time span of a few hours, I went from pondering death to reflecting upon abundant and energetic life…twelve nine-year-olds have a lot of life. As I watched these girls playing and squealing, I thought about who they may become in the next ten or twenty years. What type of influence will they have upon others? What kind of impact will they make upon their world?

And then Sunday evening we started our season of small groups. Almost every Sunday evening, until the end of May 2010, we will have a “family group” of high school girls in our home. As we met these girls, some for the first time, I wondered what this year would hold. How would this small discipleship group influence their lives? What kind of impact does the Lord want me to make? What kind of impact will these girls have upon my life and others around them?

It seemed that God wanted me to remember something important through the events of this weekend. He wanted me to remember the people who have had a profound impact upon my life—those who have challenged me to become everything God desires me to be. And He wanted me to remember that in every season of life He has placed people all around me who continue to influence and impact my life.

Proverbs 27:17 says, “Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another.” A true friend, a mentor, or an influencer in your life sharpens you. Specifically, they sharpen you spiritually. God uses those people to speak truth into your life. He uses them to challenge you so that you don’t become dull spiritually.

Who is God currently using in your life to sharpen you? In the midst of being a girls’ minister, a mentor, a teacher, and an influencer, do you have others in your life that challenge you and speak truth into your life?

Think about those people in your life who have made a huge impact upon you. Thank them if you can…or at least for today remember and be thankful.

Pam and I just got back from lunch with Jenny Simmons, the lead singer of Addison Road. While I don’t often eat lunch with Christian artists whose songs get radio play, I’ve interacted with enough of them to realize that this girl is the real deal. Over yummy food on the patio at Baja Burrito, she opened up about living out a ministry she wasn’t expecting.

See, she thought that by surrendering her life to the Lord, she’d end up somewhere far away, suffering for Jesus. So when God opened the doors for her to be part of a band that’s been able to do some cool things in some cool places, she said she felt a little guilty. But it turns out, life as part of band is really hard too. She and her husband have brought their 5-month-old on tour, and the difficulty of crazy schedules coupled with handing the baby off to someone they’ve never met to care for their child while they lead worship is tough. To top it off, the van they tour in met its demise when it ran into a recently-fallen oak tree in a rainstorm this past week. Yeah, the van they were supposed to leave in tomorrow. So she’s a little overwhelmed.
 

But in the midst of that, I saw her sweet spirit, dependence on the Lord, and heart for teen girls shine. It was refreshing to meet a woman who wants to give girls someone to look up to and recognizes the platform God has given her. In Jenny, they’ve got someone real, someone who loves the Lord and His Word, and someone who will point them to Him every time.

I’m thankful to have heard her heart. And good news—soon, you will too! Be on the lookout for some thoughts from Jenny about girls today—what they’re going through, how they think, how they respond to her and her music, and more. She’ll be guest-blogging on this blog in the future. (You know, when she’s not being a wife, loving on her baby, leading worship, traveling, writing songs, and the 11 million other things she does.) But in the meantime, if you’d like to see what she’s up to now, check out her blog.
 

 

 

Note: Today's blog is written by Lauren Farmer, one of our guest bloggers. A newly graduated seminary student and a new transplant to Nashville, Lauren has a passion and heart for girls. She constantly challenges my thinking and helps me maintain authenticity in my approach to ministry. She doesn't come from a Christian background, so she offers a unique perspective to reaching girls who don't come through our doors with a heritage of faith. She loves to laugh, spend time with family and friends, travel the world, curl up with a good book, and drink Diet Coke.

This year I am co-leading a group of 8th grade girls with one of the girl’s grandmothers. Yes, I said grandmother! Now, to be fair, Alice is quite young—not to mention vibrant, energetic and full of life. So often we tend to write-off older generations when we think of girls ministry. And more and more I am realizing what a tragedy that is as I get to know Alice and other precious older women.  Each time I watch Alice interact with our group I learn a bit more about how to love these girls and minister to them. Alice hasn’t been to seminary or attended a slew of girls' ministry conferences, but she loves God and she loves those girls. When one of them won’t stop talking about her friend’s cousin’s boyfriend’s little sister’s sick puppy, Alice listens intently with interest and compassion (while I sit waiting for the perfect moment to interject and insist we move on to the lesson). The girls love Alice and they respect her.  They love her because she loves them and they respect her because she shares her life with them. Alice is real and honest with our group. She doesn’t try to pretend she is hip or cool; she just loves each girl, prays for them, and tries to encourage them in their walk with Christ.

Each week I learn a little bit more about Alice and her story.  It is a story of heartache, sickness, and death. And it a story of God’s faithfulness, love, and grace through tragedy. Alice may not be able to tell you about the most current practices and trends in girls ministry, but she knows God. Alice has walked through the most difficult of circumstances all the while continually testifying to God’s faithfulness and goodness. I have much to learn from Alice. I look up to women like her.  Women who have walked down difficult roads and remain sure of their God. I want to be like Alice when I’m a grandmother - a woman who is gracious, compassionate, kind, who loves and trusts God, and who still spends her time pouring her life into younger women. 

I fear that many girls are missing out on the blessing of wisdom and experience an “Alice” brings.  And I fear that many of us leaders are so busy ministering to our girls that we forget that we need an "Alice” in our own lives as well. So take a few minutes this week to stop and look around at the women God has placed in your church. Pray that God brings you an Alice or two your way. Seek them out if needed.  Trust me—the blessing and encouragement to you and your girls will be well worth it.

How do you incorporate different generations in your girls' ministry?

Lately, my quiet times have felt a little dry, as if I’m just sipping on the Word. I’d prefer to want to gulp it down like the Gatorade you throw back as you’re running a long race. I want to feel like I’m going to die of thirst if I don’t get in the Word. I want my soul to feel quenched by it when I spend time in it. But let’s just say I’m going through a bit of a drought in my quiet times. They’re consistent, but lately, they’re not deep. Maybe you feel the same way.

Don’t get me wrong—I’ve read the Bible all the way through. I spend hours in it most days, checking references and wording for the work I do. I’m pretty familiar with it. But I’ve overlooked how powerful it can be. It’s not just another reference manual on my desk, along with the dictionaries and AP Style Books. I need to remember that it’s the living, breathing Word of God.

Yesterday was the last day of the National Youth Worker’s Conference here at LifeWay. It’s been great to interact with youth workers from all over the country. Tuesday night, David Platt spoke. I was struck by his love of the Word and how he could quote it, reference it, and move around in it as he presented his message. It’s apparent he’s spent a lot of time in it. He challenged youth leaders to teach the Bible because it is powerful. Platt also reminded youth workers to pray. These are basics, and yet they are easy to overlook as we focus on planning, programming, and all the other tasks associated with ministry.

The Bible may be our instruction manual, but some of our students have only a vague idea of what’s in it. How are you helping them cultivate a deep love of the Word? How do we teach them to gulp from the Bible instead of sipping?

Here are a few suggestions from Sherry Spillman, Student Ministry Specialist at LifeWay:
1.    Make sure that the meat of Bible study actually searches Scripture and is spent examining God’s Word. It’s easy for Bible study to become a discussion of girls’ and leaders’ opinions. Go to the Bible so that girls can discover that the answers to their questions are actually in there.
2.    Be careful not to answer your own questions. Don’t let the uncomfortable silence after your question cause you to rush to answer it yourself. Give the girls time to wrestle through their answers.
3.    Prepare your heart for worship to take place during Bible study. Worship isn’t just about music and singing; it’s about encountering God and being transformed by His presence. It should be taking place in our Bible studies.
4.    Make sure that your girls are given an opportunity to measure their lives against the truth you’ve studied. Examining their lives in comparison to the Holy God found in Scripture will help them realize how short of Him they fall. In light of that realization, their surrender to and dependence on Him should follow.

Lately I have been hearing a lot about teen girls and homosexuality. Phone calls from ministry leaders. Questions during speaking engagements. Emails. Hallway conversations.

This is one of those subjects that I hesitate to blog about. It's a deep issue. It's politically charged. It has the potential to open up a can of worms. I'm not political. I do not have an agenda. I'm not a trained therapist. I do not have all the answers. But I do feel compelled to make a few observations about this "trendy" issue among girls.

Why Girls Act Out

Needless to say, one of the reasons girls engage in same-sex relationships is because they are sinners. We're all tempted. Some girls are just tempted by this particular issue. That being said, I think teen girls demonstrate lesbian behavior for several reasons:

1. The shock factor. Tattoos are common, even among youth ministers. Body piercing is boring. So what's left to shock those around you? Tales of what you did over the weekend with another girl. What better to shock your parents with than an announcement that you're gay? Or to shock your youth minister? Or your fellow classmates? You can gain notariety and fame overnight. Granted, it's not glory that most of us would ever want, but when you're desperate...

2. Media saturation. I'm not one to blame everything on the media, but when you see commercials for the latest movie and it includes a same-gender kiss, you know that things have gone horribly awry. From the famous kiss between Brittany and Madonna to same gender relationships on just about every prime-time show on television (including "reality" TV), it's no wonder than teen girls are adopting the understanding that what they are experiencing, questioning, and moving toward is absolutely normal. Average. Perfectly acceptable. Their favorite celebs are blatantly gay or label themselves "lipstick lesbians". If everyone else is exploring this area, why shouldn't you? If it's not taboo, why not try it out? What's the big deal? What's the appeal?

3. Lack of boundaries. Many girls (and guys) growing up in today's culture have no sense of what healthy boundaries look like—emotionally or physically. They do not understand the concept that some things are just inappropriate or why something is off-limits. Without any boundaries, anything goes.

4. Dysfunctional family relationships. Researchers continue to debate about the impact of a family of origin on a person's sexual identity and development. And such debate probably won't go away any time soon. The reality is that a lot of people who grow up in dysfunctional relationships with one or more parents turn to homosexuality. I'm not saying that there is a correlation. I'm not saying that it is inevitable. I'm just saying that there seems to be an awful lot of evidence to suggest that there are underlying dynamics that create an environment where exploring same-gender feelings becomes a desirable option.

5. Normal adolescent development. What do you do when everything in your world upside down overnight? How do you deal with intense feelings, even intensity toward those of the same gender? If you listen to today's culture, you need to label yourself as gay, come out of the closet, and explore those feelings to their natural end. But what many people fail to realize is that teen girls (and guys) are dealing with HUGE shifts in their neural, emotional, social, and physical development. Chemicals are running all over the place. Deep feelings and the need for friendship with those of the same gender are normal, but most girls just don't know how to deal with those feelings. They look around for an answer, and the only answer they see is the one offered by the gay community. No one has talked to them about healthy expressions of love and fidelity within same gender relationships.

6. Blurred gender lines. Metrosexual. Feminazi. Feminist. Macho. All gender labels that are strong and incite immediate emotional response. But what does it truly mean to be feminine? What does it mean to be masculine? Is there a difference between gender identity and gender roles? What is the church's response? The lines between genders has become increasingly blurred and the girls (and guys) growing up in this culture bear the brunt of this ambivalence. Unfortunately, the church hasn't helped  much when it comes to helping girls understand what it means to be female.

In Part 2, I'll discuss how the church should respond. For now, I'd love to hear your feedback on how you have encountered and responded to this issue.

After spending the weekend with hundreds of moms and daughters at the You & Your Girl event in Broken Arrow, Oklahoma, I am reminded all over again why I love girls’ ministry and why I love the girl world.

So here is just a fun little list of 10 things I love about girls and girls’ ministry. (My list may change tomorrow, but that is my prerogative!)

Drum roll please….

10. Girls come in all shapes, sizes, colors, and personalities. Like snowflakes or fingerprints, no two girls are exactly the same. And they are loved by God as uniquely as they have been created.

9. Wherever you find girls, you'll find purses and cute shoes!

8. Girls dream. They want to be athletes, musicians, artists, and creative thinkers. They are chemists and doctors and balerinas and Marines and writers and shoppers and apologists. The world is wide open to them. Their optimism is contagious.

7. Girls have brains! Girls are smart, thoughtful and contemplative. And they will challenge you—often when you least expect it.

6. Girls have heart! Girls are full of feelings and emotions and can be expressive and demonstrative. They are passionate, caring, confused, apathetic, enthusiastic, angry, sad, happy, perplexed, perplexing, vexed and vexing, discouraged and full of hope. To know them is to see the full range of human emotion—sometimes in a matter of a few minutes!

5. Girls giggle. At everything and nothing. They are a reminder not to take myself so seriously.

4. Girls talk. And talk…and talk…and talk…and talk….

3. Girls are immature. While this can be extremely frustrating at times, it can also be a gift. Watching girls transform from a gangly sixth grader to a confident college student is amazing. And to know that you had a just a small part in that change is a reward beyond any dollar amount.

2.  Girls love. They love each other. They love you. They love God. And to get to watch them love is a gift.

1.  Girls can change the world. And their neighborhood, their school, and your church. The potential in each of them is immeasurable. 

Celebrate your girls today and enjoy their differences!

What do you love about girls' ministry?
 

The parents of the girls in our ministries are responsible for their daughters’ spiritual formation. But some of them have shirked that responsibility and decided to let us handle it. A mother should be her daughter’s biggest ally and closest confidant, but she should never forget her job to “teach what is good and to encourage the young women” (Titus 2:3b-4a). Unfortunately, we’ve all heard horror stories of moms who are actively destroying their daughter’s self-confidence with thoughtless comments about her or who are acting like teenagers themselves.

I heard about a mom who used Facebook to publish a note in which she slandered a group of girls at her daughter’s school. Of course, chaos ensued as girls rushed to defend themselves and lash out at the mom and her daughter, while boys egged on the argument as the comments on the note spiraled out of control.

[For an article on healthy Facebooking boundaries for parents, check out pages 6-7 of next month’s issue of Living with Teenagers. Using Facebook to air your thoughts about your kid’s friends is NOT OK.]

I’m sure you have your own battle stories of mothers you’ve had to deal with in your ministries. But I also hope you have some awesome moms whom you get to partner with to impact the next generation. It’s an important part to play, as mothers and daughters sometimes need your help in connecting with each other and growing spiritually.

When was the last time you planned an event for moms and daughters in your church? What has worked well for you in your ministries to get mothers and daughters on the same page (or at least in the same room for an extended period of time)? We’d love to hear what you’ve done and how it’s worked, as well as any ideas you might like to share.

And for ideas on mother-daughter events, check out chapter 10 in Jimmie Davis’ Girl’s Ministry Idea Book.

When I was a teenager and young adult, disagreeing with a company or retailer meant one thing: boycotting. I continually heard about companies that were unethical, unbiblical, and therefore unworthy of my hard-earned money (like I had a lot in college!). I think the constant stream of boycotting campaigns left me a little cynical and bored with thinking critically about where I shop. Until now.

When I receive emails or blog posts from people telling me about a company's awful practices (whether that be sweatshops or a questionable line of clothing), I sometimes check it out on the Internet to see if it's true, especially when the claims appear so outrageous or off-the-wall (I won't bore you with all the ones that I found to be untrue or misrepresented).

Earlier this week, I got one such email. It was a forward from a coworker who had received it from another source. It said that, "Abercrombie & Fitch and Hollister Company's new t-shirt line is sick and perverted." I thought I'd better check this one out because today's girls frequent both of those stores.

I went online to both sites. Found nothing about their t-shirts. Since I didn't find anything online, I decided to take a field trip during lunch to one of our local malls to investigate this email claim. I walked in to A&F and looked around. Most of the stuff I was prepared for—shirts too tight, shorts too short, images too seductive. But no "sick and perverted" t-shirts. I made a quick sweep through the entire store and was about to leave when I found them—in the back, in the darkest corner of the store. Here's just a sampling of the shirts I saw with my own two baby-blues:

• Tie me up, don't tie me down
• All bed no breakfast
• I always end up on top 
• Anyone you can do, I can do better

Now that you've picked your jaw up off of your keyboard....yes, you read those correctly.

Obviously, we would never want any of our teen girls to wear those shirts. And obviously, these shirts would be a springboard for discussion about sexuality and modesty and the need for pure speech. But that's not where this blog post is going.

My question, my struggle goes back to the beginning of my post—boycotting.

Is that the right response? Should believers (and any unbeliever with half a moral conscience) stand up for themselves and vow never to shop at those stores? And more importantly for our discussion, what do we as leaders teach girls to do?

I could say nothing. I could just accept the fact that teen girls will shop where they want to shop, despite the marketing geared at them or the unethical behavior of the store. I could tell the girls that they should just ignore the stuff that's immoral and buy the stuff that covers their backsides (good luck in that store!).

On the other hand, I could walk into my discipleship group on Wednesday night and declare that I think A&F is evil and that I think they shouldn't shop there. The end result? I will have accomplished nothing more than putting up a major wall between my girls and me. They'd label me "out of touch", (sometimes I am) tell me that I "just don't understand," (sometimes I don't) and that "there's nowhere else to shop."

I don't think either extreme is an option. Girls will shop in stores with questionable practices and immodest clothing lines. Even Wal-Mart and Target carry immoral or suggestive items at times. This response, taken to its logical end, would mean that Christians cloister themselves behind a wall and refuse to engage the culture.

Is there a happy medium?

I think it's a matter of helping girls to think for themselves and to process their faith as something that impacts every area of their lives, including where they shop. We as adults need to help girls process why stores like A&F carry items like suggestive t-shirts and other pieces of clothing—because it's provocative; because teens like to push the envelope; because the company wants to push the envelope; because t-shirts like that sell.We need to help girls understand the deeper issues related to that company—sexuality; honoring God, and others; respecting yourself; rebellion; individuality, consumerism, buying strategies.

And we need to discuss with girls how what we buy reflects who we are (and whose we are). We give our approval to a line of clothing, even to a company, with every dollar we spend. I guarantee that if teen girls stopped shopping at A&F because of the company's practices, the company would change its practices.

There may be some major disagreements and a lot of heated discussion, and that's OK. Girls will struggle with this, and that's good. I think authentic spirituality involves struggle. It never involves easy answers. I would rather girls wrestle with these issues in a safe place like the church than when they're standing in a store, trying to decide what to buy.

In the end, girls (and adults) need to understand that God does care about where they shop, just as He cares about every aspect of their lives. He cares about His glory and His renown, not A&F's.

How do engage girls in a discussion about issues such as responsible consumerism?

When I was in middle school and high school, cheating involved tiny writing on tiny slips of paper tucked creatively within the palm of your hand. Or writing formulas on your desk in math class. Or warning a friend in the hallway between classes that a pop quiz was looming in Chemistry. And most of us—if not all of us—knew it was wrong.

All of that was so 20th century.

Not only has the thinking around cheating evolved (or de-evolved), but the means of cheating has also changed. A study released this summer by Common Sense Media shows that students are using technology to help themselves to a better grade:

• More than 35% of teens admitted to using their cell phones to cheat.
• 65% say others in their school cheat using cell phones ("I don't do that, but someone else does.")
• 52% said cheating involving the Internet (looking on the Internet for the answer to a test question)
• 38% have copied text from various Internet sites and said it was their own work

Others used their cell phones to text friends and warn them of upcoming pop quizzes. Some even used the cameras on their cell phones to take pictures of the tests for friends.

Talk about creative. What would happen if these same students applied the same effort or energy to actually study?

I'm not surprised that students cheat. They're sinners just like the rest of us. They're tempted in the same way an adult is tempted to cheat on his taxes. What is alarming to me is their attitude about cheating. I'm not suprised, but I'm still bothered:

"Many students do not consider this behavior as cheating. Only about half of students polled admit that cell phone use during tests is a serious cheating offense, and just 16 percent say calling or texting friends to warn them of a pop quiz is cheating; instead, they believe they're simply helping a friend.

Students who cheat using the internet generally view plagiarism as more serious an offense than other types of cheating, yet more than a third of teens (36 percent) said downloading a paper from the internet was not a serious offense, and 42 percent said coping text from web sites was a either a minor offense or not cheating at all."

I've been asking myself some questions:

How would this generation of teens define cheating? Would they even have a working definition for it that guided their actions?

I haven't figured out the answer to either of those questions. But I do know that as we work with girs, we need to have discussions about integrity. Honesty. Character. Those topics aren't nearly as flashy as our retreats on fashion, boys, or taming the tongue. And I think that's probably why we don't talk about them nearly as much.

Maybe we don't talk about honesty because we struggle with it ourselves and don't want to point the finger. The temptation not to give back the extra change the cashier gave back. Cheating on a spouse—even if only emotionally. Making copies of something that's copyrighted, including music or computer programs. The struggle with tithing when money gets tight. The temptation to say everything is great when you're hurting. It's all about integrity. Honesty. Character.

Even though we as leaders may sometimes struggle with these issues doesn't give us an excuse not to talk about them. It means that we allow others to hold us accountable (which means being honest, ironically). It means holding students accountable, even if it's not fun or flashy or popular. And it means talking with girls about it. Often.

It’s initiation time in some high school sororities and clubs. In an attempt to either embarrass or teach some initiates a lesson in the less-is-more makeup approach, those girls are not allowed to wear makeup this week. For some, this was terrifying. Being seen without their usual facemask of makeup might cause classmates to realize what they really look like. For others, it was liberating. Now that people know what they look like without makeup, the pressure is off to make sure their faces are perfect every morning.

If it’d been me, I’d have been in the first group—not thrilled to be told I couldn't wear makeup. Not so much because I looked all that different without makeup, but because concealer is a close friend of mine. Acne was the source of such frustration and heartache for me in high school. I agonized over my face, lamenting the fact that other girls didn’t have to deal with it like I did. (And my acne really wasn’t that bad then, and I'm sure other girls were dealing with it as much as I was, in retrospect.) But I think that had everyone else gone without makeup too, it would have been a very freeing experience.

You get glimpses of that freedom during retreats, swimming parties, and hard-labor mission trips when girls see each other without all the typical stuff they use to project an image of perfection. Once the makeup, nice clothes, accessories, etc. are left out, it levels the playing field somewhat.

I’ve seen this happen spiritually, too. One girl takes off her mask and reveals something very real that she’s struggling with. Other girls realize that they’re not alone. One by one, the masks come down.

Authenticity is so important. Our students crave it from us, from each other, and from themselves. How are you encouraging it in your girls? Do you have a mask you need to take off yourself?

Let me first give this disclaimer: I am not a liscenced therapist. Nor do I have any advanced degree in psychology.

First, I see it in the teen girls I encounter on a regular basis. My husband is a high school girls' volleyball coach, which means I'm involved with girls' volleyball. I have watched over the last few years an increasing dependence and attachment to cell phones. Between warm-ups and the match, the girls make a beeline over to their bags to check to see if they have any message. Same thing after the match. I've even seen girls bring their cell phone chargers to the gym and plug them in between games. I've also seen girls asking other girls (managers or those out with an injury) to check their messages for them.

Seriously. What can happen in the course of a volleyball game that would require that sort of diligence?

I see it in girls who text during movies, during class (my husband tells me about these), and even during worship service and Bible study.

Secondly, I watched a video recently that highlight the dangers of texting while driving. (Please keep in mind: this video is VERY graphic.) What is more interesting to me than the actual video are the comments left by teenagers. If you can get past their crude langauge, underneath you will see a common thread: denial that texting while driving is a real problem.

Thirdly, I was in a meeting with my student ministry team yesterday. During the course of that meeting, we watched a short Dr. Phil video clip in which a girl is confronted about her texting behavior while driving. Please understand, I'm not a Dr. Phil fan. But on this particular issue, he was spot-on right.

While I appreciated what he had to say to her, I really don't think she will stop texting and driving. Why? Because much of her language and her own admissions sound very much like someone who is an addict. In case you are unable to view the clip (which I highly recommend), I noted several of her statements:

"I don't think anything will happen to me when I text and drive because I feel like I'm a good enough texter." (how many alcoholics think they can hold their alcohol and drink and drive?)

"I wouldn't say that I lie to my mother, I would say that I exaggerate when I say I never text [and drvie]." (how many drug addicts lie about their behavior?)

"I honestly don't think there's anything that can make me stop texting." (how many sexual addicts have this same attitude?)

Now, keep in mind that this girl has had her license for only four months. In that time period, she hit a curb and did $3000 damage to her car. She hit a guard rail (she said it was a little, tiny, scratch.) She got a ticket for doing 80 in a 55 because she was texting and lost track of her speed.

In another instance, she nearly hit a person on the street while her sister was in the car (she was texting at the time). Her response? "It wasn't that close."

Really. Ask the person you nearly ran over. How close does it have to get?

Did you catch the signs of addiction in her conversation, language, and attitude?

Lying about the behavior. Doing activities that put you and others at risk of harm. Difficulty in cutting down or controlling the behavior. Frequent engagement in the behavior to a greater extent over time. An "I don't care" attitude.

Please understand, I am not on a personal crusade against this girl. I don't even know her name. I am concerned because she's not the only girl with this problem. She's just the one who was willing to talk on camera. Hers is not an isolated case. She's just one in thousands.

In student ministry, we often talk about addiction—drugs, alcohol, and even pornography if we're bold. But how many of us have conversations with our students about an addiction to the cell phone? Is this an ongoing conversation that we need to be having with our girls? Do we need to begin to look for signs in our students that show an addiction to texting, just like we are on the lookout for pornography usage or alcohol usage?

I understand that girls text each other because they're relational and they want to stay connected with others. I'm a girl, too. I've been guilty of texting when I should have been paying attention in a meeting (My apologies, Scott). I understand that this is the way they communicate.

But somewhere, somehow, responsible adults (including parents) need to draw a line in the sand and say, "enough." We need to recognize that texting can cause more harm than good in some situations. Somehow, we need to figure out how to strike the balance between ministering to students in channels they use (like texting devotions or reminders about Bible study), and becoming part of the problem.

If girls (and guys) cannot unplug and be quiet long enough to hear from God, then we've done a disservice to them as their leaders. We have not helped them grow as disciples who love Jesus—more than their cell phones.

Mentoring.

A mere mention of the world sends up a flurry of emotions for most people. Me? Mentor? Why me? How do I mentor someone? What do I do first? What if the girl and I don't get along? It's the same reaction I felt the first time I walked into a college class—panic.

The longer I was on campus, the easier college became (except for those math classes!). As I walked through the experience, the mystery was replaced with experience. It turned into a joy (except for the math classes).

The same applies to mentoring teen girls. It sounds daunting and scary. But with a little experience, you'll be encouraing others to do the same.

The book Context: Engaging the Young Adults of Your Community contains some great tips for mentoring. (I think the book is an informative little read, too. It's meant for young adults, but a lot of the principles and tips translate to today's teens.) Here they are (with a girls' ministry twist):

1. Schedule it. Make sure the girl knows that on every Thursday (or every couple of weeks), she will be hanging out at Starbucks. This gives her consistency, accountability, and anticipation.

2. Share hobbies and interests. Sometimes, the best conversations about spiritual matters don't happen with a Bible open. They happen on a jog, while painting pottery, or while cooking a meal. The less formal setting creates an atmosphere in which personal walls are naturally lowered.

3. Share a task. If you are going to do your taxes, let a senior girl help you. She needs to see what she'll be facing in the future. Taking a meal to a family who just experienced a death? Take a girl with you. Girls learn most by experience, not by discussion.

4. Be slow to speak and quick to listen. Enough said.

5. Be authentic. If you act like you've got it all together, then you've lost your audience. Girls know you aren't perfect. Admitting to and living in your own brokenness actually gives you a platform to speak. This generation craves, seeks, and demands authenticity.

6. Journal. Keep track of what you talk about, including things you pray about. Over time, you'll be able to track progress and notice patterns of where God is working and moving.

I'm sure there are lots more tips for mentoring teen girls. What are your ideas?