Lately I have been hearing a lot about teen girls and homosexuality. Phone calls from ministry leaders. Questions during speaking engagements. Emails. Hallway conversations.
This is one of those subjects that I hesitate to blog about. It's a deep issue. It's politically charged. It has the potential to open up a can of worms. I'm not political. I do not have an agenda. I'm not a trained therapist. I do not have all the answers. But I do feel compelled to make a few observations about this "trendy" issue among girls.
Why Girls Act Out
Needless to say, one of the reasons girls engage in same-sex relationships is because they are sinners. We're all tempted. Some girls are just tempted by this particular issue. That being said, I think teen girls demonstrate lesbian behavior for several reasons:
1. The shock factor. Tattoos are common, even among youth ministers. Body piercing is boring. So what's left to shock those around you? Tales of what you did over the weekend with another girl. What better to shock your parents with than an announcement that you're gay? Or to shock your youth minister? Or your fellow classmates? You can gain notariety and fame overnight. Granted, it's not glory that most of us would ever want, but when you're desperate...
2. Media saturation. I'm not one to blame everything on the media, but when you see commercials for the latest movie and it includes a same-gender kiss, you know that things have gone horribly awry. From the famous kiss between Brittany and Madonna to same gender relationships on just about every prime-time show on television (including "reality" TV), it's no wonder than teen girls are adopting the understanding that what they are experiencing, questioning, and moving toward is absolutely normal. Average. Perfectly acceptable. Their favorite celebs are blatantly gay or label themselves "lipstick lesbians". If everyone else is exploring this area, why shouldn't you? If it's not taboo, why not try it out? What's the big deal? What's the appeal?
3. Lack of boundaries. Many girls (and guys) growing up in today's culture have no sense of what healthy boundaries look like—emotionally or physically. They do not understand the concept that some things are just inappropriate or why something is off-limits. Without any boundaries, anything goes.
4. Dysfunctional family relationships. Researchers continue to debate about the impact of a family of origin on a person's sexual identity and development. And such debate probably won't go away any time soon. The reality is that a lot of people who grow up in dysfunctional relationships with one or more parents turn to homosexuality. I'm not saying that there is a correlation. I'm not saying that it is inevitable. I'm just saying that there seems to be an awful lot of evidence to suggest that there are underlying dynamics that create an environment where exploring same-gender feelings becomes a desirable option.
5. Normal adolescent development. What do you do when everything in your world upside down overnight? How do you deal with intense feelings, even intensity toward those of the same gender? If you listen to today's culture, you need to label yourself as gay, come out of the closet, and explore those feelings to their natural end. But what many people fail to realize is that teen girls (and guys) are dealing with HUGE shifts in their neural, emotional, social, and physical development. Chemicals are running all over the place. Deep feelings and the need for friendship with those of the same gender are normal, but most girls just don't know how to deal with those feelings. They look around for an answer, and the only answer they see is the one offered by the gay community. No one has talked to them about healthy expressions of love and fidelity within same gender relationships.
6. Blurred gender lines. Metrosexual. Feminazi. Feminist. Macho. All gender labels that are strong and incite immediate emotional response. But what does it truly mean to be feminine? What does it mean to be masculine? Is there a difference between gender identity and gender roles? What is the church's response? The lines between genders has become increasingly blurred and the girls (and guys) growing up in this culture bear the brunt of this ambivalence. Unfortunately, the church hasn't helped much when it comes to helping girls understand what it means to be female.
In Part 2, I'll discuss how the church should respond. For now, I'd love to hear your feedback on how you have encountered and responded to this issue.
Hey Pam, saw your article from Facebook and read it. We both went to the same Baptist university, so we both got taught probably the same stuff: "being" gay is a choice, and it's a wrong one.
Since then, though, I've had a few questions about these teachings, and I offer this advice humbly, not trying to empty out the can of worms that you talked about above, but merely trying to offer my opinion based on my own research.
I'll agree that teens are too young sometimes to understand the difference between a close friendship and a physical attraction--but you and I both know that we have not all wanted to sleep with our close friends. Sexual expression doesn't happen because of proximity, any more than our taste in food is regulated by what's on the table. We are attracted to some people and not to others. But, yes, teen years are a place that people explore their feelings. But while I agree with you there, I think the church doesn't want teens to explore at all that one side---they would like it if every teen were completely straight and never thought about the other possibilities. We only dislike exploring when we want to control the exploration, yes?
My other thoughts here:
1. Coming out is so painful and so personal that few would choose to do it to gain "fame" or "notoriety". Certainly, they might play up a same-sex experimental kiss for a bit of shock, but not a coming out. It's not something you do over a weekend. While I have heard of kids in high school "acting out" it's probably no more dangerous than all the men I knew at church who dressed up as women for Halloween to make everyone laugh at church. But for those who really do identify as lesbian, it's a painful process, made more painful by a church's negative reaction, or the negative reaction of youth ministry staff. Gay and lesbian youth are 7 times more likely to commit suicide than straight youth. And most of those suicides happen to teens who are forced to choose between their faith and their sexual feelings, a choice straight kids don't have to make.
2. The media's newfound love of same-sex relationships is in part due to the hiding of them for so long. Cary Grant, Rock Hudson, Raymond Burr, Tab Hunter--famous actors who never came out publicly. The media for a long time banned or found offensive any same-gender expression on TV or in ads. But since finding that gay and lesbian people often spend more money, they've since catered to them. The ads aren't trying to make gay people--cause you can't make them--but it is trying to capitalize on their capital.
3. There is no scientific study that says that parents "cause" homosexuality because of their dysfunctionality. If so, all children would be equally affected. We know that's not the case. And every family is dysfunctional in its own way. I'm not sure what you mean by "the reality is..." since there's no facts to back it up. The facts tend to side right now with a genetic cause. People are born gay or lesbian.
4. Yep, gender is not so easy to define as only two things. Since 1% of the population is born as intersexed--meaning that they're born with either both male/female organs, or born in such a way that gender at birth is indeterminate--then we're not going to have easy to define ways that women and men act. Some women act less feminine--does that mean they're less woman? No. Some men are more artistic and sensitive. Less man? No. I would truly love to see a church "Define" masculinity and femininity and create a list of criteria that ALL church members had to fall under. I don't think a church could do it, and I don't think church members would subject themselves to a list of criteria that they had to follow. That a church would even think of subjecting their youngest, most vulnerable teens to such a list makes me cringe. Anything that's good for your teens, should be good for the rest of the congregation, right?
Pam, I know you and I know you care about teens. I hope when you write the next section that you consider carefully how families who have lesbian and gay children might react. They are looking for ways to understand their kids. I've seen too many kids distraught and suicidal when their parents reject them, or try to "love the gay out of them." If you've seen Prayers for Bobby, from the Lifetime Channel, a true story, you know how critical a parents' reaction to their teen's coming out can be.
THere's other information on the PFLAG website for Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays. I won't list it here because I don't want to be deleted because I spread a link around. But there are lots of resources--Christian resources--for those parents who are looking for a way to love their gay and lesbian children.
I am a Christian, as you know Pam, and so I would never support something I hadn't researched myself, and prayed years over. I've talked with a lot of people who are struggling to stay within the Church as it tries to navigate this issue. I'm hoping that the church will not keep excluding the families of gay and lesbian teens, or the teens themselves. It is not the gay community that is bad or immoral anymore than the straight community is: there are good christian communities within both spheres, and a way to reconcile your Faith with who God created you to be.
God bless you, Pam! Take care. Jerome
Thanks, Pam for being brave enough to draw attention to this important (and controversial to say the least) subject. I see this a lot in my work and ministry, and it is an issue that the "church" can no longer avoid. I believe that teen sexuality is in the center of Satan's scope. Just another attempt to pervert something God intended to be a gift...love and connectedness. We must have answer based on Truth when we encounter this in ministry to the "church" and the world. Our behavior is motivated by a desire to have our needs met...what are these young girls seeking? We must always point them to the cross and God's perfect soul-quenching love...how we go about that takes many shapes and forms. Like Jesus talking to the woman at the well or the woman being stoned, we must lead others to see Truth in a way that opens their hearts to grace and repentance. That can be tough, and quite honestly, impossible in our own strength and finite wisdom. But where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom!
Pam... thanks for all that you do and for challenging us to wrestle with these tough topics!
Thank you for writing on this subject. I have had many conversations with teenage girls on this topic. Some who have struggled with the temptation, some who have completely given in, and some who just aren't sure that they have biblical grounds to tell others that it is wrong. I feel that your article was responsibly and sensitively written. Unfortunately, even the most careful choice of words cannot detour those who are already emotionally charged about the issue. I too have attended a Bible believing seminary (S.B.T.S.) and can confidently say without a doubt that the church can, and must address gender roles as Scripture prescribes. The created order of male leadership and strength is only balanced by the female role of nurturer and partnership. We only need to read the creation account in Genesis, Titus 2, Paul's letters to the church, etc. to see that there are very explicit roles defined by Scripture that prescribe gender specific behavior. Certainly that does not mean that every girl must wear pink dresses and lip gloss every day, but we have arrived at a place where femininity is considered degrading to women and attractive in men! I do believe that Scripture teaches that a male persona should be one of strength and a godly woman should portray an air of humility and submissiveness, even as she leads.
We have dealt with this issue on so many levels that we have begun to be more intentional with our students. We have redefined rules about PDA to include no suggestive behavior between same gender friends. This behavior is not "funny" or "what friends do". It is intentionally suggestive. We also have begun working it onto our teaching. We are teaching on the four types of love in our guys and girls discipleship so we can address homosexuality as a misinterpretation of brotherly love that is marred by sin. We are also having a middle school retreat specifically focused on Biblical Manhood and Womanhood to address how God created men and women in perfect balance. Family is the goal, not self-centered gratification.
I too wish that I never had to counsel a young lady about homosexuality, but because I love teens and I love the truth, I must and I will. The church cannot temper the truth of God's creation just because of how "some people might take it". I do not see that pattern of cowardice in anything proclaimed in Scripture. Thank you for 'speaking the truth in love'.
Hey Pam,
An interesting article just came out in the New York Times today about middle schoolers coming out, and about a church in Tulsa providing them a safe place. It really explores some of the issues you're talking about here--what part is phase? how young is too young to know? those kinds of things. I thought you might like to read it.
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/09/27/magazine/27out-t.html?_r=1&pagewanted=all
Take care,
Jerome