Although I mostly associate fighting with boys, I’ve decided in the past week that girls are much more aggressive and probably meaner fighters that boys will ever be. Somehow, in the middle of the mundane, I’ve found myself smack dab in the middle of some cat fights. Well, not literally, but they are right there in the schools where my girls attend and among people I actually know.
The first fight was between two high school girls. I’m not sure of all that happened, but some hair extensions were left in the middle of the hallway as two girls went to the office. My thoughts: Girls- you are in high school, you are supposed to be maturing into young women. What are you thinking? The second one was a mom confronting her daughter’s friend in front of a group watching a high school game. My thoughts: Are you kidding me? The mom is supposed to be the adult here and the adults are supposed to set the example and the standard for the girls. The third was when the mom of the girl mentioned above confronted the mom who humiliated her daughter, once again in a very public setting for all to watch and hear. My thoughts: Will this week ever end? Where is the breakdown in learning to confront appropriately? How do girls learn to confront and avoid the cat fights? What are we doing in our Girls Ministries to help our girls learn the value of mature, biblical conflict resolution?
A few things to ponder…
One-on-one. Face-to-face. Matthew 18:15 and the following verses address the appropriate way to deal with conflict among “brothers” or fellow believers. Often cat fights are not among believers, but they can be. But Christ-followers or not, the Bible gives clear direction on how to deal with a conflict between two people. “Rebuke in private” is the first step. Matthew 5:23-24 also reminds us that others may have something against us. Again, Scripture is clear that we are to go to the person one-on-one to ask forgiveness, forgive, and be restored in our relationship with one another.
Girls’ ministry leaders, parents or other adults will not always be there to intervene. Everything does not need to go before Judge Judy or another mediator. If a girl comes to talk to you about a situation you do need share advice, but then it is our responsibility to encourage them to talk face-to-face to that person. Biblically that is the model to follow and many conflicts can be resolved one-on-one. A mediator is only brought in when one-on-one discussions between the two parties are not progressing on their own (Matt. 18:16-17).
Never minimize the power of an apology. Girls (and adults) need to recognize the power of an apology. Being able to confess our shortcomings, our mistakes, and our sin is a sign of a person with strength of character. Unresolved conflict, unconfessed sin, and unforgiveness of sins promotes sickness. Sometimes that sickness may be physical, but more often it is emotional and spiritual. It is that sick feeling deep in your soul that things are not right. There is a lack of peace that carries over into other relationships and life in general. Girls need to realize that their words have power. (Tell them to check out Proverbs 15 to get started or maybe James 3.)
Teach Conflict Resolution Skills. It is sad to admit, but many girls never hear about how to resolve conflict until they are right in the middle of the drama. Conflict resolution is not in the core curriculum in most schools. And just think about growing up with your own family-it wasn’t until you smacked your sister in the head or slammed your brother’s fingers in the car door that you stopped and realized that there might be consequences for your actions! Self-discipline, controlling one’s temper, controlling one’s tongue, actions and attitudes takes a lot of work. It is not going to come naturally. And it is not going to be a learned behavior that we never struggle with again. Listening, talking through a conflict or frustrations, controlling one’s anger and actions are going to be skills that need honing throughout life.
I’ve heard that guys fight, argue, disagree and then work it out and move on. Girls are another story. Sometimes cat fights that were left unresolved in the elementary, middle or high school years carry over into adulthood. I guess it is time to ponder teaching conflict resolution to adults….
How is it going in your girls’ ministry? Am I the only one looking around and seeing conflict after conflict? Drama after drama? And how do you model appropriate conflict resolution without getting in the middle of a conflict?
Great insight Michelle. I just wrote about the next level of fighting on my blog---the silent fight known as UNFRIENDING via Facebook.
I just spoke about Forgiveness and Unity to a group of girls on Wednesday. Used a section out of Melissa T and Sissy Goff's book "The backdoor to your teenager's heart". They have a fabulous story about a classified Melissa saw years ago about a missing cat. It read: Missing--Black Cat. Answers to the name of Tom. He's ugly, but I love him. We talked about the fact that if we are honest, sometimes we can identify with that cat. We're messy...we're each sinful but God loves each of us. We talked about the fact that there comes a time where we have to forgive each other's Messiness and move towards a Proverbs 17:17 approach: A friend loves at all times. The girls really resonated with that story.
Hey Amy-Jo! Love your stuff and love Sissy and Melissa's as well! Yes! "The Backdoor to your Teenager's Heart" is great book with incredible insights and illustrations! I'm reading their stuff and yours on blog and anything I can get my hands on to help me with two teenage girls in the house! Read a story out of Texas newspaper about the amount of fighting going on among girls in school...and then have watched adult women in the past couple of years (some I know, some I don't) verbally or physically out of control. Wondering if things are escalating or what are the triggers. All I know is...if I don't help my own daughters and their friends in our girls ministry...help those girls that we come into contact and relationship through school activities and sports...they are going to carry this frustration, anger, and lack of self-control into adulthood. And I don't want to blame it on hormones-for the girls or grown women-God's strength and power is more powerful than female hormones!