I’m enjoying some time away from my typical weekly activities. It’s refreshing to open the old planner and see the craziness of the first 25 days of December eclipsed by the calm of the week before the new year starts. I’m thankful for this time to regroup. To read for pleasure. To eat and bake and shop and undecorate. I also need some time to lick my wounds.

You see, for the first time, I’ve been hurt by some of the young women I teach at church. Sure, I’ve been frustrated with them in the past, concerned about them once they got their driver’s licenses, and proud of them at many points all along the way. But several weeks ago, things were said during a Wednesday night meeting that made me seriously doubt my abilities to reach these girls. (Can you say “spiritual warfare”?) I realized that all the time I’d spent trying to instill Scripture, wisdom, and good decision-making skills in these girls wasn’t working, and some of them were making seriously bad decisions.

I thought about quitting. I thought about plotting a good verbal assault on some of the offenders. But I decided that it wouldn’t do any good because no matter what these girls get into, I want them to experience the love of Christ through me. Not that the love of Christ is non-confrontational. It’s just that I had no leaders offer me unconditional love when I was in high school because I didn’t really connect with any of my leaders. There wasn’t time to. It was a constant parade of adults who changed every year because they were too busy to really invest in high school students. I don’t want to be that way. I want these girls to know that I’ll still be around and available, even when they push me away.
 

You see, I’ve been there. The girl so tangled up in her own emotions that she doesn’t want to let anyone else in. So she tries to push everyone away to see who tries to hold on to her. It’s a test. And it’s one I’m determined to pass. In 2010, I’m hoping to love some girls right back to where they should be. This might get ugly. I’ll keep you posted.

Do you have a similar experience? I’d love to hear your tactics! And if you’re right there with me in the thick of reaching out to some rebellious girls, I’d love to know how to pray for you. You can e-mail me at emily [dot] cole [at] lifeway [dot] com.

Happy New Year, everyone!

One of the most frustrating things for me as a leader of girls is the sense of entitlement. Girls in fifth grade with iPhones (seriously, now, why does a 5th grader need an iPhone) for example. And I know from talking with girls' leaders everywhere that I am not alone in my frustration. Yes, girls need to understand that they are valuable because they are the daughter of the King of Kings. But somewhere along the way, we as adults have cultivated in this generation the sense that being royalty means being pampered.

I'm excited to announce that we are working on a resource to tackle this issue: Real Princess: Being a Servant in an All-About-Me World. It's written by Erin Davis, as seasoned writer who passionately loves Jesus and teen girls. Here's just a short sample of what the book will talk about:

The tables are set with white linen and fine china. Seated at each table are groups of girls whispering excitedly as they nibble tiny sandwiches and yummy desserts. Some girls are sipping hot tea from fine china teacups. Everyone in the room is wearing a tiara. Adults circle the room giving out kind words of affirmation. One message is repeated over and over throughout the evening: “You are a princess.”

The scene I’m describing wasn’t ripped from the pages of a high society magazine. This isn’t a royal banquet taking place inside a castle (although it was designed to feel like it). In fact, this scene can be found most often in church youth rooms and fellowship halls. The girls made to feel like princesses are you.

In case you haven’t noticed, there’s been a movement afoot to convince young women like you that you’re all princesses. Pure princess retreats and daughter of the king banquets are planned at churches just like yours in an attempt to show you your value by pointing out that you are the daughter of the King.

But where exactly does this idea that we are princesses come from? What exactly does it mean to be a daughter of the king? ...

I’d like you to begin to shift your focus from seeing yourself as a princess to seeing yourself as the daughter of the king. That may seem like a silly distinction, but trust me, there’s a huge difference between acting like a princess and being the daughter of a king (especially the King of Kings)...

Hollywood may lead us to believe that princesses can do whatever they’d like. But this simply isn’t the case. Being a princess comes with responsibility. You aren’t just called to act like princesses. You are called to honor the king.

Ready to read more? You'll have to wait until Summer 2010!

Last week, surfers gathered for an unusal event—the Eddie Aikau competition. Held in Hawaii, this contest is only staged in extreme surf conditions. The las time it was held? 2004. It's only been held eight times in 25 years.

One of the surfers made this comment: "It really is about the wave and celebrating the ocean. It's what we do: go out there and ride big waves." Can I translate? These surfers wanted to live large. They wanted to touch something greater than themselves.

That statement made me think: What do we offer girls that allows them to celebrate the magnitude of God. What do we do that really changes them to "go out there" and ride the big waves? To live large lives that trust God to do big things with them?

Or, are we content to for them to merely exist?

“The biggest human temptation is to settle for too little.”—Thomas Merton

We're in the process of editing and designing our first Bible study for 2010: Table for Two: Doing Life and Savoring Scripture Together.

If you're looking for a resource to mentor girls, this is for you. If you're looking for a resource that will give girls a basic tool for studying the Bible themselves, this is for you, too.

The book is written by Mona Corwin and Amy Pierson (girls' minister at Prestonwood Baptist in Plano, TX), two women who have not only mentored each other, but who have also mentored dozens of girls and women.

Below is an excerpt from the study:

God hears our cry; His Word alone contains the answers. John 17:17 proclaims this promise: “Sanctify them by the truth, your word is truth.” God’s Word will satisfy our cry for connection through the knitting of our hearts together as we engage in His Word. God’s Word will satisfy the need for intimacy in our relationship with Him. The answer to every cry of our mind, heart, and soul is found in God’s Word.

We recognized this hunger for God’s voice and His Word, and we heard the cry of women longing for deep connection. So, we set out to create a Bible study tool that would give ladies of all ages the confidence to be able to discover Truth and hear from Him in His precious Word, the Bible. We also wanted to create an environment for a sister connection, of any age combination, where mutual mentoring could flourish. It had to be easy to remember, and just like our own sister-connection, it had to be fun. And Table for Two was born.

Can't wait to see it on the bookshelves in April 2010!

If you think the Girls' Ministry Forum in February is just for you as a leader, then think again. One of the best aspects of this unique weekend is what it offers for high school girls. Here are three reasons your teen girls need to come to the forum:

1. Leadership training: Teen girls need skills in Christian leadership. This conference will help girls develop skills in leading Bible study, mentoring a younger girl, deconstructing media, developing healthy friendships, and identifying and using their spiritual gifts.

2. Connection: Girls coming to this event will recognize that being a godly Christian girl is possible. They will see other girls their age who are also pursuing Christ with a passion. They'll leave the event feeling like they have a lot in common with girls from across the U.S.

3. Worship: There's nothing like an all-girl choir. And there's nothing like the freedom of expression when women (young and old) get together for worship. Girls will be able to express themselves in a relaxed manner without wondering what "that guy" is thinking.

These are just a few reasons. Check out the information about the forum to find out more! See you there!

If you have a girl who has gone crazy over Edward or head over heels for Jacob, then consider getting this book: Escaping the Vampire: Desperate for the Immortal Hero. Here's and excerpt from their Facebook site:

"What do vampire-romance lit and the Bible have in common? Plenty. Escaping the Vampire offers your teen girl a real immortal hero who can truly fulfill her hearts deepest desire: Christ."

Playing on many themes running through the popular Twlight series, this book talks about our desperate need for forgiveness, to be rescued by love, to be brave and beautiful, and to find our place in the story. It's a book that tells us three things:

1. First, every girl longs to be loved with a vast and endless passion.
2. Second, there is a fiercely protective Immortal Hero who longs for your heart.  
3. And third, He loves you with an unconditional and irrevocable love.

You can even check out a You Tube video that promotes it.

So, if you need that last minute gift, or if you want to help bring some balance to that teen girl whose gone over the edge in the Twilight movement, this might be a good book.

The facebook status read, "not the way I thought it would end." I knew immediately that one of the girls in my small group was disappointed and experiencing an unexpected break up right before the holidays. When we talked about it, I thought it was really funny when she said, "Well, at least I didn't already get him a Christmas present." Ah, high school relationships....

However, as I continued to research holiday break ups I found it interesting that right before Christmas is a huge relational "to break up or stay together," decision-making time. If you don't break up before Christmas, then you have to deal with New Year's Eve. If you stay together for Christmas and New Year's, then there is a small window of time before Valentine's Day. And this information was not only related to high school relationships, but also young adults and even those considering divorce.

But back to girls' ministry. I've thought about this girl in my small group and what is the best advice. What are the positives about this break up before the holidays? Or what are the positives about a break up any time of the year?

Here are some positive arguments for breaking up:

1. Chances are a high school relationship is not going to last. (Sorry to break it to you sister.) There are lots of guys out there. Most of all, you want to find a Christian guy who believes and values the same things you do.

2. God is still working in your life and growing you into all that He wants you to be. He is also working on the guys. Wait until God has you both ready for a serious relationship. Remind girls that God created them. He has great plans and purpose for their life (Eph. 2:10; Jer. 29:11).

3. Frankly, no one is ready for the commitment of a serious relationship in high school. A serious relationship and then a difficult break up is, in a strange way, preparing you for divorce. You may even experience many of the same emotions and feelings. Proverbs 4:23 says, "Guard your heart above all else, for it is the source of life." Guard and protect your heart and avoid multiple relationships that break your heart.

4. High school is a great time to meet lots of people and look for the things you like and dislike about others. That doesn't mean you have to date or go out with everyone. Look for the characteristics and qualities that you think would be the most important in a serious relationship. Look at the lasting qualities that will be there in that person after common interests and activities change.

There are so many positives about not dating or getting involved in a serious relationship in high school. I only brought up a few in my conversation with my friend. What suggestions would you give? How would you affirm a girl in your ministry in the middle of her holiday break up?

I would love to have more advice on this one, because Christmas and other holidays can be tough on a girl's heart. And I don't think this is going to be the last holiday break up that I walk one of my girls through. Break ups hurt and sometimes they don't make sense. And in high school they can be devastating.

One thing I did learn in my conversation. When all else fails, I can keep reminding her that she doesn't have to get him a gift!

If you're like me, Christmas is a mixed bag. The joy and anticipation of the holiday is on the forefront of your mind and heart, but underneath, like a splinter that irritates you constantly, is the nagging question: will this Christmas be all that I want it to be? Spiritually, I know Christmas is all about the Babe in a feeding trough, God who moved into our neighborhood (John 1: 14, The Message). But somewhere in my brain, that doesn't always translate into an abiding peace in the middle of Advent. So how can I enjoy Christmas more? Here's the one key I've found:

Don't expect perfection.

Sometimes, I feel like Clark Griswald in my desire to set up the perfect Christmas for my family and friends. (Yes, I referenced Christmas Vacation...) But the truth of the matter is that we live in a fallen world. Perfection is impossible this side of heaven.

The store won't have the size you want.

The turkey will burn.

Family members will disappoint you.

You will receive random, unwanted, tacky Christmas presents from well-meaning people who really don't have a grasp of you or your personal style.

You will get distracted from worship and look around to see who's wearing a Christmas sweater.

My goal this Christmas isn't perfection. It's finding God and the mystery of the incarnation in the ordinary. My daughter's questions about God. The beauty of lights set against the nightime sky, reminding me of the ultimate Light that has permanently pierced the darkness. Appreciating and loving my family members for who they are, not what I want them to be.

My goal isn't the perfect holiday, but a holiday in which I saw the sacred in the Santa Claus, the Miracle amidst the madness.

 

When I was growing up, I had this awesome teal and white bike. It had a cute little puppy on it, and white handle bars with streamers. It even had white tires, although you wouldn’t have known that from just looking at it, because I rode it over lots of dirt since we lived in a developing neighborhood. I loved that bike because I learned to ride without training wheels on it. But the Christmas I was 6, I was outgrowing it.

At that time, there was a family in our church who had a little girl. Her parents were going through a very hard time, and everyone knew that Christmas wouldn’t be very happy for them. They didn’t have much money, so some families in the church got together and decided to help them. The girl was younger than I was, and my nearly-too-small bike would soon be just her size.

I could see where the conversation was going when my Dad asked me how I’d feel about giving my bike to the little girl. I wish I could say that I was a cheerful giver, but at that point, I put up a screaming fight for my bike. I don’t really remember all the details, but ultimately, the little girl got my bike, and I wasn’t too happy about it. (I'm sure my parents had envisioned the delivery of all the gifts to be a life-changing experience for me, but as it was, I recall crying in the car all the way home. I had a lot to learn about cheerful giving . . . but in my defense, the little girl wasn't even there to receive the bike, and her dad was rather gruff about it all.)

When I woke up on Christmas morning and saw a new bike parked next to the tree that was purple, pink, and white and a little big so I’d grow into it, I still wanted my old bike back. I couldn’t even get excited about the new one because I was a little concerned about how my beloved old bike was being treated by the poor little girl across town.

I’ve forgotten about the teal-and-white puppy bike since then, but I feel like I’ve torn the scab off an old wound by revisiting this story. My dad knew a new bike would be waiting for me on Christmas morning. He could have ruined the surprise and said, “Emily, I’m getting you a new bike; would you mind if we give your old one to someone who could really use it?” And I probably would have been so keyed in on the idea of a new bike that I wouldn’t have cared what they’d done with the old one. But he wanted to give me the choice of sharing with those in need, to let me in on the pleasure of giving with nothing expected in return. And I missed out that time.

I think God gives us similar options sometimes. He has something even better in store, but leaves it up to us to get rid of the old thing first. I don’t know about you, but I tend to cling to the old because it’s familiar. I know how it works, even though parts of it may be broken. (I’m not talking just about bikes any more. Relationships, appliances, clothes . . . I guess you could say I’m not big on change.) And then God sometimes tears things out of my hands (or allows them to be taken from me), and I’m left with the odd feeling that this would have been a whole lot easier had I done it His way. Why is it so hard to part with things that we think are ours?

The year 2009 is drawing to a close. Is there anything God is calling you to lay down? To pass on? To unload? If so, do it. Let it go. Don’t grip it tighter, worry over what will happen to it, or rehash the good ol’ days relentlessly.

In life and in ministry, when you’re asked to give something up, don’t cling to it or worry about how the next “owner” is taking care of it. It’s his or hers now, and that’s between him or her and God. Be faithful with what God’s given you—no matter what He wants you to do with it.

Everyone loves a good Christmas tradition. As much as we love the unexpected surprises, there is something about knowing “this is what we do” and “this is how we celebrate.”  Some families put their Christmas decorations up the weekend after Thanksgiving. Others bake special recipes only at Christmas. And still other families take part in a specific ministry on Christmas Eve. Christmas traditions may include foods, music, activities, worship and a multitude of other things that remind one of the holiday season. 

It is no different in girls’ ministry. It is fun to know when you reach eighth grade you get to go on the "eighth grade girls retreat." Or when you finally arrive as a high school senior you get the option of going on an international mission trip.  And although we may have some of these programmed “traditions” throughout the years, do we have any specific Christmas traditions that the girls come to love and anticipate each December? 
 

If you haven’t started your own Christmas traditions with your girls’ ministry, here are a few suggestions:  
 

1. Adopt a child or family by Sunday school classes or small groups. All the girls pitch in five to ten dollars and then go shopping together. After shopping, spending time wrapping the gifts and writing personal notes to the child or family. If possible even deliver the gifts as Christmas approaches.
2. Go Christmas caroling together. It is an old standard, but always a good one that helps the girls and those in the neighborhood or nursing home enjoy the Christmas spirit.
3. A favorite among our girls is the tacky Christmas sweater night. Everyone calls her grandmother or digs through the racks at resale shops to find an obnoxious Christmas sweater or sweatshirt. We wear them to Bible study and then after study time have a fabulous time eating cookies and drinking milk.
4. Writing and signing Christmas cards for the homebound, wounded soldiers or those serving in the armed forces. This is a great way to help girls remember those who may be having a difficult or lonely holiday away from family or friends.
5. Baking cookies and doing a cookie exchange. The girls can keep the cookies to share with their family or as a group you might want to take the cookies and share them with your local community firemen or police station.

Honestly, there is not anything too original here. However, the point is to find something the girls enjoy and anticipate; and then create a tradition that, like a family heirloom, is passed down from year to year.  

So, what are your creative ideas? What are some Christmas traditions (or other traditions) that build unity and cohesiveness among the girls? What are some ministries to people that depend upon your dedication and faithfulness? What would be a Christmas tradition worth starting in your girls’ ministry? And I'm not suggesting the "Tacky Christmas Sweaters" Bible study or party...I'm just saying it is a hit!

Christmas is always such a weird time for me. In the midst of the joys of this season, I sense a darker, sadder side. Grief.

To make a long story very short, over the last seven years, I've lost my sister, my mom, and my father-in-law, not to mention other extended family. So while I always look forward to this time of year, that sense of excitement is often mingled with an ache in my soul.

You may be like me in this loss. Or perhaps some of the girls in your church are facing similar struggles. How do you deal with loss at Christmas time? I'm no expert (and certainly no professional counselor), but here are three ways that I've found to come to terms with what's simmering in my heart.

1. Acknowledge and accept what you're feeling, whatever that is. One minute I'm happy. The next minute I see a commercial and I'm sad. That's OK. You (or your girls) may feel like it's somehow not OK to feel both happiness and sadness at Christmastime. You may be thinking, "But I'm supposed to be happy this time of year." Or you may have even thought, "If I'm happy even though ______ is not here, then I'm forgetting her (or him)." Here's a really freeing thought: There are no rules when it comes to grieving. Just feel what you feel when you feel it and wait for the emotion to pass. It will—eventually.

2. Find a way to acknowledge the person. My husband and I make donations in memory of our family members. For my mom, it's a donation to the American Lung Association (she died of lung cancer). We have a special ornament that honors his dad. For you or your girls, it may be as simple as lighting a candle. Or placing special flowers on a grave. If you want to help your girls, offer to take them to the cemetery.

3. Carry on a tradition. My mom used to make cookies and chocolate-covered pretzels for her neighbors every year. And every year, I helped her (and made the deliveries). So now, every year I make cookies for the neighbors and some special friends. It gives me the chance to look back on a good memory and remember the values of kindness and generosity that my mom instilled in me when I wasn't looking. And it gives me a chance to bond with my daughter as we carry on the tradition together.

How do you deal with loss at Christmastime?

In general, girls are ego-centric. It's all about them. And that attitude is no more prevalent than this time of year. So how can you get girls to stop thinking about them themselves and start thinking about others? Try these ideas:

1. Fill stockings for group homes. This suggestion is found in the Girls' Ministry Idea Book. Here's what it says: "We purchased $1 stockings and put each of their [girls in the group home] names in the stocking in glitter. Then we filled the stockings with items such as candy, make-up, pens, pencils, etc. We also included a Christmas card and all signed our names."

2. Throw a baby shower for a pregnant teen. This may not seem like a "Christmas" idea, but it really is. Who else would understand what it's like to be an unwed pregnant teen than Mary, the mother of Jesus. You could use this outreach idea to give girls a different glimpse of the story within the Christmas story.

3. Bake cookies. Deliver them to fire stations, police stations, hospitals, and other places where people work over Christmas. You might even want to deliver the goodies on Christmas Eve, a time when many people are focused on their own families and forget about those who must work.

4. Offer a Parents Night Out. Many youth groups do this as a fund-rasier, but not many do it for free! Advertize it to the church as a way for the girls to give back to those who have been so supportive all year long.

5. Hand out free hot chocolate at a Christmas parade or other public gathering over the holidays. You might even be able to put a slip of paper on the outside of the cup. The paper could say something simple like, "Given by _________ Church because we care" or something similar.

What does your girls' ministry do to serve others during the Christmas season?

I hope you have seen Sandra Bullock’s new movie, The Blind Side. If not, you should make plans to see it soon. It’s a great film; a feel-good flick that does more to your heart than just make you want to skip on over to the projects and pick out the largest kid there, adopt him, develop his athletic abilities, and make sure he goes to your alma mater.
 

Seriously, the movie is a very real picture of what it looks like to be Christ to the down and out. The Tuohy’s decision to take Michael Oher into their home and the difficulty of that move makes you realize that compassion isn’t always easy. But I think everyone whose life was involved with Michael’s was deeply touched and changed. (Even Sandra Bullock turned down the role three times until she met the Tuohys. She said she took the role because she’d finally met Christians who walked the walk as a family.)  And hopefully, those who see the movie will be inspired as well.

While the Beatitudes say that the meek will inherit the earth, I think we all know that sometimes compassion requires guts. I love how Leigh Anne Tuohy didn’t let her fear of the bad part of town keep her from going to Michael’s home or taking him shopping. She also wasn’t afraid of finding Michael’s drug-addicted mother or sitting on that nasty couch in the projects in her pristine white pants. She reached out to others, physically touching them and meeting the needs of those who couldn’t meet their own, which sounds a lot like something Jesus would do.

Leigh Anne is a spunky Southern girl. I love that about her. (She’s got some zingers in this movie that made me laugh out loud. And I didn’t cry nearly as much as I thought I would.) But more than that, she (and her family) makes me want to make a difference in someone else’s life by loving and accepting them, by giving to them and expecting nothing in return. The course of Michael’s life was radically altered thanks to the Tuohys. I guess we all have that opportunity. The question is, are we willing to get uncomfortable in order to take it? I’m speaking to myself when I say, “Stop worrying about what other people will think. Stop worrying about someone taking advantage of you. Give all you’ve got and love with all you have.”

While we may not be able to love someone into the NFL, we can love the girls in our ministries. I’m currently walking through some tough issues with the girls in my small group, and I feel like I’m being attacked. I hope that my actions and words consistently point them to Christ. Yes, it’s uncomfortable and hard, and my flesh wants to respond in ways that aren’t very loving. But seeing The Blind Side reminded me that there is hope for everyone, and that the choice is mine as to how I respond when I see a need.

Read more about the film here.
 

During the Thanksgiving holidays I had the rare opportunity to go to dinner with our middle school minister and his wife. Although I see them weekly, they usually have hoards of students surrounding them (mine included) and conversations jump from Bible study and student activities related to church to ball games and other random topics.

I’m not sure if it was the Thanksgiving season or something I ate, but at one point during our dinner I sensed this emotion somewhere between “I love you so much” and “How could we raise our daughters without the two of you?!” Without becoming too sappy I tried to express my appreciation for the influence this precious couple have had and are still having upon our daughters. I really wanted our middle school minister to hear more than I could express through words what a great girls’ minister he is. I wanted to thank him for caring for our girls and all the other girls who find themselves in our middle school ministry during those rough sixth, seventh, and eighth grade years.

As we talked throughout dinner my mind and our conversation turned to the importance of male student ministers and their influence on girls and girls’ ministry. Sometimes it would be easier to separate the girls and guys during those middle school years…guys with the male leaders, girls with the females. But I guess that would just be putting off the inevitable.

Middle school is a critical time for girls when many of their perceptions are formed related to guys, friendships, dating, and relationships in general. The girls are becoming young women and need significant male role models setting the example and standards for those guy/girl relationships.

So, what makes a male student minister a great girls’ minister? Here are a few things I came up with:

1. Girls need godly men in their lives. There are a lot of girls who don’t have a Christian father, grandfather, brother, uncle, teacher, or neighbor setting the standard of what it means to be a man obediently following Christ. Girls need to see men who are faithfully living out the character of Jesus.
2. Girls need to hear a male perspective. Many times males and females will give the same response and have much in common. Other times we think differently. We act and respond differently. Sometimes getting the male perspective helps take some of the drama out of the situation!
3. Girls need to know that their student minister cares about every student, not just the guys. Student ministers need to set boundaries with the girls in their group, (avoiding the appearance of evil, inappropriateness and all that), but they also have an opportunity to let girls know they are valued and important to Christ and His church. There are situations where girls need to be ministered to and mentored by women. But there are many circumstances where girls just need to know there is a man who cares and wants the best for her life.

What do you think? How do you see the male leadership in your church ministering to girls? How can we help male student ministers see the importance of girls’ ministry and be part of it?