My sister would have turned 46 years old this year. She died on this day eight years ago, a young woman tormented by labels and haunted the lies she believed about herself. In today's ministry terminology, she would have been called a "fringe kid". I know she felt that way. The middle child who never quite found her place in the world, she attended church infrequently as a teen and young adult, but she just couldn't find a place that would accept a black sheep.
Reflecting on her life and death recently reminded me of several truths about involving those fringe kids, those who stand around the edges of our ministries, heads bowed low in insecurity or fists held high in defiance. My sister was both at one time or another. And I think if she could talk about reaching her, I think she'd say these things:
1. The masks are thick, the walls are high, and the fear is deep. If you genuinely want to reach a girl on the outside, don't take the mask as reality, keep chipping away at the wall with consistent love and concern, and make your church, home, and/or office a safe place. You aren't going to reach a girl like her with one phone call, a text message, or a postcard in the mail. Reaching this kind of girl requires serious commitment and a thick skin.
2. A fringe kid doesn't need your condemnation. She's already heaped enough on herself for both of you. Judgmental comments about her hairstyle, behaviors (smoking, drinking), or choices will do nothing more than add another brick to her wall and layer to her mask. She knows what she is doing is wrong. She just wants to know if you will genuinely love her when she's at her very worst.
3. A fringe kid wants a place to belong, a place where she can succeed at something. She wants to find a skill, a talent, something, anything to help her feel like she is not the sum total of her mistakes. It may be poetry. It may be art. It may be loving on little kids. It may be playing in a garage band. So when she tells you about any of those things, LISTEN. She is trying to find validation. Find places where she can use her giftedness. Celebrate the good she does.
4. Ministry to a fringe kid is a rollercoaster. Three steps forward, two steps back. Good choices, bad choices. Walls up, walls down. Triumph and miserable failure. And she desperately wants to believe that you'll be there through the thick of it.
I learned most of these truths the hard way as I struggled to do life with her. I hope sharing them with you will honor her memory in some way.
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