What she isn't saying

It was really one of the dumbest arguments ever. My daughter misplaced a key and it was one of those "straws that broke the camel's back" moments when everything seemed to hinge on that key. Not really, but I sure acted like it did. Not one of my best parenting moments.

Over the course of several hours we discussed the importance of being responsible and all the "horrible" things that could happen if that key got into the wrong hands. Maybe it is because we've been harping on her at home about being responsible...maybe it is because she didn't tell me the key was lost for a few days after losing it because she forgot...maybe it is knowing she will be driving in less than six months and I don't want to deal with lost keys on a weekly basis...maybe it is because my parents nagged me about being responsible--but in the end, what are the chances that the "oh so important key" will get in the wrong hands? One in a billion?

Without hesitation she did the responsible thing letting the right people know the key was lost and doing what had to be done for a replacement. And in the end she wrote me a two-page note that just about broke my heart.

The whole time I was frustrated about a lost key and what appeared to be her lack of responsibility and concern, she was more worried that I would stay mad at her. She knew I was leaving the next day for a trip and did not want me to leave with our relationship in a broken state.

In the note she talked about our friend who died suddenly of a heart attack, our cousin who recently died of a brain tumor, and how she's realized that anything could happen at anytime. She's watched several friends and family members over the past year now living without their mom or dad. The reality of mortality has hit as she watches these middle school and high school friends live after the loss of a parent.

We don't talk about these losses all the time, so I never dreamed these were the thoughts she had as I left each time over the last year for a trip. In the end of the note she apologized for the lost key, the way she responded, and told me to ground her or do whatever I thought was right, but "please do not be angry or upset with me."

And that is when I thought my heart would break. Without really saying it, I realized that still more than anything she did want our relationship to be healthy and strong. In the midst of her high school attitudes and drawing away from us as she gains independence, she still wanted to be connected and at peace with us.

There are lots of things that girls are not saying. I don't know if they just expect us to know what they are thinking or don't always know how to voice their thoughts. Whatever the reason, as parents, as student workers, as girls' ministry leaders, we need to lean in to listen, to hear, to understand what is said and what is not being said.

Obviously, I am still learning. And, as always, I can use all the help I can get!

How have you seen or experienced or learned to read between the lines with the girls in your home or ministry? How do you draw out the things girls are thinking but not saying?