Hello there, fearless leaders! I’m back again this week with some more info gleaned from focus groups my team and I conducted with 59 students from all over the country at a FUGE camp in Mississippi a few weeks ago.


Time with God
If you’ve ever wondered how much time your girls are spending with God each day, here’s what we found:

MIDDLE SCHOOL:
1-15 minutes (30 students chose this)
16-30 minutes (6 students chose this)
30 minutes or more (4 students chose this)
No time (1 student chose this)

HIGH SCHOOL:
1-15 minutes (15 students chose this)
16-30 minutes (5 students chose this)
30 minutes or more (1 student chose this)
No time (no students chose this)


It seems that the majority of our sample spends between 1 and 15 minutes with God.

What they read:
In case you haven’t noticed, most students today are not big readers. (It hurts my heart to even type that! I love books.) So when we asked them what they’ve read in the last three months, these were the responses we received:

MIDDLE SCHOOL:
None (listed by 7 respondents)
The Last Song (7)
The Bible (6)
Twilight series (6)
Dear John (3)
Someone Like You (Sarah Desson books) (2)
A Walk to Remember (2)


HIGH SCHOOL:
None (listed by 3 respondents)
City of Bones (2)
Crazy Love (2)
Sarah Dessen books (2)


How they feel about themselves:

When we asked students what their thoughts about themselves are, here’s how they responded:

MIDDLE SCHOOL:
wildly enthusiastic (4 students selected this option)   
mostly positive (20 students)
neutral (10 students)       
mostly negative (3 students)   
pretty scary (0 students)   

HIGH SCHOOL:
wildly enthusiastic (2 students selected this option)
mostly positive (10 students)
neutral (7 students)
mostly negative (3 students)
pretty scary (0 students)

Here’s what some of the girls said about how they feel about themselves:
“I know who I am and am happy for the most part.”
“I can be in a good or bad mood sometimes, I’m not always one thing.”
“I have my flaws but people think of me as pretty smart, popular and good so it makes me more confident about myself.”
“I used to be very self conscious but I’m getting a lot better.”
“I like just about everything about me but I have a few things I would change.”


Check back next Thursday when I'll post even more information on their thoughts on their youth groups, families, and the pressures they face at school.


 

When my daughters were preschoolers, I remember those first stages of gaining independence as they learned to crawl, and then later walk and talk. Those early years stretched me as I tried to encourage their independence and keep them safe at the same time.

Time has moved forward and with it the natural development of helping my daughters become independent. One area that we’ve really had to work on is communication. There is something that happens along the way from childhood to adulthood and suddenly talking to adults seems difficult or intimidating for many students. And especially when they are wanting to talk about certain topics...difficult and sensitive topics.

Here are some things we’ve been working on that might be helpful to other parents in your girls’ ministry or for the girls as they approach their parents and engage them in conversation.

Talk about everyday stuff…every day. When we talk about the everyday stuff it just seems easier when it is time to talk about the more difficult stuff. And face it, the more you do anything, the easier it gets. I never dreamed my girls or any girls would have a difficult time talking or voicing their opinions and concerns!

Be clear, direct and honest. Tell your parents what you think, feel, and want. Give details that help adults understand the situation. If you are always honest, adults believe what you say. However, if girls hide the truth, tell only parts of the story, or add too much drama, parents have a harder time believing what they are being told. Once trust is broken, it is sometimes difficult to earn back.

Look at all sides and points of view. If there is a disagreement or you can’t come to a compromise on say curfew, really look at all sides of the argument. It helps when parents hear their kids say that they can see the situation from the adult perspective and why the parent is taking the stand or viewpoint on the issue.

Try not to whine and argue it really is irritating! Anyone is more likely to listen when girls are respectful and calm in their communication with parents or adults. And the adults will be more likely to react in the same tone. For girls, if their emotions are on the surface, they only seem to become more heated in the confrontation. Everyone involved in the conversation will benefit from waiting for the right time and place to discuss issues that really matter to you.

Girls need to know that parents (and other adults) won’t always see things their way. The answer is not always yes even when you ask nicely. It is hard to take no for an answer. However, when girls learn to gracefully accept a no it demonstrates maturity. Parents will see that maturity and will likely associate it with other adult attributes such as responsibility, trustworthiness, and integrity. And in the end girls with those adult attributes seem to get more yeses to their requests.

What are you doing in your girls’ ministry to teach communication skills? What advice do you give encouraging your girls to communication and talk with their parents?

Be on the lookout for this girl.

She's in every girls' ministry and every youth group and every church.

She is not popular. She doesn't have many friends. Her parents don't attend your church. Her social skills are nil. She stands off to the side when others are clumped in groups. She has nothing in common with her peers because her life is a tragedy in the making. A train wreck in slow motion. She feels awkward around herself, and well, to be honest, you feel awkward when you're around her, too.

I can still remember her from the last church I served at as youth minister. Her dad was abusive to the whole family. She wore clothes two sizes two big and never wore makeup. Nobody ever taught her how. She arrived to every church activity at least fifteen minutes early. She acted like a little puppy, starving for attention and always under foot. And she got on my last nerve. My lack of interest did not deter her from talking non-stop.

I don't even remember her name, but her memory still haunts me because of the way I treated her. I avoided conversation. I didn't spend as much time in her home as I did in the other girls' homes because I didn't want her to get too attached and be in my face every time I turned around.

Mostly, though, I didn't pay attention to her because she reminded me too much of myself when I was her age. Oh, the details played out differently, but at the core we were the same girl: alone, scared, unsure of herself, desperately seeking love and attention, wanting to know she mattered to someone, anyone.

And if you're honest, that same girl is in your group. The details may differ, but at the core, there is one girl who reminds you too much of your own wounds, your own hurts, your own scars. She is a mirror reflection of your own heart now or your heart when you were at your most tender condition.

Be on the lookout for the girl who is just like you, because that is the girl you're likely to push away.

So what are your girls up to this summer? Chances are, they’ve watched some of the following movies:

Top Ten Movies:
1. Despicable Me, $60.1 mil
2. The Twilight Saga: Eclipse, $33.4 mil
3. Predators, $25.3 mil
4. Toy Story 3, $22 mil
5. The Last Airbender, $17.2 mil
6. Grown Ups, $16.4 mil
7. Knight and Day, $7.9 mil
8. The Karate Kid, $5.7 mil
9. The A-Team, $1.8 mil
10. Cyrus, $1.4 mil

I saw Knight and Day a few weeks ago. Eh . . . The language is terrible, it’s violent (although not disgustingly so), and I wouldn’t recommend that a teenager watch it. (Although I did laugh out loud during a segment in which Cameron Diaz’s character is injected with truth serum.) But in terms of movies I can recommend, some awesome senior girls in my LifeGroup saw Despicable Me and really liked it.

In other news . . .
The team I work with recently sat down with 59 students (53 of whom were girls) from all over the U.S. (but mostly the South), and we asked them a ton of questions at a FUGE camp in Clinton, Mississippi. Here are some of the more interesting findings:

What do you wish your youth minister or Sunday School teacher would talk about more or be really honest about wth you?
   
“The things we need to know later in life.”
“I wish we went over more stories from the Bible.”
“Heaven and hell” (Several students said they wanted to know what happens after they die.)

In case you aren’t sure what kind of TV shows your girls are probably watching, here are the top answers of the students when we asked: "In the last three months, what TV shows did you watch?"

Middle School:
“The Secret Life of the American Teenager”
“Pretty Little Liars”
“Degrassi”

High School:
“Pretty Little Liars”
“Glee”
“American Idol”
“Dancing with the Stars”

Stay tuned next Thursday, and I’ll tell you even more about what these students had to say about their culture, the issues they face, and how we can best get their attention.
 

As I've talked with other moms through the years, when it comes down to it, we are rather a sad group at times. Not sad as in boo hoo, but sad as in inexperienced. All of us (at least those I know) were thrown into parenting with a minimum amount of training and preparation. We watched our parents parent. We watched the Cosby show or one of those other quick fix family shows. We thought marriage and a family would be this idylic life...a fairy tale come true. That was before we realized that in lots fairy tales there is tragedy and the mom in the story is dead.

Seriously, think about it. Cinderella...her mom died so she lives with a mean step-mother. Snow White...her mom died now living with wicked Queen. Sleeping Beauty...orphaned. Belle, from Beauty and the Beast, living with her dad and we assume, of course, that her mom passed when she was young. Ariel, from Little Mermaid, King Neptune is the dad, but where is mom?

There are days when, as the mom, I wonder if my girls would be better off without me. Not to sound morbid or like I have some kind of a weird death wish, but there are those days when you wonder if you really do make a difference. My daughters are surrounded by several strong Christian mentors and a number of people who can and do speak Truth into their lives. They have a great dad and huge support system. There are those at church involved in girls ministry and they would take care of everything if I was gone, right?

And then I have night like last night. At 9:00 p.m. I received a text from a friend. At the same time my daughters were receiving texts from some of their friends. There was drama in the neighborhood.

The short version of this tale is that the troubled kid was trying to get others involved in "his trouble." And when one mom found out...charge! There was going to be an intervention for this student and every other teenager or kid in the neighborhood. Suddenly, the moms were using text messages to call everyone to the alert. One text message led to another and moms began spreading the word about what was going down. The moms of the neighborhood were going to confront the problem, any kids involved, and any parents who didn't know what was happening.

How did it all begin? By one mom intercepting and reading her son's text messages. Not what she wanted to read at the end of a long day, but she didn't back down. Instead of ignoring the potential problem, she went straight to her son and then straight to the friend and his mom.

The problem is not over. Everything was not resolved in a 30-minute time slot like the sitcoms. The issue with this kid only opened the door revealing the same issue with several other teenagers in our neighborhood. Instead of one kid needing help, there is a whole group of students and parents. Some know the Lord, some don't. Some want help with this problem, others want to ignore it. Not a happy ending at this point.

I'm still not clear on what my role will be in this tale. But I am in it for the long haul because of my relationships with all the kids and parents involved. I am thankful for one mom who was willing to step in and get involved. I am thankful she didn't back down because she has "so many other things to do" or because "he's not my kid and it is not my place."

Also, as I thought about this situation involving students and parents, I wondered what might my church do to help parents become more equipped to handle these situations. How can we encourage parents to step in and confront when needed? How do we keep parents from "sweeping the problems under the rug?" How can we help parents to be the parent? How can we help parents see their role, not only in the life of their own teenager, but also in the lives of his or her friends?

What are you doing in your girls' ministry to equip parents facing tough issues, and especially those moms like me who find themselves in the middle of neighborhood drama on a Monday night? (because like all those moms in the fairy tales...I'm not dead yet!)

A new study released late last month showed that "teenage girls are more likely than teenage boys to perceive the potential benefits from drug use and drinking, making teen girls more vulnerable to drug and alcohol abuse."

Here's the gist: girls thinks drugs are a good way to deal with problems like stress or issues at home. In the past, girls didn't want to hang around with drug users. But now, only one-third of girls have that attitude toward illegal substances. This is indicative of how girls see drug and alcohol use overall. In my generation, drug use was a fringe activity. It was reserved for "losers" who were on the fast track to nowhere. Now, using drugs is an acceptable way to deal life's problems. Girls are literally self-medicating.

What can parents and girls' ministry leaders help girls avoid this dead-end path? Here are a few simple thoughts.

1. Check your own attitude and behavior. Here's a tough question to ask yourself is this: could you be guilty of self-medicating? A "glass of wine to help you relax" may not translate so innocently to a teen girl. How often do you drown your sorrows in a gallon of mint chocolate chip ice cream? Do you veg in front of the TV every night? Lose yourself in romance novels—even Christan ones—a little too often? What about the the constant use of prescription medication to alleviate pain? I'm not saying that you and I need to abandon the use of medication when necessary. However, I have to ask myself: is medication the first thing I turn to? Is there another alternative, like dealing with the stress that's causing the headache?

Whether you and I like it or not, girls use us as a barometer to measure acceptable behavior. If they see in us apathy or endorsement, then their own lives are likely to reflect that same attitude. Whether it's self-medicating through chocolate or codeine, girls take their cues from us.

2. Talk about it. More than once. A conversation by definition is a dialogue, not a monologue. It's not about you telling girls to "just say no." They need to have the opportunity to talk, too. Ask about the prevalance of drugs and alcohol at school, at parties, and other places teens gather. Let her talk about the pressure she feels. Help her come up with some solutions when confronted with the issue. Provide a way out if she ever feels she's in a dangerous situation. Just like discussions about sex and purity, conversations about drug and alcohol usage should be an ongoing, open-ended dialogue.

3. Keep a look out for signs of stress. The article indicates that girls tend to use drugs and alcohol as a way to deal with stress. And girls are more stressed out than ever before. By being proactive in spotting and handling stress in girls, you're helping eliminate the need for the substances. So how can you spot stress? Here are some simple things to look for:

• saying she feels pressured or hurried all the time
• irritability and moodiness (outside of the normal fluxuation in teen girls!)
• stomach problems
• headaches
• overreacting to minor problems (flying off the handle at "nothing")
• problems sleeping
• sadness or depression
• a crazy schedule with no margin for rest

Unfortunately, drug and alcohol usage among teen girls has been hiding in the shadows of other issues like cutting, suicide, mean girls, and other "hot" issues. But girls will tell you—it's still a problem that needs to be addressed, even if it's not the most popular topic.

Part of our ministry at LifeWay is helping parents as they help their daughter navigate life in this culture. In fulfilling that role, we need your help. Would you answer this quick survey to give us insight into your needs as a parent?

Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one who struggles with my faith. Others talk about their relationship with God with such affection and confidence, and I wonder if to myself, "Why isn't that me?" Most of the time, I feel like Jacob, who spent a good portion of his life in trouble, wrestling with his past, his decisions, and his God. My relationship with God isn't very neat, and it certainly isn't pretty. Or refined.

If you ever feel like me, then the following prayer will resonate with you. I found it the other day as I was reading the book Strengthening the Soul of Your Leadership (which I highly recommend, by the way):

Holy One,
there is something I wanted to tell you
but there have been errands to run,
     bills to pay,
          arrangements to make,
               meetings to attend,
                    friends to entertain,
                         washing to do...
and I forgot what it is I wanted to say to you,
and mostly I forget what I'm about,
     or why.
O God,
don't forget me please,
for the sake of Jesus Christ...

O Father in Heaven,
perhaps you've already heard what I wanted to tell you.
What I watned to ask is
     forgive me,
          heal me,
               increase my coursge please.
Renew in me a little of love and faith,
     and a sense of confidence,
          and a vision of what itmight mean
               to live as though you were real,
                    and I mattered,
                         and everyone was sister and brother.

What I wanted to ask in my blundering way is
     don't give up on me,
          don't become to sad about me,
               but laugh with me,
                    and try again with me,
                         and I will with you, too.

---Ted Loder, Guerrillas of Grace

Does this prayer resonate with you? If so, how?

The halls were quiet. The girls were doing devotions in their rooms. My group was taking their turn using the "on the hall showers" in the dorm one of the great joys of camp living. I was filling my water bottle for the hundredth time that day because it was a heat wave week at camp. It had been a long day and I was ready for my head to hit the pillow.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw one of the other chaperones who was staying with girls from our church on the floor above us. She quietly approached me...and then before I realized what was happening...she pulled out a cowbell and rang it right in my ear! Before I could say a word, she ran into the bathroom and rang it outside the shower stalls. The girls, my girls in the showers, started screaming their heads off. Then the cowbell waving chaperone quickly scurried up and down the hall clanging the cowbell with all her might before running back up the flight of stairs to her own floor and her own room to hide.

The girls in the showers were screaming. The girls who had been quietly reading their Bibles, praying and doing devotions with their chaperones were rushing out of their rooms with wild eyes full of questions. The chaperones were looking at me like they were going to kill me while I was mopping up the water from my overflowing water bottle that went flying when the cowbell first rang in my ear!

All I could do was point to the stairwell and say, "It wasn't me!"

For the next hour we laughed like crazy after I ratted out the guilty chaperone. The girls all thought it was a fire alarm when they first heard the cowbell. They couldn't believe a chaperone would run up and down the halls clanging a cowbell during quiet time when everyone was getting ready for bed. After all we were supposed to be doing devotions and showering. Isn't that breaking the rules?! What kind of chaperone would do that?

The real kind. The fun kind.

In a moment of madness this one chaperone won the hearts of about 50 girls and the other women chaperones. We all loved the unexpected. We all loved the craziness of the moment. We all loved this new friend who was willing to take a risk and bring the fun factor to our floor after a long day when we were tired and maybe for some a little homesick.

The clanging cowbell reminded me that sometimes I get so caught up following the schedule and rules of camp as a chaperone. I try so hard to make sure that everyone is where they need to be and doing what they need to do that I forget to just have fun with the girls. I guarantee it changed the way that all of us lived the rest of that week of camp. (I was even seen clanging a cowbell later that week!)

And what are the girls going to remember from their camp experience? I want them to remember what they learned in Bible study. I want them to remember messages from worship. I want them to remember intimate moments with a great and loving heavenly Father. But I also want them to remember that there are some women in their lives that love them and want to hang out with them long after camp is over. I want them to remember that along with the more serious times of study and focus, there are those moments to be spontaneous and crazy. I want them to remember to live the abundant life in Christ.

In the end I hope these girls remember their time at camp as one where they grew in their relationships....their relationship with God...their relationships with friends...their relationships with others they didn't even know before camp. And if it takes a clanging cowbell to help make it happen...so be it!

It seems like so often we focus on middle school and high school girls when we talk about Girls’ Ministry. We see all these girls in our student groups at church and girls growing into young womanhood in our communities. We intentionally look for ways to minister to them and help guide them into a right relationship with God. We want them to seek answers to their questions from Scripture. We want them to live walking with Jesus daily as they face the difficulties and temptations of the teen years. And I think we are the right track to keep focusing on these teenage girls.

However, last week I served as a female chaperone with our children’s ministry my church as we took 3^rd-5^th graders to CentriKid. We had the most awesome week! It was truly an incredible camp experience!

But one thing I walked away convinced of—girls, even 3^rd-5^th graders need older girls and women speaking truth into their lives. They need women who will invest time and make the effort to stick with them through the preteen and teen years as they mature.

I truly believe that some of the issues we are dealing with among the girls during the teen years are left over baggage from their preteen years. Does any of this sound familiar?

“She said (you fill in the blank) about me and now no one will talk to me.”

“I look terrible in this and I want to change clothes.”

Pick a name, any name “is mean and I don’t like her!”

“Why should I walk with her to free time activities? She doesn’t act like she even wants to go.”

How would these girls on both ends of these statements live and act differently during their teen years if someone had taken the time to address some issues like gossip, self-image, insecurity, conflict resolution, and true friendship while they were still in elementary school?

As I watched some girl drama unfold at camp, I also watched two 5^th graders help two 3^rd graders understand and complete their quiet time devotions several mornings. I watched three 5^th graders act as big sisters to some 3^rd and 4^th graders who were participating in their first camp and first time away from home. I watched 3^rd-5^th graders share their testimonies with one another and share the excitement and joy when some of their friends accepted Jesus as Lord and Savior for the first time.

It is never too soon to start a girls’ ministry…

And girls are never too young to be involved in girls’ ministry.

How are you extending your Girls’ Ministry beyond the teen years? Do you have any preteen focused ministries for the girls in your church and community? How can girls still in elementary school benefit from the Girls’ Ministry in your church?

We're doing a little research for a project and we'd like your help. 

1. Answer the survey below.

2. Send this survey link to all of the teen girls you know. They love polls!

Thanks so much!

The following guest blog is written by Erin Davis, author of the newly-released Bible study, True Princess: Embracing Humility in an All-About-Me World.

When LifeWay approached me about writing a girls’ resource on entitlement, I was super stoked. I pictured every teenage girl who had ever rolled her eyes at me when I took away her cell phone at a youth retreat or cared more about clothes and shoes than applying God’s Truth. This resource was for them, right? Wrong!

As I started to write God did what He does best. He changed my heart. He used His Word to expose pockets of selfishness and entitlement in my own life and then graciously pointed me toward His example of royalty redefined. The result is a Bible study I’m thrilled to have my name on. To give you a taste of what’s inside the book, here’s the top 10 lessons God taught me while writing True Princess.
 

1. When we teach young women that they are princesses, we’re only telling half of the story.
2. There’s a huge difference between acting like a princess and living like the daughter of the King (especially the King of Kings!)
3. Being adopted into God’s family means allowing Him to be in charge. He sits on the throne of our hearts and our life is under His authority as King.
4. When we get a real glimpse of our God on His throne it becomes crystal clear what our position is before Him. He is the one on the throne. We are worshippers of God, not the ones being worshipped.
5. God is the only one worthy to have the complete devotion of our hearts. Trouble always comes when we forget who should be on the throne.
6. We serve an approachable king.
7. The qualities of humility and meekness matter a lot to God.
8. Jesus deserved comfort. But He didn’t have an attitude of entitlement. He chose to live humbly and accepted a punishment He didn’t deserve. He calls us to do the same.
9. God has commissioned each of us to be ambassadors of His gospel.
10. The truth about our King is better than any fairy tale.

And that’s the Cliffs’ Notes version! Gods Word is has so much to teach us about the kind of King we serve and our role within His kingdom. As you use this resource to influence the girls around you, know that He probably has a lesson or two in store for you as well. But don’t worry. You won’t end up with a tarnished tiara. Instead you can bank on a renewed passion for the King of Kings.

I can’t wait to hear about it!
 

I stopped for a funeral procession today.

If you live in a small town, that may not seem like an anomaly. I grew up in such a town. Less than 15,000 people. Stopping for funeral processions was as common as going to the store to buy a jug of milk for your mom.

But I live in Nashville now. Music City, USA. While it has a hometown feel, this city buzzes.  Constantly. Like an  annoying buzz from an overhead florescent light. You might even hear it as you’re reading this blog. Sometimes this sense of urgency goes unnoticed, like the buzzing light, but it’s always there, compelling you to keep a frenetic pace.

So when I stopped for the procession, I was initially annoyed. I’d been in a breakfast meeting across town and was trying to get back to my office for another meeting that I was late for because I didn’t put enough margin into my schedule. As usual. Because I’m that important.

But when I saw the hearse, my self-important rush came to a screeching halt along with the traffic. I thought of the many deaths I’d experienced in my family over the last few years and the emotions that accompany the loss. And I thought about the family of that person in that coffin in that hearse. They were having a very, very bad day. And I thought about my own life. One day, someone will be stopping his car for just a moment to honor my life and the memories I have left behind. At least I hope he will. And I hope the people in that funeral procession can celebrate a life that made much of Jesus.

In that moment, as I watched the parade of cars roll by, my meeting didn’t seem so important. I wasn’t in such a rush to get to my myriad of meetings, my in-box of emails, or my endless to-do list.

Remembering that my life is measured not in the number of my Twitter followers I accumulate, but in the legacy of faith I leave to others, was worth the interruption.
 

Our latest Bible study is finally available.

After months of praying, writing, editing, designing, rewriting, re-editing, praying some more....it's finally in print and on the shelves. I even have a copy on my own shelf in my office. I've already opened it, sniffed the pages (you know you're a real book nerd when you do that) and showed it to everyone. And here's your sneak peek:

Materialism doesn’t stay within the pages of fairy tales. The fascination with stuff is tightly woven into the fabric of our culture. Billions of marketing dollars are spent every year to convince you that money matters and possessions are the key to happiness. Without even realizing it, many of us adopt a materialistic mind-set and an approach to wealth that doesn’t match up with the truth found in God’s Word.

Since we are redefining royalty, let’s take a look at what Scripture says about materialism and how we should approach money as daughters of the King. The Bible doesn’t call us to avoid money and material possessions all together, but it does give us some principles to define how we can best approach our finances and possessions.

You can officially purchase your own copy of True Princess. But before you go online, you have the chance to get one here! Just write a comment about how you hope to use this Bible study in your own girls' ministry or in your own life. The first ten to leave a comment will win a copy for themselves!

I can't wait to see how your hopes and dreams for your girls' ministry come to bear fruit in the next few months, as God moves and works in the lives of girls to drop their diva and their drama and take up the basin and the towel. Keep me posted!