Last week, CBS News released an article that highlighted the increase of violence between girls. This is not a new or novel problem. Since Hannah and Peninnah in the Old Testament, women have dealt with mean girls and social aggression. The difference with today's girls is the physical violence that has spiked. It's no longer just a battle of words—it's a battle of fists.

 What has caused the increase in physical aggression? Everything from hormones to violence in the media to parental absence has been blamed. While I want to understand why, the more important question is, how do we handle this issue among girls?

1. Provide opportunities for physical activity. Girls have erratic hormones and strong emotions. Put them together and you're sitting on a powder keg ready to explode. The problem is that there are few socially accepted conduits for those emotions. Not every girl is on a basketball or soccer team. To help those who aren't, provide opportunities for them to get some energy out. Organize a powder puff football game. Put up a basketball goal in front of your house and get a ball game going before Bible study. Utilize the summer months to play lots of ice breaker games outside. Keep the competition fun. Every little bit helps.

2. Teach girls how to express emotions in a healthy way. In puberty, girls' emotions are radically changing from day to day or even hour by hour. It's a scary thing. Girls need to know that there will be some days that they want to cry for no reason (and yes, it's OK just to cry). They need to learn through example or thorugh a Bible study how to deal with anger, depression, disappointment, and fear. Why not host a Bible study that tackles emotions? And why not invite parents to a separate Bible study on helping teens manage those emotions? Many parents are just as wigged out as the girls!

3. When you see examples of girl-on-girl violence, talk about it. What led up to the confrontation? Why did these girls see physical violence as the only solution? What consequences do these girls face for dealing with their emotions in such an unproductive manner? Peer (and adult) culture often glorifies violence between girls. Show girls the downside.

4. Teach girls conflict resolution skills. There are a ton of online suggestions for conflict management. Find some that will resonate with the girls you lead. Give them some tools for working through a situation that seems impossible. Girls who feel like they are backed into a corner with no way out are much more likely to turn violent toward others (or herself).

Sometimes I wish I didn’t think so much.

I wish I wasn’t so analytical, so skeptical. I often find myself questioning others’ motives, statements, assertions, and values. It’s a consequence of living in a culture where “truth” changes as quickly as the weather, where little seems dependable or trustworthy. My analytical skills protected me as a child and serve me well as an adult.

But sometimes, they hurt my relationship with God.

Instead of looking at things through the eyes of a loving God who wants the best for me, I tend to see through a glass darkly colored by the evil around me. And that has major consequences for my relationship with God.

I wish I were more like David when he penned Psalm 34. In it, he writes, “I sought the Lord, and He answered me and delivered me from all my fears…This poor man cried, and the Lord heard and saved him from all his troubles. The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear Him, and rescues them” (v. 4,6-7).

Seems pretty straightforward, doesn’t it? But’s the simple superscription at the beginning of this chapter that throws my brain into its analytical tailspin. It says, “concerning David, when he pretended to be insane in the presence of Abimelech…”

Did you catch that? David saw God’s deliverance in his (David’s) acting insane. The Bible tells us that David, “acted like a madman around them, scribbling on the doors of the gate and letting saliva run down his beard.”

Gross, but effective. And after David wiped the drool off of his chin, he wrote a psalm declaring God’s love, faithfulness, and deliverance. To him, the inspiration to act like a patient at an asylum was just as much God’s providence as parting the Red Sea. God delivered. The means by which deliverance came didn’t matter.

And that’s where my analytical, skeptical, orderly brain gets me in trouble.

I know I need God’s deliverance. Only I want it in ways that make sense to me. But when I read Scripture, God’s deliverance and presence show up in the craziest of ways, if you’ll pardon the pun. Most of the time, God shows up in ways that just don’t "make sense."

It didn’t make sense that the man who led the Israelites out of Egypt would be a bumbling, stuttering man with anger issues.

It boggles the imagination that the people of Israel would go to battle against Jericho with some torches and clay pots and march around the walls of the city looking like a bunch of fools.

It goes against logic that a shepherd would become Israel’s king. And that this mighty king would be known as a man after God’s own heart, even though that heart was guilty of lust, adultery, and murder.

There’s no common since in Naaman being healed of a skin disease by taking a bath in nasty, dirty river water.

It was beyond description to bring deliverance through a baby born to pregnant peasant teenager who’d never had sex. To give the message of that birth through a bunch of unclean, dirty shepherds who were more used to talking to sheep than talking to people.

It didn’t make sense that Jesus would go through Samaria instead of around it. That he would talk to a woman at a well, a woman whom everyone else had discarded, ignored, and marginalized until she was more than happy to go it alone.  

And it challenges every logical thought that God would deliver humanity by allowing His only Son, the heart of His heart, to be tortured beyond recognition and to be murdered on the most horrific device known at the time.

It doesn’t make sense that He loves me. My analytical mind doesn’t get it. I don’t understand it.

But it’s not about my intellect. I think (?) that God often works in unpredictable ways so that I can’t put him in a box or believe the lie that I’ve somehow figured Him out.   

And I am learning that no matter how He chooses to work or to show Himself, and no matter what the outcome looks like at the time, I can trust that His actions are always a reflection of His heart toward me. A good heart. A perfectly faithful heart (Isa. 25:1).  

And that’s enough for me. At least it is today.
 

We thought you might find it helpful to know a little more about what’s going on in the world of your students. Here are some of the most popular movies and songs this week (with a few comments from Emily thrown in). In the future, we hope to highlight fashion, technology, and other current topics. Let us know what you struggle most with in relating to your girls, and we’ll try to address it here.

Top movies this past weekend:

1.    Avatar, $34.9 mil (“Fern Gully” 2010: same agenda, better visuals)
2.    Legion, $17.5 mil
3.    The Book of Eli, $15.7 mil (while very graphically violent, an EXCELLENT film! Denzel Washington is charged to carry the Word of God west after “The Flash”[the Rapture]. His faith . . . a-ma-zing.)
4.    Tooth Fairy, $14 mil
5.    The Lovely Bones, $8.4 mil
6.    Sherlock Holmes, $6.6 mil (Dark, but good.)
7.    Extraordinary Measures, $6 mil
8.    Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel, $6.4 mil
9.    It's Complicated, $5.8 mil
10.    The Spy Next Door, $4.6 mil

Top 10 Radio Airplay:

1.    Ke$ha - Tik Tok (Have you listened to the lyrics? Ugh.)
2.    Lady Gaga - Bad Romance (As if the title didn't give it away, this is NOT a picture of a healthy relationship.)
3.    Iyaz - Replay
4.    David Guetta - Sexy Chick
5.    Jay-Z w/ Alicia Keys - Empire State of Mind (I’m not going to lie. I love this song—the edited version, at least.)
6.    Jay Sean - Do You Remember
7.    Jason DeRulo - Whatcha Say
8.    Owl City – Fireflies (Clean. Good enough to be played at our youth activities on Wednesday night.)
9.    Boys Like Girls and Taylor Swift - Two Is Better Than One
10.    Orianthi - According To You (An interesting look at a girl viewing herself from two different guys’ perspectives.)

Top 10 Downloaded Songs this week:

   1. Justin Timberlake & Matt Morris – Hallelujah (Popularity is due to their performance of this Leonard Cohen classic at the Hope for Haiti Now telethon last Friday night.)
   2. Taylor Swift - Today Was a Fairytale
   3. Ke$ha - TiK ToK
   4. Tlack Eyed Peas - Imma Be
   5. Timbaland - Carry Out
   6. Train - Hey, Soul Sister
   7. Young Money & Lloyd - BedRock
   8. Lady Gaga - Bad Romance
   9. Justin Bieber - Baby
  10. Ke$ha - Blah Blah Blah

Meet Hannah. She tells her story below. I asked her record her thoughts as she looked back at her years in youth group.

 

I am a sophomore in college— one and a half years removed from the youth group. I was in three different youth groups and had five different youth ministers in the span of my six years as a youth.  Whew. As you can see, my experience in the youth ministry was a whirlwind of new churches and youth ministers. Because these youth ministers weren’t involved in my life for long periods of time, I didn’t get the chance to learn from them as much as I wish.

Looking back on my high school years, I think that I needed a lot of wisdom from my youth ministers. I really could have used some guidance about relationships with guys. Like so many teenage girls, I was clueless as to the importance of emotional boundaries. Of course, being a little uncertain around the fellows like I was, I probably needed advice about even being friends with guys.

I wish someone had taught me to give of myself where God was working. In high school, it is so easy to become focused on yourself and your goals and your future. Often, I had the mindset that I could join God in his work when I got to college.  I could give to others once I landed that scholarship. I needed a reminder that God wanted all of me right then. Not later.

I also had tons of questions about different denominations and their practices. Several of my friends were extremely charismatic, and I had no clue how to handle that. Where did I plant my foot down on issues of worship and those controversial spiritual gifts? What should my stance be?

My youth ministers could have been helpful counselors regarding all of these topics. But the bottom line is, when there is no relationship, the conversations have little value to a teenager. I needed my youth minister not only to speak wisdom to me, but also to be involved in my life.

I'm not sure how your student ministry does it, but in ours, the gender-specific retreats occur during the spring semester. They usually happen whenever inclement weather occurs too, which makes for very exciting (and slightly scary) retreats. But it's during these weekends that, as a leader, I feel like I get to know the girls in our ministry best. And that makes all the planning, time away from friends and family, and lack of sleep and general nutrition completely worth it. So what about you? Answer our poll and let us know if you'll be planning a retreat this semester. And have a great day, while you're at it! :)

 

Last week my oldest daughter took the test, passed and received her driver's permit. WAHOO! (Yes that was a big WAHOO because she failed the test the previous week.)

The following evening after passing her permit test she drove to the grocery store with my husband to "pick up a few things." Interesting...no one usually offers to do the grocery shopping for me. She parked the car a football field away from the front doors of the supermarket, got out and started walking. My husband quickly asked if she was hoping someone would steal his car. Yes, that's right, the keys were in the car and it was still running!

Being a good dad he didn't reprimand her or tease her too much; however, the reality did set in...we've got a lot of work to do in the next year as she prepares for her "real" driver's license.

It brought to mind a great article I read recently written by one of the ministers at my church. He gave some wonderful tips and suggestions in the article to encourage parents. He also gave me permission to share it with you and I hope it will help you as you minister to the parents of the girls in your ministry.

 

You as a parent are on the front lines in the struggle for the hearts, minds and very lives of your teenagers. You want your teenagers to succeed in whatever they do. To prepare a path for them here are several things you can do to protect and enable your teenager to be successful in what God leads them to do.

1. Pray for your student every day. Pray that they will be kept from temptation - because it is EVERYWHERE out there! Pray that God will bring the right people into their lives at the right time to influence them for Him. Pray that God will provide them with friends that have the same Christian values you have. Pray that God will protect your children physically, emotionally, psychologically, mentally and socially.

2. Pray with your student. This one is not easy and may seem hokey, but it is essential. It will let your student know that prayer is important and you are trusting in a higher authority. Simply ask your student what they are concerned about - a test, a friend, a situation. Then say: "let me pray with you about that". It may be uncomfortable at first, especially if this is not a regular habit in your home, but as you do it, praying with your student will be looked forward to.

3. Set a good example. You may not believe it, but you do influence your student's decisions. They watch you all the time. What are the seeing in and hearing from you? If you were your kid, would you look up to you? Research tells us that parents are the number one influence on children - so how are you doing?

4. Be there for them. When they need a listening and experienced ear, be there. Listen. Don't talk. Listen for what is behind what is being said. If you hear something that alarms you, take a deep breath and don't judge - ask God to help you with the response that is needed, which may not be one you want to give - at the moment. The main thing is to be available to listen - really listen. If corrective action is needed, be sure not to let them off the hook.

5. Apologize when you are wrong. It is not easy to swallow pride, but it is a way to build lasting relationships when you sincerely apologize when you have been wrong with an attitude or action. Your teenagers will respect you more.

6. Be the parent - they have tons of friends. Parents have the hard job of saying "No" and setting limits. Friends just let things slide. Your student will learn to trust and follow you as you take on the role of being a parent. You have their best interest at heart - sometimes that best interest is hard to administer - but it will be worth it in the long run for your teen and down deep she knows it.

7. Help your student learn from her mistakes. Life lessons are good teachers. If you protect your teenager from the consequences of their mistakes, they will never learn how or why they should avoid doing the same things in the future. The lesson may have some sting to it and may be embarrassing to you, but if you "fix" things and they know you will, they will never learn how to make good decisions.

8. Make sure family is the center of life. Teens want to belong to something. A strong family identity will help them feel connected and protected. You do this by showing them that they are not in competition with your job or other interests. Seek to pass on traditions and talk about the importance of family. Be there when they are there - jobs and friends come and go, but family is forever!

9. Show love - no strings attached. Everyone needs to be loved. Be sure your love is unconditional - not based on performance at home, school, or sports. Not an I love you "if" kind of love, but I love you "no matter what" kind of love. It is not how they perform, it is who they are that counts!

10. Finally - be consistent. If you say you are a Christian, then act like one and live your life according to Christian principles. Consistency earns respect and trust from your student.

 

How might you share these tips with the parents of the girls in your ministry? Which suggestions really stand out to you? Where do the parents of the girls in your girls' ministry need reminders or encouragement as they stand on the "front lines" raising their daughter?

 

 

 

Earlier, I gave you a sneak peek into one of our newest resources, True Princess: Being a Servant in an All-About-Me-World. The full manuscript is now in my inbox, and we're beginning production on it. I am so excited about the potential of this Bible study to change the mindset and attitudes of teen girls. Here's another sneak peek at what the girls will see:

The pop princesses of our culture have a reputation for being rebellious. It’s no surprise when their scandals hit the headlines and their bad behavior is photographed for the entire world to see. These “princesses” don’t seem to worry much about honoring their family name or protecting the reputation of their fathers.

We may call these girls princesses, but deep down we know this isn’t how a princess is supposed to act. These aren’t the kind of young women we admire. Their lives aren’t the stuff of fairy tales.  

A true princess doesn’t do whatever it takes to draw attention to herself. She is special because she is the daughter of someone special. Everything she does points back toward her father, the king. If a princess acts recklessly or ignores the needs or customs of her people, it isn’t just her reputation that suffers. The honor and image of the throne is at stake.

Honoring the family name may seem like an ancient concept to our modern brains. But it is a key responsibility of a daughter of the King and it’s a theme that is repeated often in Scripture.

 

 

Here's another segment. Now can you see why I'm so excited about this Bible study?

 

As daughters of the king, our lives are not our own. Scripture puts it this way:

Or didn't you realize that your body is a sacred place, the place of the Holy Spirit? Don't you see that you can't live however you please, squandering what God paid such a high price for? –1 Corinthians 6: 19-20a, The Message

Asking God to adopt you into His family means allowing Him to be in charge. He now sits on the throne of your heart and your choices should be determined by His will. This is definitely easier said than done, but it is critical for you to realize that your life is under the authority of the King. You are called to live a life in submission to Christ.

You are probably already living out this principle in some areas of your life....

 

Just a glance at the latest fashion or celebrity magazine, and you can see why a Bible study like this is so desperately necessary to counteract the mindset of our culture. I can't wait for this to hit the shelves!

 

So I had one of those quiet times this morning where the Scripture just makes you uncomfortable.

I was reading Luke 5 where the story of Jesus and Simon Peter really begins. Apparently, Peter had been fishing all night and hadn’t caught anything. I’m sure he was tired, hungry, and disappointed that his efforts had been in vain. And then Jesus appeared with a large crowd of people. They’re all crowding Him, trying to listen to what He’s saying. So Jesus walked over to Simon Peter and climbed in his boat. Then he told Simon Peter to back the boat off the shore a bit. I wonder what Simon was thinking while Jesus proceeded to teach the people. Did he listen as he worked on his boat? Did he sit and absorb every word? Did he get a little cranky because he was tired? Who knows.

After He finished teaching, Jesus told Simon Peter to row out to deep water and put his nets back in the water. Simon Peter tried to reason with Him, citing the night’s disappointing fishing results. But he took Jesus at His word and put in the nets. (Maybe he had a little faith because Jesus has healed his mother-in-law not too long ago.) Lo and behold, so many fish were caught that the load nearly sank two boats. (I can only imagine what Simon Peter was thinking as they rowed back to shore. “Man! We’re going to eat well tonight. I can get my wife that new clay pot she’s been wanting and finally make those expensive repairs to the boat . . .” Or something like that. And in Aramaic, of course.) He told Jesus that he was a sinful man and that he didn’t deserve to be in Jesus' presence. But Jesus said something that changed it all for Simon. He said, “Don’t be afraid. From now on, you’ll be catching people!”
 

And do you know what Simon Peter did? He and his team brought the boats to the shore, left everything, and followed Jesus. They left the financial security and stability of that huge catch of fish. They left the chance of being local celebrities for bringing in a miraculously huge catch with Jesus. They traded the predictable for the unknown.

I know it’s not a novel concept, but I was really struck this morning by the suddenness of their departure from the norm. They “left everything” and followed Christ. (I hope they let someone know about the fish or else that would have STUNK the next day!) They didn’t have to think about it; they just went. So I had to ask myself if I would have done the same thing.

That’s a tough call. I’d like to think that had I been in Simon Peter’s shoes, I would have been so drawn to Christ and the authority with which He taught and the miracles He performed that I would have dropped everything to follow Him. But I’m afraid I may have told Him I’d meet him at the fish market after I’d sold the boatload of fish He’d given me. I’m bad at spontaneity, and I like stability and security. But part of me longs for the adventure of dropping everything and following Jesus.

When you get the chance to drop everything and follow Jesus, will you?

If you’ve done that already, I'd love for you to leave us a comment and let us know what that looked like in your life.
 

Confession time. Speaking the truth in love is not my gift. I often find myself leaning to one side or another. Either I speak the “love” and avoid hurting someone’s feelings or I speak the truth with a tone that comes out harsh and more like a condemnation. If speaking the truth in love is a challenge for me, at my age (and I’m not saying what that age is), how much more difficult is it for teen girls?

In John 14:6 Jesus said, “I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me.” High school, in particular, is a tough time when many girls make choices and decisions that conflict with Truth. Face it…even the most dedicated Christian girls sometimes make choices and decisions in the moment and don’t think about how those choices conflict with God’s commands. And although many friendships change or divide during the middle school years, even more boundaries are set between girls in high school.

 

Speaking the truth in love is often when the lines are drawn and friendships fizzle. So, how do we teach the girls in our church and ministries to speak the truth in love? Are there principles to follow? Are there guidelines to speaking truth?

 

1. Respect-Maybe not your typical example, but Job comes to mind when I think about a person who respected God and respected others. No matter what his circumstances or what others were saying around him or to him, Job demonstrated respect. He honored and respected God and did not let words fly in the moment when it looked to others that God had abandoned him. He honored and respected his friends by letting them speak their minds, but not falling in line with their opinions.
2. Gentleness and Kindness-Ephesians 4:26 says, “Be angry and do not sin. Don’t let the sun go down on your anger.” Regardless of how angry or frustrated we may become when we see a friend making a foolish decision away from obedience to God, our tone of voice and the words we use can convey love. Helping girls learn to control their tone of voice is a key to communicating effectively in many situations. Giving a gentle rebuke to someone we love can have more power than a string of words expressing frustration.
3. Seeking God-Speaking the truth in love is a task that requires wisdom. When you are 14 or 16 or even 36 or 46, it is difficult to speak the truth in love. How do we know the correct words to use? What is the right time to say those words of correction, rebuke, or confrontation? James 1:5 reminds us, “Now if any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives to all generously and without criticizing, and it will be given to him.”

Friendships and relationships can be hard. They can be especially hard when situations arise that require speaking truth into the lives of others. The truth is not always easy to hear. The truth is not always easy to receive once it is spoken. We all want others to see the best in us. We want to hear words of affirmation and encouragement, and sometimes that is not what we are going to hear from those who know us best, our true friends.

 

Proverbs 27: 6 says, “The wounds of a friend are trustworthy, but the kisses of an enemy are excessive.” How can we help girls to understand that although the truth may sometimes hurt, it is best? How can we help them to value those who speak the truth in love? And how do we teach girls to speak the truth in love with balance - avoiding the harsh tones and the soft words that cushion the truth too much?

I was teaching at a youth ministry class at New Orleans seminary last week and mentioned the upcoming Girls' Ministry Forum. A guy asked a question that has been posed to me more than once: can a guy attend the girls' forum?

Not only can they come, but they need to come. Here's why:

1. Statistically, girls comprise a majority of a youth ministry (and a church)—or they will in the future. And that is not likely to change.
2. Girls' needs and struggles are different that what a guy faces. This conference will give guys the chance to peel the curtain back just a bit and get a glimpse into this generation of girls. 
3. Parents need to know that male ministers care about what's going on with their teen girls. The fact that guys are willing to attend a conference like this will increase their value in parents' eyes by ten-fold.
4. Girls need to know that male ministers care. One way they can demonstrate that concern is by attending a conference that is just about them.
5. Guy youth ministers (and pastors) are a resource for parents and volunteers. When parents or teachers are struggling with a girl's actions, they need to hear more than platitudes or a summary statements about how girls are a mystery. They need education, encouragement, and information, all of which can be garnered from this conference.