Irritabiliy.....how is that working for you?

IRRITABILITY ~ INTIMACY

"For a marriage relationship to flourish there must be intimacy. It takes an enormous amount of courage to say to your spouse, 'This is me. I'm not proud of it--in fact, I'm a little embarrassed by it--but this is who I am.'" ~ Bill Hybels

Last month we were able to take a journey through the Busyness that affects your marriage and relationships, let's look this month at Irritability and Intimacy from The 6 Mosquitoes, that drain the life out of marriage and relationships. Are you an irritable person? Do you know irritable people? We have all seen visuals of irritable people. As a matter of fact, we do not even have to look far. They are all around us. They check us out at the grocery store, they teach our children, they share the office next to us, they answer the phone at the doctor's office, they sit next to us in church pews on Sundays and yes, at times, they even live in our homes. Irritability is immaturity of character and if you are subject to being unpleasant and rude to others for no apparent reason, you need to come face to face with the fact that your behavior is extremely selfish. And the reality is that many of us are irritable because it is easier to be angry than to admit we hurt, thus creating a wall in our lives that block us from intimacy with not only ourselves, but also with God. Please understand, irritability is not the issue, it is merely a symptom of the issue. It is a lot like having a sinus infection. You can blow your nose over and over, but the sinus infection is not going away without being treated. Irritability is the same way, you can blow your top over and over again, but until you figure out the source of your temper and discontent, nothing in your life will change for the better. Spencer Tracy says it so well in the following quote: "I lose my temper, but it's all over in a minute," said the student. "So is the hydrogen bomb," I replied. "But think of the damage it produces!" How then do we take our irritability and turn it into intimacy? Maybe its time to sit down with your spouse and figure out how irritability is negatively affecting your home. Ask questions of each other and of yourself such as:

*What is the root of my irritability and am I willing to come face to face with that root?
*How does my irritability make you feel?
*When in the company of others, do I leave a sweet aroma or a harsh odor?
*Do people refer to me as an "out of control" angry person or a person who is respectful and gentle?
*Do my words cut others or build them up?
*Why is it difficult to deal with what is really wrong? What am I afraid of?
*Who do I need to set free from my actions and harsh words so that others can see God?

Until we open our hearts to those we love, we will never experience a communication break through. This is not easy! We have to risk vulnerability to the point of possible rejection as it seems that life is so much fuller when we fail spectacularly risking much than to pass along leading a mediocre existence. Wouldn't it be so awesome if we all decided to be a once in a lifetime mate, a once in a lifetime parent, friend, co-worker or servant? We are all longing for people for people to see us as we are and still love us just the same. So, "Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone." ~ Colossians 4:6

Steve and Debbie Wilson
www.marriagemattersnow.com

Are you toooooo busy

BUSYNESS

"There is never enough time to do everything, but there is always enough time to do the most important thing." ~ Bryan Tracy

We just finished writing a book and are very excited about "The 6 Mosquitoes, that drain the life out of marriage and relationships." This book is a study on 6 things that have the ability to steal the life from your marriage. While most of us are not affected by all 6 of these mosquitoes, we are all affected in some way and at different times by a few of these. We will spend the next 6 articles dealing with a different mosquito each month. This month let's dive into Busyness as we are all affected by the epidemic of busyness. Busyness seems to rob us of so many things in life and we do not even realize it. Have you ever woken up in the morning and before you knew it, it was time to go to bed and you had no recollection of what the day even consisted of? That is a common trait of a busy person. In order for us to accomplish certain goals throughout our day, we must first make the choice to decide what is truly important. It seems as though society gets faster and faster paced. While at work, many of you are probably worried about what is going on at home. Have I spent enough time with my children this week? Have I taken the time to encourage and communicate with my spouse? And while at home, many times our time is spent worrying about pressing matters we did not finish at the office. It seems, at times, like life is such a whirlwind that we do not have enough time to stop and balance that which is of utmost importance. How, then, when there are so many things pulling for our time, do we change the course of our "busyness"?

Psalm 46:10 says, "Be still and know that I am God." God knew there would be seasons in our lives when many things would be pulling for us and vying for our attention. In fact, those of us who live fast paced lives of do,do,do are pretty popular by the worlds standards. Have you ever stopped to think about what keeps you so busy? Are you seeking the approval of the world more than you are seeking the approval of God and your family? Here are some practical ways to begin working through the busyness of your life:

1. Do not allow life distractions to keep you from connecting in your marriage. (Sit down with your mate and identify what distractions have taken you away from growing your marriage.)

2. Take an inventory of your life and be willing to balance those activities by letting go of the things taking time away from your mate and children.

3. Focus more firmly on your marriage so that your able to see the things that knock you off course.

4. Realize that every decision you make in your marriage is not by chance, therefore, make the choice to devote the time necessary to have a healthy marriage and family.

5. Spend time together. You will never grow a relationship that sustains the storms in your life if you have not prioritized the time you spend nurturing your marriage.

Please understand that if you do not spend time with your mate and children, someone or something else will. Busyness has the potential to be a breeding ground for so many unhealthy things--affairs, undisciplined children, addictions, etc. So take the time to foster the kind of environment that makes your mate and children want to be at home. "Show me, Oh Lord, my life's end and the number of my days; let me know how fleeting is my life. You have made my days a mere handbreadth; the span of my years is as nothing before you. Each man's life is but a breath." ~ Psalms 39:4-5

"Invest your life in the people that will cry at your funeral."

Have a great week....slow down....
Steve and Debbie Wilson
www.marriagemattersnow.com

Are you there yet?

If we get past the fears and circumstances God uses to shape our character, what's next. Real Love! That's right, a love that carries us through the best life can offer. If you want that kind of love, you must do the following:

Live Beyond Yourself...You must move from your world to a struggling world to a spiritual world. The incredible part of this journey is that once God opens your heart and moves you beyond your world and your selfishness, you can never go back. This is a difficult step for each of us as human beings. However, each morning we have the awesome choice to get up and instead of life being about "me," it can be about spreading the love Jesus intended for us so that we can truly live beyond ourselves.

Overlook the Small Stuff...God tells us that in this world there will be pain and suffering and if we truly want to receive the glory on the other side, we must begin my living a more patient and compassionate life. Debbie and I often times stand amazed at the smallness of issues that bring couples to us for counseling. If only we could get them to grasp the blessings that abound in their lives, the small things would seem so menial in the grand scope of life. So relax a little and give one another a small portion of the grace and mercy God has extended to you.

Very Grateful Heart...We need to get up every morning with a thought that "God chose us! He chose us to live in the wealthiest nation in the world. He chose us for this life and this country and we must cease thinking of our own needs and begin thinking of ways to be God's hands and feet. This does not necessarily mean that to be His hands and feet we must travel to a foreign land. Find simple ways in your daily life to make an impact: Smile at the checker at the grocery store, encourage your child's teacher, lend a helping hand to a neighbor, or maybe just call your husband today and tell him you are so thankful to be married to him.

Everyday Pray...Prayer changes everything! Prayer has a way of rapidly changing our attitude from a stone cold heart to a soft heart. Prayer changes life's perspective and brings us to a place where we are reminded what this life is truly about. Praying together as a couple everyday brings incredible power, breaks down walls and exposes your hearts to each other and to God.

"This day I call heaven and earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life so that you and your children may live and that you may love the Lord your God, listen to His voice and hold fast to Him.
Deuteronomy 30:19-20
Steve and Debbie Wilson
www.marriagemattersnow.com

The Balcony View

The Balcony View

Steve and I just returned from speaking at F.O.M. at Ridgecrest, North Carolina. I sit in amazement and almost feel guilty that I'm amazed at God's overwhelming outpour of himself on us. Steve and I spent a year in prayer over this weekend but could have never imagined the anointing he would have placed on us, as well as, his personal touch on every couple there. In order to give you a perspective on the weekend, we have asked our daughter who joined us to give you her vantage point.

"I have sat in many marriage conferences listening to my parents speak on marriage and family. Each time I do, I am proud and awestruck at God's touch on their lives. But none of the prior conferences could have prepared me for the view I was blessed to witness from the balcony. I am convinced that I was privileged enough to watch heaven take place on this earth. I love to observe people and try to 'figure out their world' from a distance. As I began to observe couples on Friday night, I was saddened at the distance in the pews between many of them. As a single person, my thought was, 'if this is what marriage looks like, wow, I'm not sure I'm interested'. Friday night ended and while the conference was amazing, nothing could have prepared me for the transition that would take place on Saturday night. Saturday night's conference was on 3 of the 6 mosquitoes that my parents teach (Busyness, Irritability and Drifting). Drifting was the final point before couples renewed their wedding vows and that mosquito ended by talking about the fact that in each marriage, no matter what stage the marriage was in, that God, who began a good work, would be faithful to complete it. (Phil 1:6) As if, that fact were not enough to begin breaking down walls between couples, what happened next will forever reign in mind as a picture of God's unending love and commitment for marriage. My Dad asked the husbands to snuggle up next to their wives and pray over them and then asked the wives to snuggle up close to their husbands and pray over them. It was the most incredible sight I have witnessed. Couples snuggled up close and there was hardly a dry eye in the room. When they were done praying, they took one another's hands and for many of them, I think it was the first time that they truly understood and grasped what those wedding vows really meant. On Sunday morning the pews seemed so much emptier because God had closed the space that was so evident on Friday night and it became that for the first time in a long time, God was going to get to be in the middle of 600 marriages. At the end of the conference, an invitation was done and while I didn't think there could be more rejoicing than what I had witnessed in 48 hours, over 60 hands went up to accept Jesus Christ into their hearts. All I can say is WHEW, GOD IS GOOD!"

As we close this blog, we want to thank Mark Satterfield and Lifeway for working diligently to provide marriage weekends such as this. I think the words to a Charles Billingsley song sums it up for us:

The church is empty but I just can't go home
So I linger for a moment in the dark all alone
And I'm so overwhelmed at how your spirit moved
I'm just glad
I was in the room

So many stories and no one knows but you
The silent prayers answered tonight in these pews
And I don't understand how you do what you do
I'm just glad
I was in the room

Great God in heaven
How wonderful you are
Oh you're still changing lives
And it humbles my heart
That you would allow someone like me
To play a small part

So tonight as I stand here I'm reminded once more
That when any good happens it's not about me Lord
It's enough that I stand in the shadow of you
I'm just glad
I was in the room

Introduction

Hi, I am Harry(H).

And I am Stefini(S).

(H&S) Since we are new to this blogging thing, we thought we would start by sharing our thoughts on how we expect to contribute on this site. In our bio we presented ourselves as "ordinary people". Knowing there are already some great experts contributing here, we thought we would take the approach of giving you a little bit of an inside look at our "ordinary" marriage, sharing some of our daily life and issues. By doing this we hope you will see we struggle and sometimes "fight" just like you. However, we also hope you will see issues can be handled peacefully (we call it fighting fair) and can be worked out to a resolution.

(H) After all, "making up" can be lots of fun!!

(S) We believe if you have God in the center of your marriage, good communication

(H) and a good sex life,

(S) you will have a joyous marriage and God will say "Well done my good and faithful servants"

(H) I was travelling with a non-Christian coworker recently and we were having a conversation about marriage. He was divorced and recently remarried and I had already noticed he took whatever opportunity he could to call his wife. As we talked he shared that he had very poor communication in his first marriage and vowed never to be like that again. He would no longer "bottle things" up and when there were issues he would face them head on. He also shared how great a relationship he has with his new wife as a result of his efforts for open communication.

Gentlemen, we can all learn from this example. We need to work harder at being willing to share our feelings and not holding them in, making sure that our wives are on the inside of our lives - not on the outside trying to look in. It takes effort, but it is worth the reward. Don't be like my coworker and let your marriage fail before learning the value and importance of good communication with your wife.

This is the "what we need to do". Gary and Kristen are blogging an excellent series, "Can you hear me now?", on the how to do it. Please take the time to read it.

May the Lord bless your marriage,

HandS

Can you hear me now? Principle 3

As I sit and watch the Thursday night football game, I find myself wondering why the announcers think they have to do so much talking? I know - it's their job - but do they really get paid by the word? I mean, so often it seems they are talking just to hear themselves talk. As married couples, we have to make sure we are not guilty of talking just to hear ourselves talk. Conversation is such an important part of a relationship, but if we are not careful, too much talking can actually hurt communication.
So, the third principle in being heard by your spouse is to Say it Briefly! The writer of Proverbs says it this way. In the 10th chapter and the 19th verse, Solomon says, "When there are many words, transgression is unavoidable, but he who restrains his lips is wise." Quiet confidence is attractive. People who talk too much give the impression they are trying to convince themselves of what they are saying as well as convince the ones that they are talking to. Proverbs 17:27 says, 'Someone who is sure of himself doesn't talk all the time.' Prove to be wise and sure of yourself and say it briefly if you want others to listen. Communication is important, but empty, excessive words actually hurt communication.
Next time..... Principle #4 - Say it Thoughtfully
Blessings to you.....
Gary and Kristin

Great Marriage Experience in Orlando, FL

This weekend we had our 3rd Great Marriage Experience conference of the year at Windermere Community Church in Orlando, FL. These conferences just get better and better! The church was a great host and the volunteers were amazing! Even though it was 95 degrees and our bookstore, lunch and break was outside under the pavilion, no one seemed to care or maybe they're just used to sticky hot weather.

Before every conference, Gary and Barb fine tune their message just a little bit making sure it is just right. It's a fine balance to speak in a large setting and give practical information but also challenge listeners in a way that has them going home digging for more. The sessions cover topics such as 6 Secrets to Lasting Love, Sex in a Godly Marriage, Intimacy, Date with a Purpose and Conflict Resolution.

I will never forget this conference because we had a couple get married at the very end. You are probably thinking... isn't this a marriage conference? Aren't couples supposed to be married? Not necessarily. We have engaged couples and even singles that come to our one day conferences all the time. Don't worry... this couple was already engaged and called Windermere to see if getting married after the conference was a possibility. We agreed and the couple's pastor and wife came with several other couples. As soon as the conference was over, they tied the knot. It was a great marriage conference experience!

My new title - Event Coordinator/Wedding Planner

Biblical View of Money

It is interesting to notice that half of the parables of Jesus recorded in the Gospels deal with money and possessions. In fact, Jesus said more about money than about heaven and hell combined. There are about 500 verses in the Bible dealing with prayer and about 500 verses dealing on faith, whereas there are over 2000 verses in the Bible concerning money and possessions. Check out the following topics.

• God the provider for our needs - Matthew 6:31-33
• Being good stewards of what God provides - Genesis 1:28
• Debt and how to handle it - Psalm 37:21, Proverbs 3:27-28
• Cosigning loans - Proverbs 6:1-5
• The acquisition of money by work - Proverbs 6:6-9
• Being ethical in our financial dealings - Deuteronomy 5:19-21, Proverbs 10:2
• Saving - Proverbs 21:20
• Investing - Proverbs 21:5, Matthew 25:14-29
• Inheritances - Numbers 27: 8-11, Proverbs 13:22
• Giving to God - Genesis 28:22, Matthew 23:23-25
• Giving to others - Deuteronomy 18:1-5, Proverbs 28:27

The basic concern of the Bible seems to be with our attitude toward money. Greed and love of money are particularly addressed. Paul warns Timothy that "the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil" (1 Timothy 6:10). In his letters to the Ephesians and the Colossians, Paul equates greed with idolatry (Ephesians 5:5, Colossians 3:5). In the story of the rich young ruler, we see that the ruler's love of money stood in the way of his following Christ (Matthew 19:16-22) And Jesus taught, "Be on your guard against all kinds of greed; a man's life does not consist in the abundance of his possessions" (Luke 12:14).

The society we live in has a much more complicated economic system than societies had in Bible times. However, it is plain to see that the principles of scripture are just as applicable today.

Indescribable Love

"The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight
in you. He will quiet you with his love. He will rejoice over you with singing."
~ Zephaniah 3:17

We recently had our first grandbaby, Morgan Lily. What a joy!!! The first time I saw her, I was amazed at how instantly we had such a deep love for her. I found myself looking at all the details of her little face, her hands and her feet. It's crazy how you can hold and love on other people's babies and it be such a fun experience, but to hold this baby was nothing I have ever experienced before. I could not get enough of her because she was "ours." I found myself being welled up with a desire to form a protective mold over her because I want no harm to ever come to her, yet I know that life is full of ups and downs and I will never be able to fully protect her from some of life's hurts. As I think about the picture of Morgan, I see the picture of God and his incredible love and protection for me. When I was born, God looked at me with the same eyes that I look at Morgan. He looked at my fingers, my toes and every detail of my face and He fell in love with me before I was even born. No matter what Morgan does in her life, there is nothing that could take my love for her away. That love was decided before she was born.

If I could love our baby that much, then how much does God love me? Morgan is in St. Louis and we are in Shreveport, but every night we get to watch her on our webcam. I find myself singing to her and talking to her every chance I get so that she will know my voice. I believe that, in that same way, God wants us to know his voice so that when life gets difficult, only His voice can quiet us. In order for God's voice to calm us, we must spend enough time with Him in order to recognize that voice. In closing, in a marriage, it is so important that we realize how much God loves us individually so that we, in turn, may love others. How long has it been since you allowed God's voice to calm you?

Bad Mood

This week I took a phone call from a lady that is considering Festivals of Marriage at Ridgecrest this fall. I could tell immediately the concern she had for her husband and his work.

She said "my husband is under a lot of stress at work-facing deadlines and personality issues. He comes home all the time grouchy and it gets worse as the evening progresses. I want to be sympathetic, but at the same time I want to tell him to calm down. How can I gently do that?"

Wow! Talk about pressure. It's your move Mark and she is waiting... I kept thinking about the times I've gone home guilty of the same thing and now I'm giving counsel to this subject? Uh oh...

Here's the bottom line - all families face this kind of problem some time or another. The question we need to ask ourselves is this a short term or long term problem?

If this is a short term situation, let's consider the following: We all go through times at work and home that creates pressures and problems that will affect our spouse, family and friends. If this lady's husband is going through a short term situation (less than 6 months), he may just need understanding, time and a little space to get through it. The hardest part is being patient with your husband. Go slow giving any guilt. Nevertheless, be honest when he says something hurtful or when he is frustrating you. Try not to make things feel abnormal. And remind yourself (and sometimes him as well) that it will get better.

If the situation has gone longer than 6 months it needs a more serious response. Look to a pastor, small group leader, or trusted Christian friend. It may be good for your husband to receive counsel regarding career or personal issues. Encourage him to seek it. It is always good to receive an outside perspective from a trusted source. It may lead to a job change that neither of you could see because you're on the inside. Keep in mind that most guys don't care to see a counselor for whatever reason. Encourage him nonetheless. People in unhappy work situations for long periods of time can be helped a lot by making changes even when those changes bring short term pain.

Be there by his side. Tough decisions will need to be made (together) but in the end you will grow closer towards each other and most importantly to God.

What would you say to this person?