ParentLife Blog

Faith Differences

What if only one parent is a Christian and the other parent has very different beliefs? ParentLife has a monthly department "Single Parent Life" that addresses the needs of single parents. This month ParentLife writer, Tammy Bennentt, asked this question about parents with different beliefs. See her practical helps below that will help any family dealing with faith differences.

This question is common, not just after divorce, but in traditional families as well. Many times a mom and dad have been raised with different belief systems, or they may have a change of belief later in life. One parent who used to attend church and confess to be a Christian then decides this is no longer true for him. With divorce, there is a high level of frustration that happens to Christians who, unfortunately, may feel judged or isolated by their church because outsiders do not understand or agree with the reasons for the divorce. And there is the all-too common concern of a believer who may become angry or distant toward God because he wanted God to save his marriage and it ended anyway. There are many reasons a person might decide to turn his back on God after divorce — or even before divorce. If you are coparenting with someone who finds himself frustrated and confused about his beliefs, here are a few suggestions.

Remember the most important impact you have. What your child sees in your daily living will speak louder to him than anything. You cannot control what the other parent believes or what happens related to church when your child is with the other parent. What you can do is be the Christian example you want for your child to become. This does not mean being a perfect person or a perfect parent; it simply means letting your whole life radiate Christ and His love and life lived out through you! Years and years of this example will stand strong as a foundation to the faith being built in your child.

Pray for the other parent. Sincerely and fervently pray for the other parent but do not confuse prayer with control. It is not your job to fix or change the other parent. It was not your job when you were married and it certainly is not your job now. The power of a praying parent can reap invisible but valuable rewards — for your child and for the other parent.

Do not openly criticize the other parent. There is a big difference between criticizing the other parent’s beliefs and having neutral conversation with your child about lifestyles, belief systems, and faith. Always be available to listen to your child’s thoughts and be prepared for these “deep talks” at the most unexpected times. If you badmouth the other parent with hopes of getting your child to “side with” you, it will probably backfire! Not only will he feel the need to protect the other parent and stand up for him, he will likely begin to resent you (silently) and a wedge will build between you and your child.

Be respectful. The words your child hears you speak about the other parent will be life or death to his soul. Choose words of life so your child can live — find other details (besides religion) that you can point out that are good and positive about his other parent and say them aloud to your child.

Find an appropriate support system. Find an outlet to talk to another adult or counselor about these concerns and problems, but do not process these with your child. Be the parent and let him be the kid.

Enlist a leader at your church. Depending on the age of your child, enlist the leader for his age group and have an honest dialogue with that leader about your concerns. Encourage your child to spend time with that leader, outside of regular church activity time, to develop the friendship. Many times the extra outside voices you help cultivate with your child can be the best influence ever! It also can allow your child to have someone objective to bounce ideas off, ask questions, and to talk about the differences they see between his parents’ beliefs without the worry of hurting feelings or making a parent angry.

No matter the other parents’ beliefs, be the example your kids can follow!

Tammy G. Bennett, The Coparenting Coach, is the founder of Christian CoParenting. She and her daughter, Angelia, live in Nashville, Tennessee. For free e-newletters and resources, see www.ChristianCoParenting.com.

Recommended Reading: Spiritually Single Moms: Raising Godly Kids When Dad Doesn’t Believe by Nancy Sebastian Meyer (Navpress, 2007)

Preteens & Cell Phone Safety

After much soul searching, we bought our preteen son a cell phone for Christmas. We have put all kinds of limits on its use. He has never taken it to school or to church. In fact, we bought it primarily for him to take with him for any overnight trips when he is away from us. Additionally, we blocked use of the Internet and texting on his phone.

Many parents are worried about cell phone use. Stories abound of teens who have gotten in trouble for sexting, sending sexual messages or photos via cell phone. Recently we received these tips for parents who are worried about cell phone issues such as sexting, bullying, and sexual predators.

1. Learn the lingo. Learn the pre-established acronyms like LOL, TTYL, and BRB.
   
2. Invade their text space. Text your kids constantly so they consider their phone a space where you are present and watching.
   
3. Set “no-text” times and other boundaries. Don’t allow kids to text constantly; they shouldn’t text at the dinner table and a curfew should be set. Clearly set boundaries of what is inappropriate.
   
4. Limit use. Choose a plan that keeps track of how many texts can be sent and received.
   
5. Read text faces. Just like verbal communication, nonverbal cues are important. Text faces help you tell if someone is disturbed or joking.
   
6. Monitor other messaging forums.  Sexting doesn’t start and end with texting. Monitor IMs, e-mails, photos, and other digital forums.

For more about preteens and cell phones, read the 9 to 12 Years Growth Spurt "Can I Have a Cell Phone?" in the January 2010 issue of ParentLife.

 At what age will you buy your preteen or teen a phone?

*Information provided by Predicto Mobile.

Challenges & Blessings

If you know me at all, you know that I don't cook ... especially on the weekends. So eating out most meals on the weekend has become a habit. A habit that is about to dramatically change. Our 18-month-old, Jack, is getting to the age where it is difficult to go out to eat with him. Sunday was a perfect example. 

One of my favorite burger places opened a new location in our town, and I was super excited. We decided to try it out on Sunday after church ... our first mistake for two reasons:

1. The restaurant had only been open a couple of weeks and apparently everyone had the very same idea we did. It was packed!
2. Sunday lunch is not Jack's best time. He's hungry, exhausted, and ready for a nap. (In case you are wondering why we don't head straight home for this reason, we eat somewhere close to church to ensure Jack gets lunch before falling asleep on the way home.)

When we saw the crowd, we were tempted to turn around and head somewhere else, but I was determined we were going to make it work. I really wanted that burger! The trouble started when we realized there were no available high chairs. We tried just having him sit in a big chair and on our laps with no success. Luckily, by the time our food arrived, a high chair became available. However, by that time, Jack had reached his limit. He began screaming and pointing at random things on the table. I would offer him the things he was pointing at (his drink, a bite of his lunch, etc.), but nothing seemed to help. He just kept screaming and randomly pointing. We tried to calm him down for what seemed like an eternity. (Luckily, it's a very loud restaurant so I'm thinking we didn't disturb those around us too terribly much.) I was getting ready to make a quick exit if necessary. Finally ... in an act of desperation, I offered Jack a french fry! (I know, I know ... a terrible choice ... but like I said ... I was desperate!) That apparently was what he had wanted all along. (Not sure why that didn't occur to me earlier. I guess I was in denial ... only offering him the better choices.)  We were able to speed through the rest of our lunch offering Jack a steady supply of french fries!

So ... what exactly did I take away from this experience? As a parent embarking on this new phase of toddlerhood, I am reminded of how each new phase has its unique challenges but also its many blessings. We may not be able to eat out as often as we used to, but it is amazing to watch Jack as he learns new things every day and is beginning to show so much personality! I'm also amazed at how sacrificies (such as not eating out, being too tired to stay up late, and not getting to sleep in) don't really feel like sacrifices in light of the tremendous blessing that our little man is! It makes me hesitant and excited all at the same time to see what each new phase of Jack's life brings!

What are the challenges and blessings that you are facing in your child's particular phase of development? Share your thoughts with us. 

Keys to Safety

Keeping your infant or toddler safe from harm is a difficult job. Many dangers lurk even in your own home. But there are things you can do to reduce the chances of accidents. Keep the following keys to safety in mind.

• Never underestimate your child’s ability. Be safe rather than sorry.
• Stay one step ahead of your child by thinking ahead to what she might get into next.
• Emphasize safety in all you do with your child. For example, point out traffic signals that tell you it is safe to cross the street.
• Be a model of safe behavior. Always wear safety belts, bike helmets, life jackets, etc.
• Never leave your young child unattended.
• Take safety precautions in your home. Keep medicines and cleaning products locked away.
• Make sure activities are age appropriate.
• Keep emergency phone numbers posted in the home and saved in your cell phone.
• If your child has an allergy or medical condition, such as asthma, epilepsy, or diabetes, make sure she has a medic-alert bracelet or necklace.

For even more child safety information, be sure to read the Growth Spurts article "Child Safety" in the January 2010 issue of ParentLife.  
 

Fun Friday Photo -- January 29, 2010

Sammy is enjoying a "hat hair" kind of day!

Thanks to Becky W. for this great photo!

Photos wanted! Send us your funny, cute, or just plain fun pictures for our Fun Friday Photos. Each Friday we will post a new "Fun Friday Photo." E-mail your photo and a suggested caption describing the photo to parentlife@lifeway.com. Visit the blog each Friday to see if your photo was chosen!

Fun Friday Photo -- January 22, 2010

Morgan and Mayci enjoying the winter snow!

Thanks to Jeanne F. for this great photo!

Photos wanted! Send us your funny, cute, or just plain fun pictures for our Fun Friday Photos. Each Friday we will post a new "Fun Friday Photo." E-mail your photo and a suggested caption describing the photo to parentlife@lifeway.com. Visit the blog each Friday to see if your photo was chosen!

Blog Feedback

The ParentLife staff strives to bring you relevant, practical content both in the printed magazine and on our blog. In order to do a better job, we would love to get your feedback. Leave us a comment with answers to the following four questions and help us make the blog better meet your needs!

1. How often do you visit the blog?
2. How often would you like to see new content on the blog?
3. What kind of content would you like to see on the blog?
4. Is there a guest parent blogger you would like to see us feature?

And don't forget ... by leaving a comment on the blog anytime in the month of January, you are entered for our January giveaway -- a 1-year subscription to ThreeJars.com.

*LifeWay employees are not eligible for this giveaway. Multiple comments do not increase chances of winning.

Haiti Disaster Relief

We have been so moved by scenes of the Haiti earthquake and the call to action that has gone out from Christians everywhere. If you are looking for a place to give, we recommend the work of the International Mission Board. The following is an information release on their disaster relief efforts.

Southern Baptists are mobilizing to assess disaster relief needs after the largest earthquake in more than 200 years rocked Haiti the evening of Jan. 12. The initial Southern Baptist disaster relief effort will be led by Florida Baptists, who have had ministry relationships in Haiti for more than 20 years and currently have six staff members who live and work in the country, said Jim Brown, U.S. director for Baptist Global Response (BGR), a Southern Baptist relief and development organization. The International Mission Board does not have long-term personnel stationed in the country.

Initial funding for the relief effort will be provided by the IMB’s disaster relief fund which operates on a “dollar in, dollar out” basis, which means that 100% of the money donated is used to provide disaster relief. Contributions to the relief effort can be made online at gobgr.org.

Apart from donating to the disaster relief effort via gobgr.org, you can help greatly by joining in focused prayer for Haiti’s 9 million people, more than 80 percent of whom live below the poverty line, said David Brown, who with his wife, Jo, directs BGR work in the Americas.

To see the full article, go to http://www.imb.org/main/news/details.asp?StoryID=8281&LanguageID=1709.

Who else do you recommend and trust for their good work in Haiti?

Cold, Allergies, or Flu?

January is right in the middle of full-blown flu season, but it is often hard to tell if your child is suffereing from a cold, allergies or the flu. How can you tell the difference?

• Allergies. In general, allergy symptoms are not accompanied by a fever, mucus is clear in color, muscles do not ache, and symptoms occur at the same times each year. Allergies usually can be treated with medication, but if severe, a doctor may order an allergy screening and shots. The chronic mucus from allergies occasionally causes complications such as a sinus or ear infection.
• Common Cold. Most adults get thecommon cold two to five times each year, children even more often. Symptoms such as stuffy nose, sneezing, and sore throat can last as long as nine days. Antibiotics cannot cure the common cold. Antibiotics are only used when a cold turns into a sinus, ear, or other infection or when the sickness is bacterial in nature (such as strep throat), not viral. Ask your doctor what remedies are safest to treat the uncomfortable symptoms of a child’s cold.
• Flu. Influenza, like the common cold, is caused by a virus. It is accompanied by a high fever that lasts three to four days and by strong symptoms such as severe coughing and exhaustion. New antiviral medications taken at the start of symptoms can shorten the flu considerably. Ask your doctor whether getting the annual flu shot is right for your family.

If your child has difficulty breathing; a persistent high fever; severe headache; painful swallowing; deep cough; or thick, colored congestion, seek medical attention. These could indicate a bacterial infection that requires prescription antibiotics.

For lots of helpful, practical ways for preventing illness, be sure not to miss Kristen White's article "Keeping It Clean" in the January 2010 issue of ParentLife.

Pet Allergies

Thinking about adopting a pet? If so, be sure not to miss Christi McGuire's article "Can We Keep Him?" in the January 2010 issue of ParentLife. However, approximately 10 percent of people are allergic to animals. If someone in your family suffers from allergies, be cautious when choosing a pet. Consider the following tips.

• Choose pets that do not have hair, fur, or dander.
• Know that large fish aquariums can add humidity to your home, causing molds and dust mites to increase.
• Be aware that turtles can spread salmonella (a highly contagious bacterial disease).
• Keep animals outside or at least out of the bedroom of the allergic child.
• Do not hug, kiss, bathe, or pet animals if you are allergic.
• Restrict indoor pets to only a few rooms.
• Use a central air cleaner to remove large amounts of pet allergens from your home.
• Vacuum carpets and rugs often.
• Wash the pet with water often.
• Contact your child’s pediatrician if you suspect your child developing an allergy to animals.

Do you have a child who suffers from pet allergies? What kind of pets do you have? Do you have any tips for families looking to adopt a pet?

Fun Friday Photo -- January 15, 2010

Abigail says, "Are you listening, Mr. Butterfly?"

Thanks to Kelly M. for this great photo!

Photos wanted! Send us your funny, cute, or just plain fun pictures for our Fun Friday Photos. Each Friday we will post a new "Fun Friday Photo." E-mail your photo and a suggested caption describing the photo to parentlife@lifeway.com. Visit the blog each Friday to see if your photo was chosen!

Are You SAD?

Each month in ParentLife, Dr. Linda Mintle answers your questions in our "Real Life Solutions" department. This month we have an extra Q&A just for you about the wintertime blues.

Q: I am so tired during the day and very irritable with my two children. I can’t concentrate. I’m gaining weight and crave carbohydrates. My children keep asking me why I seem so sad, and my husband has noticed the irritability as well. Usually this mood change happens to me in the winter. I just want to sleep and get away from my kids. Any ideas as to why this is happening?

Facebook Profiling: Express Yourself!

Have you read Kelly Mize's article "Parenting by the (Face) Book" in the January 2010 issue of ParentLife? If not, be sure not to miss it! She covers the ins and outs of social networking. 

Are you considering joining Facebook, but aren't sure where to start? Consider the following tips.

• The profile information section shows what people will see. Begin by filling out the info that will help people identify you — Basic, Education, Work, and Picture.
• Having a profile picture makes it easier for friends to identify you, especially if you have a common name. Pictures, like other information on Facebook can be changed easily. Click on the photo icon at the bottom of your profile page to upload or change photos.
• To edit your profile at any time, click on the “Edit Information” link at the upper right corner of your Basic Info or click on the “edit” icons on the upper right corner of each of your profile fields. Filling out your Education and Work Info is especially helpful since it enables your former classmates and co-workers to find you when they search.

What do you think about social networking? Do you participate? What are the benefits and disadvantages? Do you find it helpful as a parent?

The Bigger Picture -- Help for Single Parents

Tammy G. Bennett, known as the Coparenting Coach, offers help for single parents in our January 2010 "Single Parent Life" department. If you find yourself in a coparenting situation that causes your child to have to choose between two churches, Tammy has more help for you.

Why do you, as a single parent, take your child to church? Is it with aspirations that one day he will ask Christ into his heart? Are you hoping your child will love God and follow His will for his life? Are you planting seeds of God’s Word into his soul so his adult life will have faith as a true foundation?

Before addressing “what about church,” I challenge you to zoom out and think about the bigger picture. Your child will learn more about God from watching you than he will from attending church. Your passions shape your child’s values. He is watching how you worship and read your Bible, and from that he is learning how to love God. You must be the Christ-follower that you want your child to become. You cannot leave it to Sunday School teachers. Your child’s faith will be formed by watching you. What does he see?

Does he actually see you reading your Bible? Does he hear you pray? Do you enjoy worship music at home or in the car together as a family? Are you talking about your child’s life concerns and offering Christ-based solutions? Are you asking him “What would Jesus do?” Or are you shipping him off to church and hoping someone else will do that?

It is your real-life example, as a godly single parent, that will be engraved upon his soul forever. Yes, there are outside influences that can be a positive addition to this journey (pastors, Christian peers, etc); however, lifelong faith begins at home.

In the case of children of divorced families, both the mother’s influence and the father’s influence are equally important. Children need to hear their parents’ voices on spiritual issues. Some single parents may want to leave it to ‘the other parent’ to be the spiritual leader or example; however, children look to both parents for answers. No matter the disappointments of the past, a single parent who is sold out for Christ can have the most significant impact on her child’s lifelong view of God. Whatever circumstances that have created your “single parent” journey should not keep you from going after God with your whole heart and life! God can use it all, every detour and difficulty.

If you feel your example has been ruined because of divorce, don't lose hope! If a child can watch his single parent consistently seeking after God, year after year, no matter the difficulties or mistakes, that one parent’s example will create a firm foundation that will outlast any pain. Giving God center stage in a single-parent household is more important than how many times a week you go to church or which parent the child goes to church with. Church is a secondary solution. A Christ-centered single-parent household is first!

Be sure to check out “Single Parent Life” in the January 2010 issue of ParentLife where we discuss: What do you do when your child has two churches?
 

Infant Choking First Aid

I can't think of anything scarier than my child being in danger! In our Birth-1 year old Growth Spurt in the January issue of ParentLife, we deal with infants and choking. The following are some specific choking guidelines from the National Institutes of Health and Medline Plus.

Choking First Aid - Infant Under 1 Year
Choking is when an infant can't breathe because food, a toy, or other object is blocking the airway (throat or windpipe).

Considerations
A choking infant's airway may be completely or partially blocked. A complete blockage is a medical emergency. A partial obstruction can quickly become life threatening if the infant loses the ability to breathe in and out sufficiently. Without oxygen, permanent brain damage can occur in as little as 4 minutes. Rapid first aid for choking can save a life.

Causes
Choking in an infant is usually caused by inhaling a small object that she has placed in her mouth, such as a button, coin, balloon, toy part, or watch battery.

Symptoms
The danger signs of choking are:

• Bluish skin color
• Difficulty breathing - ribs and chest pull inward
• Loss of consciousness if blockage is not cleared
• Inability to cry or make much sound
• Weak, ineffective coughing
• Soft or high-pitched sounds while inhaling

First Aid
DO NOT perform these steps if the infant is coughing forcefully or has a strong cry – either of which can dislodge the object on its own.

1. Lay the infant face down, along your forearm. Use your thigh or lap for support. Hold the infant's chest in your hand and jaw with your fingers. Point the infant's head downward, lower than the body.
2. Give up to 5 quick, forceful blows between the infant's shoulder blades. Use the heel of your free hand.

IF THE OBJECT ISN'T FREE AFTER 5 BLOWS

1. Turn the infant face up. Use your thigh or lap for support. Support the head.
2. Place 2 fingers on the middle of his breastbone just below the nipples.
3. Give up to 5 quick thrusts down, compressing the chest 1/3 to 1/2 the depth of the chest.
4. Continue this series of 5 back blows and 5 chest thrusts until the object is dislodged or the infant loses consciousness.

IF THE INFANT LOSES CONSCIOUSNESS
If the child becomes unresponsive, stops breathing, or turns blue:

• Shout for help.
• Give infant CPR. Call 911 after one minute of CPR.
• If you can see the object blocking the airway, try to remove it with your finger. Try to remove an object only if you can see it.

Please visit their Web site for further information and to see illustrations along with these steps and intructions by clicking here.

Fun Friday Photo -- January 8th, 2010

Joshua enjoying swinging!

 Thanks to Brian D. for this great photo!

Photos wanted! Send us your funny, cute, or just plain fun pictures for our Fun Friday Photos. Each Friday we will post a new "Fun Friday Photo." E-mail your photo and a suggested caption describing the photo to parentlife@lifeway.com. Visit the blog each Friday to see if your photo was chosen!

How to Keep Your Kids Well

We all want to keep our kids well. What is the number one doctor recommended advice for keeping your kids well? Wash your hands! Here's a reminder of the steps to teach your children in learning to wash hands.

• Wet your hands with warm water.

• Put soap on your hands. (It does not have to be antibacterial soap; regular bar soap is fine if you use a soap holder that drains.)

• Rub your hands with lots of friction for the length of the ABC song — palms, tops of hands, between fingers, under fingernails, and up your wrists a few inches.

• Rinse with warm water. (In public places, check the water temperature before putting your child’s hands under it. At home, make sure the water heater is not set so high that it can scald your child if she turns only the hot water faucet on.)

• Dry hands well with a clean cloth or dryer.

• If you are in a public place, use the paper towel you dry your hands with to turn off the faucet and open the door.

For more information about keeping your kids well this winter, check out the article "Keeping It Clean: Take Action to Prevent Illness" in the January 2010 issue of ParentLife.

Have your kids stayed well this winter? What's your secret for good health?

Money-Saving Web Sites

Everyone likes to save money, right? The Web is packed with tons of money-saving Web sites. The following sites are just a sampling of the sites we thought you might find most helpful!

True Confessions

In this month's editorial, I took a moment to confess the fact that I am a self-proclaimed "Facebookaholic" ... meaning I am addicted to the social networking site Facebook! Facebook has become a part of my everyday life. Even right this moment, I have a tab up in my browser on Facebook and am fighting the urge to check it.

But in all honesty, I feel that social networking has been very helpful to me as a fairly new parent. Through Facebook, I have been able to ask questions of other parents I trust and get immediate feedback. It has been a great place to get people's opinions on everything from the newest children's products to kid-friendly vacation destinations. But it has also been a source of encouragement and prayer

I do find myself wondering, What did parents do before Facebook? Where did they go for advice and encouragement? It is a silly thought. The truth is parents have always needed the support and encouragement of others that have been where they are. Social networking simply makes it easier (and faster) to get it!

Are you into social networking? If so, be sure to connect with ParentLife. Become a Facebook fan of ParentLife at www.facebook.com/parentlife. Or follow us on Twitter at www.twitter.com/parentlife.

Also, be sure not to miss Kelly Mize's article "Parenting by the (Face) Book" in the January 2010 issue of ParentLife.

Whether you are into social networking or not, where do you find encouragement and support as a parent? How can ParentLife better provide the needed support? Leave us a comment and let us know!

January Giveaway

It's hard to believe that a brand new year is upon us! With a new year often comes new goals! Do you have any New Year's resolutions? I am confident that finance-related goals are at the top of many of your lists.

Bad money management habits are hard to change, so the key is to start teaching your children healthy money management skills early. Our January blog giveaway just might be the service you need to help your child! This month we are giving away one 1-year subscription to ThreeJars.com.

ThreeJars.com is an innovative modern allowance system that lets kids earn, track, and use their own money online. With this online service, you set an allowance limit for your child and decide how his allowance will be divvied-up between Save, Spend, and Share jars. Your child manages his own account, but your approval is required for all financial decisions.

• Save — Your child can boost his savings by earning interest from you, encouraging the savings habit.
• Spend — He can spend his money by requesting cash or gift cards.
• Share — He can share money too, by making donations to charities of your choice on or off the ThreeJars.com site. (Don't forget to teach the importance of tithing using the "Share" jar.)

Stop by ThreeJars.com for more details about how this allowance system works.

Everyone* who posts a comment on our blog during the month of January will be entered to win one 1-year subscription to ThreeJars.com

*LifeWay employees are not eligible for this giveaway. Multiple comments do not increase chances of winning.

Does your child get an allowance? How are you teaching your child about money management?