For Single Parents
Have you noticed our monthly "Single Parent Life" department in ParentLife lately? This month we had part one of an article on single parents and dating. Now we are continuing the article on our blog. Check out these tips for single parents considering dating again from Tammy G. Bennett, The Coparenting Coach.
You’re a “package deal.” Please always remember that your kids come first right now. Unfortunately, sometimes lonely parents think more about their desire to date than to care for their children. I had one friend tell me her single mom always told her new boyfriends that “We are a package deal” and it helped her feel sure her mom would never forget her, even when she had a new boyfriend. Never make your new dating partner the priority over your children.
When to introduce the kids? Children of divorce have already experienced multiple losses, don’t allow your desire for companionship to overshadow the wisdom that experts give on this topic. No, it might not be convenient or easy to keep the kids from meeting your new friend; however, unless it is a very serious relationship, it is not fair to bring the children into the relationship because the last thing they need is another person to come and go from their world. Avoid the “revolving door” by not introducing kids until at least six months have passed.
Be intentional about affection. What are your boundaries? Decide ahead of time what you feel is appropriate. Don’t wait until you begin your first kiss to decide “how far is too far.” My suggestion – no sex until marriage; I truly believe God’s design is the best! Be clear with anyone you are dating (in the beginning) where you stand on the issue of purity.
Make purity a priority. Talk about purity upfront, don’t wait until you’re in the moment to try and say where the boundaries are. If you value your own purity make it known. If the other person does not want to continue dating for that reason, be thankful! Your heart will thank you and though your body may feel frustration, remember there is so much more at stake now than ever before! The old saying, “True love waits” is completely true! If someone loves you, they will wait. Trust God while you wait.
Have you healed? Has he/she healed? Is the person you are considering dating healed? If you are a few years past your divorce and the other person is just fresh from their own, it is not a good idea to take that on. If God wants you two together, He will keep you both until the time is right. Protect yourself and your children from someone else’s baggage so that, ideally, you will both be at a stable and healthy place before you dive into a relationship. The first year is important for healing, not dating.
What is their coparenting relationship with their former spouse? When you date someone with children be wise and look at the bigger picture, not just who the person is when they are with you, but who are they in relation to their former spouse? What does the person say about their former spouse in front of their children? Are they still stuck in unresolved anger or do they put their kids in the middle? (These would all be red flags because those issues will become a huge part if you were to marry this person.) If you marry someone with children, you marry into the equation, including their ex.
Group date. Explore the idea of group dating as a way to get to know each other around others. At least once a month intentionally plan a group date or double date.
Date at least 2 years. The first seven months to a year is considered the ‘honeymoon phase’ and if you can keep the relationship alive and growing for two years it will have the potential to be a fulfilling life mate.
Take pre-engagement classes Make the investment of time and resources to attend a seminar or series of counseling sessions to discuss issues before getting engaged. Since the divorce rate is so high for second marriages, do everything you can to counter act that statistic. The counseling resource “PREPARE” is an excellent series that is only eight classes long. Attending these eight sessions before getting engaged is an ideal way to process the idea of remarriage. Waiting to do this one month before the wedding is not ideal since most people will decide to ignore red flags once the news is out and the dress is bought. Better to take extensive measures now to avoid more pain later. (See SuccessfulStepfamilies.org for books, CDs, DVDs and more!)
Know when to end a relationship. Just because you have some things in common, if you get to the place of knowing it’s not the right fit, end it. The more prolonged the relationship, the more difficult it will be on yourself and especially the children.
Overall, may you find your First Love in Christ and a new love when the time is right. In the meantime, enjoy your children, hug them close, don’t ever take one minute with them for granted. Remember, you are still a family with your children and more than a new stepparent they need you to be the very best parent!
Proverbs 3:5-6 “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. Acknowledge Him in all your ways and He will make straight your paths.”
Tammy G. Bennett, The Coparenting Coach, is the founder of Christian CoParenting. She and her daughter, Angelia, live in Nashville, TN. For free e-newletters and resources, see www.ChristianCoParenting.com.
Please let us know other single parenting and stepparenting topics you would like to see us cover in ParentLife.
