ParentLife Blog

How Being a Good Girl Affects Our Parenting Style by Emily P. Freeman

I'm excited to introduce Emily Freeman, author of Chatting at the Sky and the book Grace for the Good Girl. I truly enjoyed and was challenged by reading her book a few months ago. I hope you'll consider grabbing a copy after you read her words here.

I’ve been a good girl most of my life. If there was a rule, I followed it. If there was a rebellion, I avoided it. If I experienced heartache, pain, or brokenness, I did my best to hide it.

One of my great motivators as a good girl all those years was fear—fear of failure, of being wrong, of letting other people down or of disappointing God.

And so when a woman who is afraid of living becomes a mother, you can imagine all the things that can go wrong. I was a great mom until I had kids. But having kids smoked the crazy right out of me. All the ways I had worked hard to control life stopped working.

So for the tired good girl moms who just want to raise good kids? You will never be more free then when you give up your right to be good and to raise good kids.
 

I know that sounds extreme. But if you’re a good girl like I was, then chances are your definition of good is laced with nauseating pleasantries, strict spiritual disciplines, and a religious view of God. Might I invite you do a different way to parent?

Don’t confuse her behavior with her identity.  This is of the biggest mistakes I make as a parent. It is so important to encourage our kids in their identity as individuals and in Christ rather than try to shame them into better behavior. It may be true that she is acting irresponsibly. But better to call the choice an irresponsible one or the behavior irresponsible rather than to say that she is irresponsible. The goal is to empower, not to shame.

Connect with her heart rather than manage her outcomes.  Good girls like to check things off lists. But parenting can’t be put in an outline. My girls are only seven, but I’ve been a mama long enough to know that seven turns into seventeen all too quickly. And we can’t really control a bit of it. The sooner we trade our manager hat for the mystery of Christ, the better off we’ll be.

Be led by love rather than pushed by fear.  Fear pushes me to make sure they don’t throw fits, to control and demand for the sake of my reputation. But love makes a different choice. Remember what Love did. Even though He knew they would choose the wrong one, God still put two trees in the Garden. He could have just put the one, guaranteeing they never messed up. But a choice with no opportunity for failure isn’t really a choice, is it?

Our children need our faith, not our anxiety. They need our confident love, not our hovering fear. But they also need to see our weakness and then watch what we do with it.