ParentLife Blog

Volunteer Together!

Two weeks ago I attended a great parenting conference by the Family Matters organization — Tim Kimmel's "Raising Truly Great Kids" conference. In one section of the conference, he addressed families with relationship issues. I was impressed by Dr. Kimmel's advice for these families. He encourages them to do service projects together! He observed how serving others helped transform one's focus. Literally, it causes you to think about others and makes you thankful about the blessings you have. What great advice!

The holidays are a prime time to serve others: at church, in your community, and in your neighborhood. Parents who are not sure where to plug in or want to organize their own service project can rely on VolunteerSpot — a free, easy-to-use online tool that takes the hassle and headache out of coordinating volunteers and encourages everyone to get involved.

VolunteerSpot enables anyone to organize a group to sign up for any activity. Organizers can mobilize volunteers with an easy e-mail invitation. Automated e-mails remind folks of their commitments and schedule. No more mass “reply all” e-mails, late-night phone calls, dreaded clipboard sign-up sheets, or confusion over exactly who will be doing what.

VolunteerSpot also includes helpful tools for organizers looking for a little creative input or just plain inspiration, including free eBooks and an active blog featuring ideas and user suggestions for successful event planning.

 For more information, visit www.volunteerspot.com.

What service projects are you planning as a family in the coming weeks? Post your plans to inspire others!
 

The Art of Good Manners

It is never too early to teach your youngest family member how to be a gracious guest. As holiday gatherings approach, prepare your child with some manners. Encourage her to try the following.

• Look people in the eyes and say, “Hello.”
• Resist the temptation to complain — about the food, entertainment, or other guests.
• Say, “Thank you” when served food or beverages.
• Stay where the party is. Do not wander into rooms with closed doors.
• Clean up after yourself. Do not expect someone else to do it.
• Agreeably leave when Mom or Dad says it is time to go.
• Thank the host and hostess for inviting you.

For more about manners be sure and check out "The Art of Saying Thanks" by Kay Harms in the November 2009 issue of ParentLife. Also check out these books on manners!

Thinking About a Pet?

We had a tough last year with our pets. Our youngest pet, Tobey, was killed by a wild animal in a neighbor's yard. Our oldest cat, Samantha, had to be put to sleep because of mouth cancer. Aside from dealing with the loss of these dear pets and talking with our kids about their deaths, we soon found that we really wanted another pet. After 5 months, we finally decided on a cat, Charlie. He is a frisky tabby that we dearly love!

After talking with a rep from the ASCPA about a ParentLife article, we found that many families adopt pets at Christmastime. Our monthly Real Life Solutions writer, Dr. LInda Mintle, has some good advice for families considering getting a pet.

Q: Our 10-year-old daughter is begging us for a pet. I have two younger children and adding a pet to the mix feels overwhelming. However, my daughter desperately wants a pet and I am an animal lover. I am not sure about the added responsibility right now. What should we consider in making this decision?

A: Most children will beg you for a pet some time in their young lives. The main issues to consider are the child’s developmental stage and your expectations for taking care of a pet. Obviously a cat or dog would require care and attention — feeding, grooming, exercise, clean up, and more. Other pets, such as fish and guinea pigs, are less time and care intensive and good choices for younger children. They offer you an opportunity to see how committed to taking care of a pet your child really is and how long interest will be sustained. Go to the library and get a book about pet care. As a family, talk about the needs of a pet, what type of pet you may consider, and what the expectations would be. For example, certain dog breeds are more kid-friendly than others. Goldfish or hermit crab requires very little upkeep and expense. Visit a pet store and talk with a friend who has the kind of pet you are interested in to get a better idea of time and care issues.

Know that your child could lose interest in the pet after several weeks and you may end up with the responsibility. Schedule playdates with a friend who has a pet and see if the interest in the pet sustains over time. Decide what you can handle right now and do not be swayed by the begging.

Finally, consider the cost of owning a pet, family stability in terms of moves and housing, the demand of time and energy, and the possibility of the pet becoming a source of family conflict if people slack off on their responsibilities. The benefits of pet owning should be considered as well. Pets help teach a child structure, empathy, compassion, nurturing, loyalty, trust, and responsibility and provide companionship. Pets are also sources of unconditional love and dependability. Pets can improve mood and blood pressure, increase family exercise, and even reduce stress.

For more information on adopting a pet, visit aspca.org. Visit Dr. Linda Mintle at drlindahelps.com.

Do you have a pet? Tell us what kind of pet you have and why!

Remembering Heroes

I always find this stretch of November keeps my mind focused on those who have given so much — a time for remembering those who are heroes and who have contributed to making me who I am today. In this season of Thanksgiving, I want to take time to say "Thank you!"

Many of us don't think twice about celebrating November 1 as All Saint's Day. However, I always think of what this day was meant to celebrate — those people who are important in our spiritual growth — the saints like my parents, grandparents, and Sunday School teachers who showed me Jesus' love, read God's Word to me, and taught me about Jesus. They may never get their own day of recognition, but I will always honor the time, energy, and love they invested to me. Mom and Dad, thank you for all that you have invested in me!

And tomorrow is Veterans Day. I salute those who have served our country and sacrificed so much. My own Dad never saw service during wartime but served dutifully at Fort Bragg, where he met my mother. My grandfather and my wife's grandfather both served during World War 2 and battled in the South Pacific and Germany. For them, I am so thankful they served and got to hear their stories of why they fought — to protect the freedoms of those they love. Granddaddy Crayton, thank you for serving our country! I will continue to teach my children about those who have served and sacrificed so much for our freedom.

Who are some of the special people you would like to thank for their service to our country? Or who poured love and time into your life teaching you God's Word? Take time today to tell them how thankful you are for them!

Teaching Thankfulness

In the November issue of ParentLife, Kay Harms helps parents teach their children the art of saying thanks through thank-you notes. Be sure not to miss her practical tips for helping your child exercise gratitude!

For even more help, check out the following resources related to gratefulness and manners.

• Manners Made Easy for the Family by June Hines Moore (B&H, 2008)
• A Little Hero in the Making: Good Manners for the Young and Brave at Heart by Emilie Barnes and Michal Sparks (Harvest House, 2007)
• Everyday Graces: A Child’s Book of Good Manners by Karen Santorum (ISI Books, 2003)
• I’m Thankful™ Journal by Sue Lundquist (www.imthankful.com)

How do you teach your children manners? Do you have any great tips to share with ParentLife readers?

What If I Blow It?

In the November 2009 issue of ParentLife, Bob Bunn, editor of Living With Teenagers, sets out to help you establish boundaries to help your preteen flourish by talking about healthy discipline. Every parent has messed up in the area of discipline before. So what do you do if you make a discipline mistake? Here is what Bob has to say!

What If I Blow It?

You are going to mess up discipline at some point. You will get angry when you should be operating with a calm spirit or the consequences you deal out will be more extreme than the action deserves. So what happens when you blow it? Here are three ideas drawn from research and personal experience.

• Apologize. If you stepped out of line with an adult, you probably would not have much trouble admitting it and asking forgiveness. Adopt that same attitude with your preteen. You are not perfect, and she does not expect you to be. So do the right thing and apologize. In addition to rebuilding the relationship, showing a humble spirit in this way provides a great lesson for your child in her future relationships.
• Determine what you will do differently next time. If your original attempt falls flat, think through your missteps and determine a better way to approach the situation. You probably have heard it said that people do not plan to fail, they just fail to plan. When it comes to mistakes in discipline, make sure you plan for a better future.
• Do it! It is one thing to create a strategy, but if you never put it into practice, it does not do any good. Be intentional and stick with your plan.

Have you ever had to aplogize to your preteen for a mistake you made? What discipline struggles do you face as the parent of a preteen?

Thanksgiving -- Just Around the Corner

It is hard to believe that it is already November and that Thanksgiving is just around the corner. Thanksgiving is a holiday to do exactly what the name implies — to give thanks! But why do we need a holiday to remind us to give thanks?

We often get so busy that we forget how much we have to be thankful for. I know I am guilty of taking my many blessings for granted (even just in the past few weeks). So it is nice to have this special time during the year to slow down, take some deep breaths, and focus on giving thanks.

I personally have so much to be thankful for. My husband, Jason, has always been a fabulous husband, but over the past 16 months, he also has become an amazing father. Our son, Jack, brings joy to our lives each and every day. We have fantastic extended family on both sides ... and most of them live close enough to be involved in our daily lives. Jack definitely has the best grandparents in the world! We have a beautiful home in a lovely town and a circle of fun, supportive friends. Jason and I both have jobs we love for companies that make a difference in people’s lives. We have truly been blessed well beyond what we deserve!

So this year, I want to make even more of an effort to thank God for these blessings. Not only that, but I want to make sure that the people in my life know how thankful I am for them. And I want to be sure to carry that spirit of thankfulness into 2010 and give thanks every day ... not just on Thanksgiving Day.

The November 2009 issue of ParentLife is packed full of great ways your family can celebrate Thanksgiving together. Be sure not to miss it!

What are some of your favorite Thanksgiving traditions?

Celebrating Fall Fun

I love fall and all that it brings -- cooler weather, changing leaves, pumpkins, apple cider, and so much more. While your family may or may not officially be celebrating Halloween, there are lots of fun ways you can celebrate fall!

Yesterday evening, we took Jack (almost 16 months old) to a fall festival at our church. He got to wear his Halloween costume (a lion) and play in a big bouncy play yard with lots of plastic balls. He had a great time! We are not going trick-or-treating with Jack this year, simply because it would be so much work and he can't eat (and doesn't need) the candy! (And neither do we for that matter!) We hope to go to a pumpkin farm on Saturday morning with a group of friends from church and then spend the evening handing out candy, watching movies, and enjoying some good fall food!

How does your family celebarate fall? Tell us about your favorite fall activities!

Lunch Note Promise

At 16, Shawn Johnson won gold. Less than a year later, she was crowned a national dance sensation.  From the gym to the ballroom, Johnson credits her success to encouragement she received from her parents and mentors. This fall, Johnson is partnering with the Lunch Note Promise Campaign brought to you by the new Lunchables to inspire parents to give kids that same type of support, in big and small ways.

Making the Promise
The Lunchables team is asking parents and caregivers nationwide to promise to drop a note of encouragement into their child’s lunch. For every parent that logs onto www.lunchnotepromise.com and makes that promise, the Lunchables team will donate a meal to children and families in need through Feeding America, the nation’s largest domestic hunger-relief charity, which serves an estimated nine million children each year. The goal is to turn 100,000 promises into up to 100,000 meals.

Lunchnotepromise.com also provides free downloadable stationery that includes more than six vibrant, customizable patterns that parents can use to create fun and cheerful notes that will delight their kids.

Wholesome New Lunchables
Moms can also feed their kids’ success with a Lunchables Lunch Combination. This fall, the brand rolled out six new varieties that feature enhancements like bread made with whole grain, turkey made with 100 percent turkey breast, spring water, and applesauce.

Lunchables Lunch Combinations are available in the refrigerated section of grocery stores and retail for $3.49. To learn more about the new Lunchables or the Lunchables Lunch Notes Promise Campaign visit www.lunchnotepromise.com.

How do you show your child support and encouragement? Share your fun, creative tips with other ParentLife readers!

Kids Eat Free!

In today’s economy, families are trying to save every dollar they can. Many restaurants recognize this, and are offering deals to attract parents and their children. The editors of Mr. Free Stuff have compiled a list of 101 Restaurants Where Kids Eat Free to let consumers know where they can dine out on the cheap.

From well-known chains like Golden Corral, TGI Friday’s, Bennigan’s, Chik-fil-A, Buffalo Wild Wings, Fazoli’s, and Denny’s to regional favorites, the feature on Mr. Free Stuff informs readers about eat-for-free specials that are available on any given day of the week. Sunday (33), Monday (36) and Tuesday (56) are the best days to get freebies from restaurants. On Friday, only 14 eateries on the list give free offers.

Know of any other great meal deals? Share your budget-friendly ideas with ParentLife readers!

Search and Shop -- for a Worthy Cause!

It doesn't seem that long ago that my mom called, explaining that she had breast cancer and would need surgery. I remember being shocked and concerned, asking people to pray for her that I had never asked to pray for anything else. She was certainly resolute and prayerful as she faced surgery, radiation,  chemotherapy, and five years of follow-up medication. Today she is a breast cancer survivor, and I am thankful for all those who prayed for her and helped raise money for research to help find treatment for those who face breast cancer.

As you may know, October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month. If you have not had a chance to participate in a 5K or take part in another fundraiser for breast cancer research, we have a few more options for you to help this worthy cause. 

GoodSearch.com and GoodShop.com

Every princess deserves a crown, but since that's just not very comfortable for an active girl, a darling clip, pony holder, crochet hat, or headband is the next best thing! Clips4aCure.com is an amazingly affordable, Mom-run e-tailer and wholesaler, dedicated to curing cancer one haute hair accessory at a time!

The line includes bedazzled and dazzling hair treats for infants with very little hair to teens and even moms who want to glam up their tresses. Here's the most beautiful detail of all: 20 percent of the proceeds from each accessory is given to prominent cancer research organizations. The Mom who founded this ultra-chic line of hair treats is a breast cancer survivor who vowed to give back to help find a cure.

Let us know how you supported Breast Cancer Awareness Month during October.

What to Look for in a Family Vehicle

Every parent makes tough decisions that impact the entire family, and choosing the right car is no exception. Whether driving to and from after-school activities or planning a road trip, a reliable family car is crucial. But with so many makes and models to choose from, it’s good to have a process to help make a smart and safe purchase that pleases everyone — from the auto enthusiast dad to the little ones in the backseat.

You have to consider safety, reliability, handling, economy, and a range of personal preferences when choosing a family car. Experts from AutoTrader.com offer the following overview on popular family friendly models, including minivans, sport utility vehicles (SUVs), and sedans.

SUVs – Attractive, roomy, sturdy, powerful, and responsive, these vehicles have been a popular choice in recent years.

Pros:

• Often sit up higher, an ideal feature for improved all-around visibility
• Often equipped with four-wheel or all-wheel drive to handle different terrains
• Typically feature family-friendly bonuses, such as rear-seat DVD players and enough cup holders for the entire family

Cons:

• Can be gas guzzlers
• More prone to rollovers, leading to safety concerns
• High thresholds may lead to trouble loading items into some SUVs

Minivans – When they first appeared on the scene before SUVs took the stage, minivans were the ultimate family vehicle choice — and are making a comeback.

Pros:

• Less likely than SUVs to roll over in a crash
• Often include built-in crumple zones to help absorb the impact and protect passengers
• Roomy for passengers and allow a great deal of cargo space
• Often equipped with automatic sliding doors, which lessens the stress of loading the car while holding a child
• Low threshold makes it easier to remove car seats and load groceries

Cons:

• Generally have a lower resale value than an SUV

Family Sedans – As gas prices rise, so do the attractiveness and sales of sedans — especially smaller, more gas-friendly ones.

Pros:

• With a smaller size, family members can be within reach of the driver
• Include perks like affordability and nimble handling
• Can offer better gas mileage than most SUVs and minivans

Cons:

• Storage space can be more limited

Other Factors Parents Should Consider when Looking for a Car:

• Size and activity level of a family. Are family members involved in extracurricular activities or sports with equipment that requires more storage space or will the car primarily be used as a means to get from Point A to Point B? Does the car need to be large enough to fit everyone and everything inside or will a more economical sedan suffice?
• Safety. Parents should take note of important features with which a family car should come equipped, such as electronic stability control, side airbags, anti-lock braking systems, and tire pressure monitoring systems. When you are looking at specific models, if you choose an SUV for your family car, look for responsive mid-size models with excellent crash test ratings, or consider a crossover, which combines the safety of minivans with the sleek features of a traditional SUV.
• Personal preferences and convenience. Personal preferences, such as cargo area size and ease of car seat installation, vary for each parent and absolutely important to consider when looking at different cars. Parents may also want to consider factors that make things more convenient when it comes to children, such as dark upholstery (for spills and messes), keyless entry (when you are juggling kids and other items), and a LATCH system, which makes installing car seats easier and safer.

Visit www.AutoTrader.com to learn more.

What do you look for in a family car? Any tips for families who are shopping for a new car?
 

The Preteen Porn Talk

In the October 2009 issue of ParentLife, Teresa Cook addressed the difficult issue of preteens and pornography in the article "Preteens and Porn: What I Wish I Had Known." If you are the parent of a preteen and struggling to know how to talk to your child about pornography, help him understand the dangers of pornography using the following discussion points.

• God designed sex to be between husband and wife only (Ephesians 5:31; Hebrews 13:4). It is a private act, not meant for others to watch even through a picture or video.
• When you look at pornography, the images burn themselves into your brain, just like you would burn pictures onto a CD, and remain there for a long time.
• People of all ages can become addicted to pornography very quickly. Many experts believe pornography addiction is stronger than drug addiction.
• Pornographers often portray intercourse in abnormal and violent ways, which is not God’s plan for sex. It will confuse you about the real purpose for sex, an expression of love between a husband and wife.
• Looking at pornography can make you want 
to do the things you see.

For more help defending your child against the growing threat of pornography, be sure to check out Teresa's Web site — www.pornproofyourchild.com.

Single-Parent Superheroes

About a month ago, my husband, Jason, went out of town for a fun guy's event. I encouraged him to go because I knew it would be good for him to spend time with friends and recharge his batteries. Everyone needs a break from parenting every now and then. I was excited for him because I knew he would have fun, but I was bit anxious about taking care of our 14-month-old, Jack, all weekend completely by myself.

Jack and I stayed home on Friday night and played together until bedtime. After he went to bed, it was wonderful to have the house completely to myself. I enjoyed just vegging on the couch in my pajamas watching girlie shows my husband doesn't like to watch with me! I even slept in the very middle of our queen bed ... just because I could!

Saturday was fun too with lots of quality Mom-and-Jack

time. Saturday evening we went to a family cookout where Jack was able to play with his cousins. We had a great time, but by the time I got Jack in bed, I was completely exhausted, mentally and physically. I was starting to wonder how single parents do it day in and day out.

Saturday night ended up being a very long night. Jack started coughing and running a fever in the middle of the night. Neither one of us got much good sleep. And Sunday morning brought the dilemma of what to do about church. I had responsibilities that would be hard to get out of, but I knew I couldn't take Jack to the church nursery. Thank goodness I have awesome parents who live nearby. They were willing to stay home from church and keep Jack while I took care of my church responsibilities.

Needless to say, I was super glad when Jason got home!

But the weekend gave me a tiny glimpse of how truly difficult single parenting must be. How do single parents have the energy day after day to take care of active, busy children? Where do they turn for help in child-care predicaments ... especially if they do not have family nearby? Do they ever feel truly rested? Do they ever have time to themselves?

If you are a single parent, you are my hero!

ParentLife wants to provide encouragement and support specifically for you. Be sure not to miss our monthly column "Single Parent Life." As a single parent, what topics would you like to read about? Let us know so we can do a better job of meeting your needs!

Camping Weather!

This is the weekend of our church's RA Family Campout. Royal Ambassadors (RAs) is a missions education program our church does for boys on Wednesday nights. Each year we have a campout complete with hot dogs, s-mores, and lots of fun and games. This year is no exception for the boys and me. We are going out into the wilderness and set up camp ... actually we will be in a pasture on a farm and only have to set up our tent! But it will still be a camping adventure for all of us. And I have to remember not to lock my keys in the car as I did a couple years ago since my wife will be at a Beth Moore conference!

Camping is one of those great fall traditions. In fact, I wrote all about it in the October 2009 ParentLife editorial, in a tongue in cheek approach to the highs and lows of camping. We have had some memorable camping weather events as a family. Most notably trying to camp in 95 degree weather in July ... and the time we camped with our Sunday School class but ended up sleeping in our van because of a thunderstorm (photo to the left after we survived). We knew it was time to move to the van when our oldest son said, "I don't want to die in a tent in a thunderstorm!" But the memories of good times camping far outweigh these few inconveniences.

Do you have some great camping stories? Post one of your stories to share with us and other readers.

And be sure to check out the October issue of ParentLife!

Foster Care

In the October 2009 issue of ParentLife, we originally included an article on foster children. However, due to a need to create advertising space, we had to pull the article at the last minute. We wanted to include this article for you provided by Michael Piraino, CEO of the National Court Appointed Special Advocate Association (CASA).

Each day in the United States more than 850 children enter the foster care system, often due to parental abuse or neglect. Originally designed as a temporary housing solution for youth whose parents were unable to provide for their essential well-being, foster care now has become home to more than a half million children each year.

Case studies show foster children can find themselves in as many as 30 homes throughout their stay in care. With each move comes the uncertainty of a new family, new school, and new friends. Ultimately, this instability impedes a child’s ability to form personal attachments, diminishes her self-esteem, and seriously disrupts her education. On average, foster children can change schools eight times before they reach the age of 18. As a result, only 46 percent will graduate from high school.

Raising Awareness
Now is the time to raise awareness of ways to support this country’s most vulnerable children. While the need for foster parents is great, there are only enough licensed foster homes to care for 30 percent of the foster care population. You can help make a difference whether you can commit a lifetime, years, months, weeks, days, or hours.

• Adopt or become a foster parent. Check with your local department of children and family services or the National Foster Parent Association for requirements, as they vary from state to state.
• Become a CASA volunteer. CASA volunteers are trained to advocate for foster children in court in order to help find permanent homes for abused and neglected children. After undergoing a 30-hour training program, a volunteer is assigned his first court case. To learn more about becoming a CASA volunteer, visit  www.nationalcasa.org.

If you would like to see the entire article originally to appear in ParentLife, please download this pdf.

Fearful Parenting

I tend to be very laid back about things that come along in life with our kids, but there have been moments in my life as a parent that have caused worry and fear. I remember that feeling being separated from my family on a business trip on September 11, 2001. I was uncertain and fearful about what would happen next. It made me realize that uncertainty for the future can be worse for a parent. The question nags until it develops into fear: Will it happen again?

I had a similar experience when my son had two seizures last month. I was fairly cool and collected during those moments, focused on caring for my son. But the feeling afterwards, night after night, sometimes lying in bed right beside him. Will it happen again?

There are so many moments in life that can cause fear. Will my child get the flu that is going around? Will we be able to pay for college? Will he be safe?

It is in those moments that God wants us to place our trust in Him, to give our children to His care. It is easier to say than do for sure! But in God is the only place of perfect peace.

I was so glad to be able to go back and read Rebecca Powell's article "By Fear of Faith?" in our August issue of ParentLife. When the article was published, I may easily have thought, This article isn't for me. But how quickly one life event can change everything! Then the process begins of turning those fears over to God.

If you ever discover there is a past article that you would like to read again, e-mail us, and we will be happy to send you a copy of a past article.

Are there times when you are afraid for your children? How have you been able to turn them over to God?

Free Admission on Museum Day 2009

Spend a whole day at a museum for free, courtesy of Smithsonian magazine. Smithsonian magazine invites Smithsonian readers and Smithsonianmag.com visitors on a free journey to celebrate culture, learning, and knowledge at Museum Day 2009. Smithsonian has designated Saturday, September 26, its fifth annual Museum Day, when participating museums and cultural institutions nationwide open their doors free of charge to emulate the free admission policy of the Smithsonian Institution’s Washington, D.C.-based facilities. 
 

“Museum Day represents Smithsonian Media’s commitment to making knowledge and culture accessible to everyone, whether they’re able to travel to the nation’s capital or not,” said Kerry Bianchi, Group Publisher, Smithsonian Media. “In light of the economy, when many families are looking for ways to still have fun and pursue their passions, Smithsonian magazine’s Museum Day is a welcome treat this year. With more than 750 museums throughout the country already registered to offer Smithsonian’s free admission policy, this year’s Museum Day is poised to be the largest to date.”
 
Museum Day’s supporting sponsor is CITGO. Attendees must present the Museum Day Admission Card to gain free entry to participating institutions. Visit www.smithsonian.com/museumday to download your Museum Day Admission Card, or find it in the September issue of Smithsonian.  Each card provides museum access for two people, and one admission card is permitted per household.  Listings and links to participating museums’ and sponsors’ sites), can also be found at www.smithsonian.com/museumday.  
 
Will you try to take advantage of free museum day this Saturday?
 

Dr. Mintle Answers Your Questions

Each month in ParentLife, Christian counselor Dr. Linda Mintle answers your questions about parenting. We have an extra question this month and wanted to get it to you on the blog.

Q: My 5-year-old son tried to kiss a girl in kindergarten. The teacher called me and told me he chases a girl at recess and tries to kiss her. Apparently the little girl runs away and giggles. The teacher is new and young and wanted me to know. The teacher says he is doing well in class, and we don’t have problems with him at home.  He does see my husband kiss me when he comes home from work. How should I handle this and why is he doing this at such a young age? Apparently this isn’t the first girl he’s tried to kiss either!

A: Do not panic! This is the age in which your child is learning about what it means to be male. He does this primarily through identification with Dad and watching and imitating others. Developmentally, he is learning basic gender identity. He has seen your husband kiss you and watched people in movies and TV do the same.  Your son is curious and experimenting with what he has seen. It is normal to try and copy this behavior. In a few years, he will think kissing is gross! So talk to your son and tell him that kissing his classmates is inappropriate. Do not punish him but tell him to stop. He can chase the little girl he likes but not kiss her. Suggest that he play tag instead. Most important is your attitude toward this behavior. Be careful not to shame your son or make this into a big deal. How you feel about his sexual development and how you respond to normal development is important.

Post your questions for Dr. Mintle, and we will send them to her to be answered in a future issue of ParentLife!

The Only-Child Debate

I am extremely blessed to have this job as Content Editor of ParentLife. It is a great benefit to my parenting. Every day I get to read and research about how to be a better parent. (But trust me ... that doesn't mean I know what I'm doing all the time!)

Every now and then there is an article our team works on that hits closer to home than others for me. Jennifer Holt's "Dispelling the Myths: Raising an Only Child" in the September 2009 issue is definitely one of those articles. Jennifer discusses and dispels four assumptions people generally have about only children (such as — Only children are bossy and spoiled).

My husband and I currently are in the midst of the only-child debate. We have one little boy, 14-month-old Jack. We've always talked about wanting to have two children, but the end of my pregnancy and Jack's delivery involved several complications that could recur with another pregnancy. All of this makes us wonder if we are willing to take the risk of having another baby. So when we come across parents that have raised only children, we have lots of questions for them. Is it hard to entertain an only child to keep him from getting bored? Will he be spoiled rotten and therefore grow up being self-centered? Will it be hard to teach him how to interact with other children?

Of course, the answer to these questions is different for every family and every child. There are many factors that influence the way a child grows up — the temperament/personality of the child, the parenting style of the parents, and many other factors that cannot be controlled or predicted. That is why the most important thing we must do is to pray and seek God's will for our family, whether that means have an only child or going on to have a house full of children. 

What about you? Are you raising an only child? If so, what are some of the unexpected benefits and disadvantages you have faced? Tell us about them and be sure not to miss Jennifer's September 09 article!

Do You Know the Cost of a Baby?

Have you seen these statistics?

Families that earn less than $56,000 a year will spend about $160,000 through the high school years. Higher income families tend to spend more. Housing costs are the biggest expense, averaging $69,660 or 32 percent of the total cost over 17 years. Food and child care or education each averaged 16 percent of the total expenditure.

College educations are not included in the figures. The USDA plans to update its online calculator of the cost of raising a child, which can be individualized with factors such as being a single parent or where you live.

Are you surprised by these statistics? Do you think these numbers impact families and how many children they decide to have?

From Bottle to Cup

I can honestly say that my little boy, Jack, has been an easy baby so far. He may be busy all the time and in constant motion, but he is fairly laidback when it comes to changes in routine and environment. He made the move to baby food without any complaint. He gave up his pacifier completely on his own around 9 months. The swtich from formula to milk was a breeze. And now baby food is history and he is eating table food. That's why I assumed that moving him from a bottle to a sippy cup would be a piece of cake.

Well ... I was terribly wrong. We tried for one weekend to offer him milk in a sippy cup to see how it went. Each time, he got excited when he would see his milk but he took one drink and pushed it away. He had no desire to drink his milk in anything but a bottle. More concerned with the amount of milk he was getting then the cup, I caved each time after about 10 minutes of trying and moved the milk to a bottle.

Many of my friends told me they made the switch cold turkey. If their babies didn't take milk from the cup, they just didn't get their milk. It worked really well for them, and they made the transition within days. But I'm just not sure I'm ready for that yet. I'm not sure I can be that strong!

I am encouraged that the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) recommends making the switch to a cup by 18 months. That means that we have a little over 4 months to make the transition. We have at least made the switch to bottles with soft, sippy-cup style spouts. It's at least a step in the right direction.

So I'm curious ... how did you transition your child from a bottle to a sippy cup? What worked? What didn't work? Are their other transitions that you struggled with ... such as moving from a crib to a toddler bed? Share your tips with us and other ParentLife readers by leaving a comment!

Get a Head Start on Reading by Joy Fisher

Reading to and with your child prepares him for a lifetime of curiosity and learning. For preschoolers, choose books with bright, colorful illustrations and minimal text. Beginning readers like repetitive language and humorous rhymes. Don’t forget to read to your older child too! Select books on topics of his interest, and use them as a starting place for great conversations. And remember, enjoying books is free when you visit the library!

New Books

Always by Ann Stott: “No matter what you do,” says Mom, “I’ll always love you.” For babies and preschoolers.

I’m Your Bus by Marilyn Singer: Back-to-schoolers will enjoy this rhyming story told from the perspective of a yellow school bus. For ages 4-8.

Oliver’s Game by Matt Tavares: Treat your baseball fan to a story abouthow World War II interrupted one young man’s dream. For ages 6-10.

 Oldies But Goodies

The Napping House by Don and Audrey Wood: A snoring granny and a dreaming child share a bed with an assortment of household creatures. For ages birth to 3.

If You Give a Mouse a Cookie by Laura Joffe Numeroff: Give a mouse a cookie, and a whole adventure unravels and comes full circle again. For ages 4 to 8.

Frog and Toad are Friends by Arnold Lobel: Lessons in friendship abound in the first of a timeless series. For ages 4 to 8.

 

 

The True Story of the Three Little Pigs by Jon Scieszka: Get the wolf’s side of the story! For ages 4 to 8.

Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What Do You See? by Bill Martin, Jr.: Each page leads to the next with rhythm and cadence kids adore. Illustrated by Eric Carle. For ages 4 to 8.

Sarah, Plain and Tall by Patricia MacLachlan: In 1910, Sarah comes to be a new mother for Anna and Caleb. For ages 9 to 12.

The Boxcar Children by Gertrude Chandler Warner: A story from another era describes how four orphans survive on their own. For ages 9 to 12.

Joy Fisher is editor of LifeWay’s Bible Teaching for Kids Special Buddies, a Bible study curriculum for school-age children who have special needs. She is a former editor and frequent contributor to ParentLife.

Do you know all the benefits of reading to your child? Be sure to check out the article "A Head Start" in the August 2009 issue of ParentLife.
 

Dr. Mintle Answers Your Questions

Every month in ParentLife, Dr. Linda Mintle answers your parenting questions in her "Real Life Solutions" department. Each month, we will have an additional Q & A specifically for the blog. This month's question is about parenting styles.

Q: My husband and I have very different parenting styles. How can we work on being united in our parenting?

A: A team approach to parenting is something most parents have to work out because they were raised in different  families. When you leave your original family, you bring to marriage the patterns you learned growing up. Patterns of parenting are learned from watching your own parents. Different families parent differently. Some are more rigid, more permissive, or more critical than others. These differences can cause parenting conflicts if not negotiated. When you disagree, take a short break, talk through your strategies, and come to an agreement. You can say: “Mommy and Daddy are going to talk about this and come back.” Remember you are probably responding how you learned growing up. If you cannot pause before reacting, then talk about the conflict after the fact and agree on how you could both handle this in the future.

The important things are to be in agreement, be consistent, and realize this is an ongoing conversation. As children grow, the issues change and trigger issues from your childhood. Kids also tend to divide parents, so present a unified front to your child even if you disagree at the moment. Evaluate whether or not your approach to a problem was helpful and appropriate. Not all family patterns are healthy, so you may decide to make changes based on what you have learned.

If you cannot come to an agreement on how to parent as a couple, talk to another couple who can serve as your mentor or a family therapist or pastor.

Send us questions you would like to ask Dr. Mintle!
 

First Day of School

My boys had their first day of school on Monday — Jonathan his first day of 5th grade, and Christopher his first day of Kindergarten. And who was most nervous leading up to the first day? Why their parents of course! Although the boys were nervous Monday morning too. 

We got there early enough to lug the school supplies in to school and all went straight to Christopher's classroom. I don't think there are many things in parenting like the first day of kindergarten. So exciting! We hugged Mrs. Nickels and went about the work of separating all our school supplies into the classroom supply bins. These bins were spread out all over the classroom, so as we walked across the room to put the crayons away, it was a great way to get acquainted to the classroom.

After a family photo, we spoke to a few of the parents, and Christopher was already hard at work putting together Legos® with some friends when it was time for us to leave. No worries about an anxious good-bye — he barely looked up as we kissed his cotton-top good-bye!

And Jonathan? He was an old pro at this. He walked into his classroom, found his locker, and immediately sat down at his desk to start the "Who Am I?" worksheet the teacher had provided. And perhaps for the last time on the first day of school (mind you, he is an 11-year-old preteen), he didn't even act embarrassed when I kissed his cotton-top good-bye!

How was your first day of school? Tell us about it!

Parents as Teachers

No matter what your schooling choice, back to school is an exciting time. It is also a great time to reflect on how parents should be the primary teachers of their children, even if you choose to share some of your child's education with your church or local school.

I always find that books are a great way to enter discussions with your children. I wanted to share a couple books that I have read recently — both old and new — that make great discussion starters with kids. In fact, these books were so engaging, that I could not put them down until I turned every page!

Jesus From A to Z by Kevin Graham and Illustrated by Jennifer Yoswa (Windom) — Graham captures 26 key stories and truths from the life of Jesus in this A-to-Z style book, complete with engaging illustrations that will draw kids into each two-page spread. A great starter for family devotion times might be to pick a letter of the alphabet, look at the illustration and synopsis, then read the biblical passage with the story. Begin now at the pace of 2 stories a week, and it will lead you right into Advent season.

The Hundred Dresses by Eleanor Estes and Illustrated by Louis Slobodkin (Houghton Mifflin Harcourt) — I was engaged from the first page and could not put down this book for children. This story is a powerful teaching tool to talk about bullying, friendship, racism, cliques, and sensitivity to others who are different. This book may have been written specifically for girls in mind, but I think it is engaging for all kids. Use it to talk about the new school year and new friends at school and church.

Holes by Louis Sachar (Random House) — Quirky, mysterious, and exciting — and probably written primarily for preteen boys — it gives subtle insights into some of these same themes mentioned above for The Hundred Dresses, except about boys. Ditto about using to talk about the new people God brings into our lives and how we treat them.

No matter your reading choice, research shows the more you read with your kids, the better they do in school! What are some of your favorite books to read with your kids?

Back-to-School Moms

When it comes to back to school, most news coverage focuses on getting the kids prepared for the new school year, but what about the newest population of students … moms?

In these uncertain times, a record number of moms will go back to college this fall to advance current careers, find new job options, and seize opportunities to contribute more to household finances during a recession. 

How do the families of college moms cope? Try the following tips from real-life college moms.

1. Gain the support of friends and family. We all need cheerleaders to accomplish the many things moms do in any single day. 
2. When you go back to school supply shopping for the kids, don’t forget your own supplies for online studying like printer ink and paper, a spare battery pack for the laptop, and flash drives.
3. Prepare meals for the week on Sunday. Whether it’s a hearty soup, lasagna, or a casserole, make meals that are filling and easy to take out of the freezer and reheat quickly.
4. Work as a team. Show the kids that running a family requires team effort and that your schoolwork is important too. Let them pitch in to help out with family chores.
5. Remind your significant other that he may need to brush up on his math and science skills because you will need him to help the kids with homework.
6. Before you sit at your computer, take 15 minutes to do some stretching and/or a few sit-ups. Get the adrenaline pumping so that you are ready to commit to studying and homework.
7. Instill in your children the value of making sacrifices. Teach them that hard work has positive results.
8. For those single moms or stay-at-home moms who sometimes have to do it alone, it is OK to let your older children entertain themselves when you have deadlines to meet.
9. Keep the faith. Everyone has their ups and downs, and sometimes, there are more downs than ups. At the end of the day you can still do this. Remind yourself how much your education means to you and of the future benefits it will bring to your entire family.
10. Plan some alone time, even if it’s a 20-minute soak in the tub to relax after the children are in bed.

Thanks to moms at Kaplan University (www.kaplan.edu)— where nearly 75% of students are women and the average student age is 34 — for their tips for juggling family, work, and school.

Have you decided to go back to school?
 
 

I'm Sick ... So Stay Away!

Our household was hit by some kind of virus this weekend. Christy and Jonathan were really sick. Christopher felt really bad and had a fever. And I had my turn at being the primary caregiver!

I thought about how everyone seems to respond differently to being sick. I have been told several times how I am not a good patient and tend to want to sleep and just be left alone! Christy is definitely just the opposite, enjoying conversation and companionship even in the midst of being sick. And I think the boys are a mix of us both. They both get grumpy but also need some close attention.

One moment illustrated this well. I stayed up with Jonathan when he was sick but trying to go to sleep. He was uncomfortable with his stomach hurting so he didn't want anyone too close. I sat at the foot of his bed. Then he asked if I would hold his feet while he went to sleep! A funny request, but it summarized this whole conversation: Sometimes when you are sick you need your space, but need someone close by at the same time taking care!

Obviously sickness is no fun. There is a reason why patients and patience sound so much alike but can be opposites! But in retrospect, it definitely made us slow down and we had some fun time together in the midst of it all.

I hope you are staying well this summer. When your kids are sick, what kind of patients are they?

Taking Care of Yourself

I'm afraid this week I am learning the hard way the importance of taking care of yourself as a parent. Life in the Skulley household has been anything but calm during the month of July. We've been going nonstop at work, church, and home ... full speed ahead ... until the end of last week when both Jack and I became sick, bringing everything to a screeching halt. Jack had a cold that quickly became an ear infection, and I came down with a cold that quickly turned into the never-ending cough/sinus infection. Needless to say, it has not been a fun few days.

Ultimately, this sickness has been a reality check for me. It is the perfect real-life example of how stress (both good stress and bad stress) can take its toll over time. I have been reminded of how important it is to slow down, reduce stress, and take care of myself so that I can take care of my family.

Weeks ago, I should have taken the advice of Kathy Firkins, the writer for the July 2009 ParentLife article "Super Stressed." She talks about how stress is physical, mental, and emotional. She also provides her "Top 10 Instant Stress Relievers." If you're feeling stressed, don't miss this article.

How do you deal with stress? What are the most effective stress relievers that you have found to work for you?

Travel Tips for Families

Thanks to REI for this great travel advice for families. Use these tips for any last minute travels between now and the start of the school year!

1. Plan Together — Encourage your children to be a part of the planning/selection process. Select a few trips that meet your family's requirements, engage children in learning about each trip, then let them choose the family vacation this year.
2. Ask Questions — Once your vacation is selected, ask your children what questions they have about the trip or location.
3. Geography Lesson — Use a map/globe to help children learn how far they are going and what the flight route will be, etc. This helps establish an early connection to the destination.
4. Research Locations — Search online for small towns your itinerary will pass through – learn about the history, animals plants and people that live in these places. Find something your family wants to learn more about or see while you visit.
5. Pack It Up — Pack with your child – use the gear list and have them think about what they already have that fits the need and what they will need to get.
6. Keep a Travel Journal — Get your child a journal and help them write in it each day about what happened on their trip - encourage them to draw pictures. Be sure to record the senses you used along the way to hear different sounds, smells, tastes, and sights you experienced in each place.
7. Make a Lasting Memory — Make sure your children get to use your camera, or have their own so they can take photos. An instant camera is a fun thing to take along when visiting developing countries. It's a great gift to share on the spot with new friends you make along the way and a quick way to add photos to the journal when the children recaps their day.
   
8. Send a Postcard Home — Look for postcards to send to family, friends, and even to your own home so your children have a memento from their trip awaiting them upon your return home. Make sure you use colorful local stamps – great keepsakes and addition to journals.
9. The More the Merrier — Travel with other families with children. Both families will appreciate the company of other playmates, and adults.
   
10. Present — If your child is in school, have him create a presentation for the class to "show and tell" about his trip.

Do you have any other great tips you would offer based on your vacation experience?

We've Got a Job to Do!

In the July 2009 ParentLife editorial I wrote about a chapel service I attended this year. Ms. Ford led her first graders in a program about sharing the good news. Over and over again, these adorable first graders repeated, "We've got a job to do!"

This service made me wonder how we do — together as families — sharing the gospel or participating in service projects that communicate God's love to others. Sometimes when we are so busy that we struggle to spend time together having family devotions, it is difficult to take the next step and plan those service projects together. But it is well worth the effort!

Our church holds a weekly summer Kidz Club in a local apartment complex that we have participated in with our boys. They see the reason we are there is to love those kids and tell them about Jesus. Service spurs a greater understanding how we are all responsible for carrying the good news of Jesus to others.

What are ways that you witness and serve others as a family? Are there specific ways you tell others about Jesus over the summer months? We would love to hear your thoughts!

Fun Vacation Destinations

As a little boy, I knew that July was the month we always went on our big family vacation for the year. More often than not we went to Myrtle Beach, SC, for a week of sun and fun! When planning our July 2009 issue of ParentLife, it seemed natural to plan our lead feature "On the Road Again: Making Vacations Fun" all about the family vacation. We listed a few fun destinations for possible trips but were overflowing with a few more ideas. Whether you are looking for a week's vacation, a weekend getaway, or a day trip, here are some places and sites to enjoy together as a family:

Pigeon Forge/Gatlinburg, Tennessee — Adjacent to America's most visited national park, the Great Smoky Mountains National Park, Pigeon Forge and Gatlinburg offer attractions like Dollywood, all types of shopping, and tons of restaurants all within a short distance of hiking, camping, white water rafting, and beautiful mountain scenery.

 

Cincinnati, Ohio —Home to the Kings Island and Boomerang Bay mega-theme park complex, you could spend days enjoying these attractions. Stay at the Great Wolf Lodge or Coco Key resorts that  feature indoor water parks. Nearby visit the one of a kind Creation Museum, a great conversation starter about God's role in creating the world with all its wonder and complexity.

Glorieta, New Mexico —Many people know Glorieta as a conference center, but Glorieta also offers special rates for family vacations. Glorieta is tucked in the Sangre de Cristo Mountains at the southern most part of the Rocky Mountain chain, so offers guests the chance to relax, recharge and rediscover. Check out their special rate for pastors and church staff.

Where do you plan to spend your family vacation? Or are you staying close to home this year?

The Famous First Birthday

Several times over the past week, I have glanced around my house at the clutter of baby toys, stacks of baby laundry, misplaced sippy cups, and stray Cheerios® and I've thought to myself, Wow! How life has changed over the past year!

I'm still in denial, but in about two weeks, we will be celebrating Jack's first birthday. Needless to say, I've been doing a lot of reading about planning a baby's first birthday party. I never cease to be amazed at the broad spectrum of strong opinons on this topic. There are some who think it's silly to celebrate the first birthday at all since your child will not remember it. Then there are others who spend gobs of time (and money I might add) planning the "party of the century." Maybe I'm being a bit overdramatic! But you know what I mean, right?

I'm happy to say that I fall somewhere in the middle of that spectrum. I believe every birthday is a great opportunity to celebrate and the first one is no exception! But I also believe that simple is usually better. We are planning a small get-together with family and a few friends. There will be decorations, candles, balloons, presents, and of course ... birthday cake, but nothing over the top! It will be a great opportunity to thank God for blessing our lives with Jack (whom we can't imagine life without) as well as to thank all of the family and friends that have supported us during this major life transition.

So I'm curious. How did you celebrate your child's first birthday? I'd love to hear your thoughts, suggestions, and ideas!

Nature Rocks!

Nature Rocks is an initiative created to inspire and empower parents across the country to take their families to play, explore, and enjoy quality time in nature. Nature Rocks has been designed to ensure that all families – regardless of budget, kids’ ages, or experience – can plan affordable and fun activities in nature that encourage family bonding and nurture happier, healthier, and smarter children.

As part of its efforts to empower parents to take their kids outside, Nature Rocks introduces its 2009 Summer Nature Staycation Planning Guide. Available at www.naturerocks.org, this free guide provides parents and caregivers with information and tools to enjoy no- or low-cost summer vacations in nature that are close to home. 

Developed through a partnership between The Nature Conservancy, REI, The Children & Nature Network, and ecoAmerica, Nature Rocks is designed to to inspire and empower families to play and explore in nature — as fun, family bonding in nature helps kids become happier, healthier, and smarter.

The Web site, www.naturerocks.org, provides parents over 100 fun, inexpensive, interesting, and safe activities based on specific criteria including location, kids’ ages, and time available. Additionally families can find activities in their immediate area via an easy zip code search tool. Because of its range of activities, Nature Rocks ensures that all families, whether outdoor enthusiasts or nature novices, can get involved in nature the way that suits them best. 

What do you like to do in nature with your kids during summer?

Is Your Child Quirky?

In the June 2009 issue of ParentLife, Jennifer Holt's article "A Quirky Kid" encourages parents to maintain a balanced perspective about their children's quirky behaviors. Are you concerned that your child's quirks may mean something more? If so, talk to your pediatrician about having your child's development evaluated.

What can you expect from an evaluation?
When a school professional or pediatrician recommends your child be tested, here are a few tips.

• Expect that the process will take time, involving multiple assessment tools and many steps.
• Write down your questions ahead of time. Bring a notebook and pen to jot down notes when professionals are sharing evaluation results. They will prepare reports in written form that are often written in educational or medical jargon. Be sure to ask for clarification in terms that are easy to understand.
• Do not be overwhelmed by the number of professionals involved in the assessment process. They all want what is best for your child, and they are tapping every resource they have to find some answers.
• Approach diagnoses with a healthy sense of skepticism. You know your child best, so if something is not making sense to you, get a second opinion!
• Evaluation should lead to a plan of action. If your child receives a label, it should come with a set of recommended interventions for both home and school settings. If no diagnosis is reached, the multidisciplinary team should still have some suggested steps for you to take next.

If you would like more information, be sure to check out the following Web sites.

• American Academy of Pediatrics — www.aap.org
• National Research Center on Learning Disabilities — www.nrcld.org
• Autism Information Center at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention — www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/autism
• Obsessive Compulsive Foundation — www.ocfoundation.org/ocd-in-children.html
• All Kinds Of Minds® — www.allkindsofminds.org
• Council for Exceptional Children — www.cec.sped.org

Has your child been evaluated for developmental delays? Do you have any encouragement to offer parents who may be going through this right now?

Leading by Example

Tomorrow, my son, Jack, will be 11 months old! It is so hard for me to believe that only 11 months ago his sole source of nutrition came from a bottle and now he's eating food off of my plate. We've just recently moved from feeding Jack only baby food to letting him have "real" table food, which to be honest, has complicated our mealtimes. Up until now, my husband and I didn't have to think as much about what we were eating for dinner. But suddenly, I'm seeing every meal we eat in a whole new light.

In fact, just yesterday, we went grocery shopping. One of the staple items that we keep on hand is a bag of frozen chicken, whether it is breaded chicken breasts, chicken nuggets, or chicken patties. On busy days, it is so easy to make chicken and rice or chicken and mac and cheese. But yesterday as I was picking the bag of chicken patties off the shelf, I thought Do I really want to feed Jack frozen, processed chicken? I promptly put the bag back on the shelf.

Suddenly, I find myself wanting to make more healthy food choices ... choices I should have been making all along, but now there is a new urgency. I want to set an example of healthy eating (and a healthy overall lifestyle) for Jack so that he will grow up to be healthy, happy, and strong.

The same can be said for every aspect of life. Am I making healthy choices about what I watch on TV? Am I choosing to spend my time wisely? Am I a good steward of our finances? Utlimately, the most important question is Am I leading by example? LIttle eyes are watching everything I do, even right now before he completely understands. Now is the time to start setting the example.

I must say ... I have a lot of work to do. I know I won't ever be perfect, but my prayer is that I can model a healthy Christian life for my son ... a life that I would be proud for him to imitate!

Do you struggle with setting the example? What are your biggest struggles?

Expert Advice

Sometimes the ParentLife staff gets questions from readers that we do not feel qualified to answer. But we are blessed to work with many experts who are very qualified to answer difficult questions. One of those experts is Dr. Linda Mintle, our monthly columnist for "Real Life Solutions" (pp. 44-45).

Not long ago we recieved the following question from a reader:

"My husband and I have a dilemma we want help with. We have been married for almost 10 years. He has two beautiful girls from a previous marriage. They are 12 and 10. We have many issues with his ex-wife and would like some advice."

We were able to forward this reader's letter and specific questions to Dr. Mintle. Maybe her suggestions will help you with a difficult stepparenting situation you are in.

Dear Reader,

You are experiencing the type of issues many do when a divorce occurs with children in the picture. The two households often clash in their values and ideas about raising children. You really have three options.
 

1. Set up a time to meet with your husband's ex and explain your concerns. See if you can negotiate some of these issues on a case by case basis. Divorce doesn't mean discussion with the biological parent ends. In fact, it often takes more time to work through issues because of the divorce. If you approach her in a nondefensive way, she might work with you.
2. If she seems uncooperative, you can go to family counseling and try to get her involved or get help with how to respond to her. Now you are engaging a third party who can lend weight to your concerns.
3. You can pursue legal intervention, documenting your concerns for the children and challenging custody. Some states have Parent Coordinators who come along side families and work through these issues without involving the court.

All these options require some cooperation on her part which doesn't always happen. Regardless, you should talk to your children about your concerns. Your voice will be important as they grow up regardless of what she does. If at any time you think the girls are being harmed, seek legal counsel or call your local mental health line. 

The fallout of divorce is usually on the children, and parents spend years trying to deal with these difficult issues either directly with the ex or using therapy and legal services. I wish there was an easier way. But God is with you and will give you guidance as well. Prayer goes a long way and people can come into the lives of your children that also can influence for the better. Keep praying that God gives your children those opportunities. Pray your husband's ex that her heart will return for the things of God she once knew.

- Dr. Linda Mintle

Do you have parenting issues or questions you need help with? We would be happy to help you get the answers you need from one of our parenting experts. E-mail your question to parentlife@lifeway.com.
 

One Good Thing for the McDougals by Bill Conger

Greg and Diane McDougal, who are featured in the May issue of ParentLife, are learning to let go and let God. Over the last several years, the Christian couple has endured the faith-testing challenge of their children’s health problems. Three of their four kids have cystic fibrosis, but the story began with their first child, Jeffrey. He was born with a hole in his intestinal tract and nearly died. The members of First Baptist Church Mt. Juliet, Tennessee, rallied behind the scared mom and dad. 

“Almost every one that showed up told us, ‘Listen, you’re doing the one good thing. You just take care of your son. We’ll take care of everything else,’ and they did just that. Now, God is reminding us of that to show us this picture of how He wants us to do the one good thing, and that is to go and be shameless about telling of the redeeming power of Jesus Christ in our lives, and He’ll take care of everything else.”

Through divine provision, the McDougals special allergen-free home is now two-thirds of the way complete with the plumbing, most of the hardwood flooring, and several other essentials in place.

“The house is His,” McDougal affirms. “He’s the one that’s raised it up. In His good time, He’ll finish it. In the meantime, we’re just doing what He’s given us to do.”

For the McDougals, that job is a calling to fulltime music ministry. In January, the family packed into an RV and left the Nashville area with a handful of concert dates. Three and a half months later, their journeys have taken them to Virginia, Florida, Georgia, Alabama, Louisiana, Arkansas, Texas, and Oklahoma.

“We’re just going and telling, taking a guitar and a song and using it to get in the door and share a testimony of how God has taken a couple of knuckle-headed kids that used to never pay Him any attention at all and worked miracles in our lives.”

Their children have enjoyed a better time with their health after a tough struggle last year. “We’ve been doing really well,” McDougal said.

The family is spending time off during most of May, but they’re still hitting the road to sing at churches on the weekends. The McDougals will return to touring across parts of the south and west for the summer. Greg says, “We’re learning a whole lot about each other, and a whole lot about Him, and stewardship, and making the most of every day.”

For more of the McDougal's amazing story, check out "A Carpenter's Mission" in the May 2009 issue of ParentLife.
 

A Lesson in Time Management

Do you ever feel like you are running on a treadmill that is moving way too fast? I know that I feel that way a lot!

But I do have days where I feel like I'm on top of things and have everything under control. Yesterday was that kind of day for me. I was checking things off of my to-do list left and right! I had a good day at work where I felt like I got a lot done. I cooked a good, healthy dinner and fed Jack. I got to spend some time playing with Jack, gave him a bath, and put him to bed without any fuss. Then I actually exercised and did several loads of laundry and a few other random chores. It felt good! I didn't get to do any of the things I wanted to do just for fun (like veg out on the couch and watch TV or play MarioKart with my husband), but it was worth it to feel like I had accomplished some important things!

But then, as I was crawling into my cozy, warm bed ... it hit me! I had forgotten to do something very important. I had not spent any quiet time with God that day. And I'll be honest ... I rarely make time like I should to spend time with God. I should have gotten out of bed right then, but I confess ... I let my exhaustion win.

Sometimes we get so focused on nurturing the earthly relationships in our lives — being a good employee and co-worker, taking care of our children, spending time with our spouses, even making time to take care of ourselves — that we forget about the most important relationship! If I could just remember every day that my relationship with God is the glue that holds all of my relationships together, I think I would do better at making time to spend with Him. I know that when I do make the time to spend with Him, somehow I feel like I have more time in my day and I take better care of the people in my life. So why do I find it so hard to make the time?

I know time management is not just a struggle for working parents. It is a struggle for every parent! But as a working mother, it's definitely something I battle with every day.

So tell me ... as a busy parent, how do you find time during your busy day to stop and spend focused time with God?

Be sure to check out our "Working Life" column each month in ParentLife for practical advice and encouragement for working mothers and fathers.

Dealing With the Unexpected

Do you ever think about how much of life is spent dealing with the unexpected? I guess the question is "How do you deal with surprise?" Yesterday I surprised Christopher and Jonathan when I took them for a "treat" before church. They thought that a treat equaled a milkshake, but I took them to play some games at a famous mouse-themed pizza joint. They had no idea what was coming, were bewildered as we passed every place they thought we might be going, and asked me a half-million times what their suprise was going to be despite my assurances to be patient. I thought about how kids are not very good with surprises sometimes!

But after more reflections, this experience reminds me of how I find it difficult to wait whether in the doctor's office, in traffic, or at a restaurant. I also act impatiently many times when I am waiting on God's answer to a prayer concern or in the face of an unknown situation. I act this way despite God's assurances to hear my prayers and answer them and the knowledge that God loves me and is good. When I think about my own behavior when faced with waiting, I can understand my children a little better! I realize that my reactions are often not that different from my kids, which makes me glad God is patient!

Do you find it hard to wait as parent? Where are the places you have the most difficult time being patient?

The ParentLife Advisory Board

Happy Earth Day!

• "Growth Spurts: Birth to 12 Months -- Natural Parenting" -- Consider some ways to "go green" as the parent of an infant, such as breastfeeding, cloth diapering, and making your own baby food.
  
• "Growth Spurts: 1 to 2 Years -- Toxic for Toddlers" -- Discover how switching to natural cleaning products can be safer for your family and better for the environment.
• "Growth Spurts: 3 to 5 Years -- Healthy and Nutritious" -- Get the lowdown on organic foods and vitamins.
• "Renewing a Steward Spirit" -- Explore some practical planet-wise parenting strategies for reducing waste.
• "Gardening With Kids" -- Enjoy time together in God's creation by planting a garden with your kids.
• "Today's Life: ParentLife Product Picks" -- Choose from lots of environmentally friendly products from companies who make it easy for your family to go green.

The Real Reason

"It came without ribbons! It came without tags! It came without packages, boxes, or bags! ... He hadn't stopped Christmas from coming, it came. Somehow or other, it came just the same."

Preparing for Easter

Is Your Daughter a Diva?

What's on Tonight? TV, Movies, & Our Kids

Listening to Our Kids

Sometimes we spend too much time and energy listening to what experts say we should do as parents. Oftentimes it is our kids who tell us what they need the most!

Proof positive are these real-life student comments submitted by ParentLife writer, Mia Pinson, a middle school teacher in South Carolina. Their assignment was to write down advice they would give their parents to help them be a better student in school.

Listen to what some students said they really want from their parents.

• Help me with homework.

• Don't ignore me when I ask for help.

• Help me study so I don't have to make bad grades. I am embarrassed when I do.

• Don't yell at me when I don't get my homework.

• Don't scream at me if I mess up.

• Don't yell at me to wake me up in the morning. It starts me off in a bad mood.

• Reward me for good grades with a surprise.

• Please congratulate me more.

• Be happy when I make a good grade.

• When I tell you the truth about something, don't go and try to fix me.

• Spend time with me. Talk to me about school.

• Don't fuss if I get a C on my report card and I tried my best.

• Don't make me feel bad because I am not smart.

• Stand up for me. Show other people you are proud of me.

• Show me how to love school.

• Pay more attention to me. Encourage me to do well.

• Thank you for always asking me what my day was like and for trying to understand me.

• Thank you for saying you love me.

This list was humbling to me. I think it shows that, no matter the context, our kids need our love, help, support, and encouragement. And it makes me want to ask my sons, "How could Daddy be a better parent?" I think they would say, "Play with us more!" What do you think your kids would say?

Saying Thanks

Taking the Stress Out of School

1. Encourage excellence but emphasize to your preteen that she does not base her self-worth on grades. There is a balance here. Push her to do her best but assure that her value is grounded in being a child of God. 
2. Ensure that your preteen has enough time to study and complete homework. Procrastinating or rushing through assignments will catch up to your preteen sooner or later. Be proactive in this area. Know what assignments are coming up and help your preteen set aside enough time to get all of them done.
   
3. Celebrate your preteen's success. Be eager and quick to point out when your preteen does well. When she earns a good grade, praise her! When she writes a paper, ask to read it and give her positive feedback. If the only time you talk about school is when you are critical, your preteen most likely will worry more.

Where Do You Go for Parenting Advice?

Have you seen the latest research on parenting? A study released by LifeWay Research, the research arm of LifeWay Christian Resources, conducted a survey of 1,200 parents with children under age 18. The study reveals that most parents are consistently looking for guidance to help them be better parents. But where do they look to better themselves? Research shows that parents primarily depend upon their own experience to guide them in their decisions as a parent. Only about 14 percent of parents look to the Bible as a source of parenting advice. Even Christian parents look to the Bible at a low rate.

But parents do express the need for help. Ninety-two percent of parents say they need encouragement in parenting. These numbers show the great need for parents to have support, understanding, and mentoring in the task of parenting. But many times parents are too busy, stressed, or even embarrassed at their failures to seek help. So the question is: How can we make time in our schedules to form relationships with other parents where we are vulnerable, willing to listen, and use our weaknesses to help others?

I was challenged this weekend on our Sunday School class retreat to do just this -- to see my story with its successes and failures as a gift from God. As parents, this is so important as we face the uncertainties and questions that come with parenting our kids. I want to challenge you to do the same and to be willing to impact other parents in your life -- to be an encourager, to be available to follow God's plan for your life, and to be real with your challenges as parents.

ParentLife is so grateful to be a small part of your parenting journey. When we developed our slogan -- Encouraging and Equipping Parents -- we recognized how important these tasks are in helping parents carry our their sacred calling as parents. We hope this blog and each issue of ParentLife will encourage and equip you to be a better parent.

Do you agree that parents need more encouragement? Where do you find encouragement as a parent? Let us know how we can better partner with you in your parenting journey.