07.13.10
A Candid Conversation with a Mega-Church Pastor Who Didn't Affair Proof His Marriage II
Today is day two of a very important series of conversations with Brad Johnson, former pastor of a mega-church in southern California. In way of introduction, I've included the two paragraphs below. If you read yesterday's post, feel free to skip these two paragraphs and go straight to the interview. If you are joining in the conversation for the first time today, I'd suggest you read yesterday's introduction.
I had the opportunity of serving alongside and under the direction of Senior Pastor Brad Johnson for nearly seven years. Brad is undoubtedly one of the greatest leaders I have ever known. His passion for God's church, sincerity of heart, ability to bring about change, and his communication skills makes him a premiere church leader. Brad transitioned a rural Kentucky church and in the process grew her from a congregation of less than 300 to nearly 2,000. He left Kentucky when Rick Warren requested he come on staff at Saddleback Church. While at Saddleback he served as one of her teaching pastors and was given oversight of her Home Base ministry. Then Calvary Community Church, a soon to be mega-church in Westlake Village, California came calling. Brad exited the well-known Saddleback Church to become the senior pastor at Calvary Community. It was there that Brad made the devastating mistake of allowing himself to enter into a relationship with a woman other than his wife.
Over the years Brad and I have spoken often of his story and how others can learn from his destructive decision. I asked Brad if he would be willing to allow me to interview him. His honesty and openness are not only refreshing, it may protect some of you from making the same mistake.
Rick: How was the church you pastored at the time of your affair been affected by your sin and how is she doing today?
Brad: I am quite sure that only heaven will reveal all the harm my decisions had on the precious congregation I was privileged to pastor. Much of the damage was in the spiritual realm, the witness of the church suffered and pervasive spiritual harm was done to individual hearts....all of which I may never fully see, or that I cannot fully measure. On the other side of the issue are the tangible, measurable parts of the church that were also deeply wounded: Attendance fell, finances faltered, stress on staff increased, and Elders were put in the impossible place of damage control. And my sin became a distraction to the true and noble purposes of the church. Now, over three years later, I'm so thankful that a wonderful new pastor has been in place for a while, attendance is growing, finances are stable, morale is high and the church is pointed in a terrific direction.
Rick: How was your family affected?
Brad: There are no words to describe the harm I did to my family. And without overstating it, I am quite sure the damage will ripple with repercussions for generations. The trauma is beyond belief. My wife didn't deserve, nor does any wife deserve such wreckage in her home, in her marriage or for her kids. No heart should be so betrayed or broken. The wounds are such that only God can heal over a very long period of time. My children were also profoundly affected. Their sense of what marriage is was marred. Their trust in their father was shattered (and their ability to trust other men has been hindered). Their sense of stability in their home or life has been brought into question. Their hearts and emotions were crushed by my sin. Through God's grace, my children and ex-wife are healing, but it has been horrific.
Rick: I know you had brought some very gifted people onto the staff team. How did your moral failure affect them and what is your relationship with them today?
Brad: Because of my rebellion early on and then mainly because of intense shame, I walked away and cut off a relationship with most friends that were in my life (and some walked away from me). Thankfully, I have reconciled with many former friends from my past, and have personally apologized and asked for forgiveness from the staff with whom I worked most closely. Though I don't enjoy the relationships with former staff I once had, they have-for the most part- been very gracious to me.
Rick: What did you lose personally due to your moral failure?
Brad: The losses are impossible to calculate. How does one quantify a 30-year career and reputation, or the trust of one's children, or ability to serve in the kingdom of our Lord? How does one talk about the destruction of a soul, so corrupted by sin? In measurable ways, I lost a million dollars in net worth, I lost my home, my marriage, and for a season--my children, my self-esteem, my peace of mind, my sense of God's love for me, and the opportunity to influence people toward Jesus. I lost every single bit of the life I once had and enjoyed. It was all gone. And in place of all that was the convicting, crushing awareness that all by myself, I caused this wreckage and loss.
Rick: In the months prior to the affair becoming public, what did you experience?
Brad: I walked into a darkness and depression that I didn't understand or even know could exist. I attempted suicide prior to leaving the church (and two other times after). I couldn't sleep, couldn't function, couldn't bear the lie I was living and the harm I had caused my family. I knew I needed to resign. I could not handle the duplicity. So I resigned, citing burn out and depression. The church did not know all the reasons for my resignation.
Rick: In the months following the affair becoming public, what did you experience?
Brad: As a follower of Jesus, the profound conviction that accompanies unconfessed sin and an unrepentant heart is suffocating. I grew more depressed and more desperate and despondent. I attempted suicide two other times. The third time, I awoke with paramedics in my home, EKG pads on my chest and police in my house. The weight of all I had done, the lies I had told, the shame I brought on our Lord's name, the damage done to my family and to the church....how does one live with that? I didn't want to. In retrospect, I also realize that the truth shall set you free. Once my sin was exposed (some time after leaving the church and taking secular employment), I no longer lived with the thrumming fear of exposure that seized my thoughts every single day for over a year. Like a cancer being removed, my exposure and the survival of suicide was the beginning of my repentance and return to a relationship with Jesus.
Rick: How would your life be different if you had, at the point of realizing you could and might cross that line, done what was necessary to walk away from the relationship?
Brad: I can't tell you how many hours and months I have spent considering this question. What if? My family would be together, my wife and kids would have been unharmed, my witness would have remained in tact, the church would have been spared her pain...and I would have learned powerful lessons without the accompanying devastation. Though I have learned those lessons now, it has been at a horrendous price.
Rick: Is there anything you'd like to say to the people who made up the church you were serving and the staff team you were leading?
Brad: I have had personal meetings with the Elders of the church and have expressed myself to them in writing and have been forgiven by the Elders, but I wish I could completely crack open my emotions and thoughts for people to see the contrition, brokenness, and repentance that I experienced as a result of the sin I committed against the Lord and against them. I wish I could convey the sorrow over the harm that resulted from my sin and I wish the church could know my deep prayer that they experience a fresh wind and season of ministry far beyond what they ever hoped or thought.
Thanks for doing this interview and to Brad for opening his life. I didn't know this story, but having served near him in KY I am familiar with his abilities.
It amazes me how much criticism I get when I talk about how I protect myself from things like this. Such as the comments on this post: http://www.ronedmondson.com/2009/12/7-ways-i-protect-my-heart-and-ministry-from-an-affair.html
Thanks Rick. Hope this helps others.
Rick- Thanks so much for being willing to approach this topic. So many great reminders in both parts of this interview. So appreciate your heart for the Kingdom.
Brad- Thanks for being so brave to open up your heart and share with all of us. I know how difficult this journey has been for you and your family. Your authenticity is so refreshing in a sea of posturing and superficiality. Love you friend.
Rick and Brad, I count it an honor to call each of you a friend.
I'm sure many in Kentucky are glad that things are looking up for Brad.
Paige- FBC Mt. Washington
Refreshingly honest post.
This should be required reading in every seminary in America.
thanks for this interview and Brad thanks for being open and honest...though it wasn't God's plan for you to go through this, your experience can help others like myself not go through it...
www.bathosdeeper.blogspot.com
It's so, so, so good to read this. Because it's a whole truth (as much as possible), not the partial truth, not just "and then this great man fell...". Here is the aftermath, the side of the story you don't hear. It helps to understand, to see a bigger picture, to be sympathetic, realistic, and even to forgive.
Brad uses a lot of language that conveys to me that his guilt, the foreboding mass of his sin, weighs very heavy on him. "The losses are impossible to calculate." perhaps, but the goodness Jesus Christ has done through this man, before his sin, and the redemption that Christ will bring about after this fall... is much greater.
Good... GOD... does triumph over evil, HE has overcome the world, and that includes Brad Johnson's sin. Praise the Lord.
God bless you Brad for your authenticity and transparency.It surely ministers to us.Nomatter the present conditions,you are deeply loved by your eavenly Father,family and true friends.repentance is a gift that has been given freely to you.You are forgiven embracing His Grace,Jesus Christ.With the greatest of brotherly love in Him.