We are always challenged to teach truth in the face of difficult circumstances women face. Perhaps you too have been faced with a woman considering divorce. Consider what guest blogger Kim Jaggers  has to say about this very situation played out in her own life as a leader of women.

 

"She isn’t sure when the thought took hold.   She never expected life would be so disappointing.   As much as she wants to be happy, she just isn’t and it is so hard to fake it for herself, for her kids, for her husband, and for her church.   She is tired of trying; and she is pretty sure the man she married is too.   His long hours away used to bother her.  She used to wonder if there might be someone else….now she hardly cares.  

You’ve sat with her in Bible study.  You’ve picked up on her sadness and seen through the mask she has tried to wear.  Occasionally, her words have hinted at the struggle inside her heart, and now she has confided in you; she is done trying.   She wants to be happy.  She deserves to be happy, right?  She believes her kids would be better off away from the fighting and the faking; and she thinks she may even have scriptural grounds for divorce.   She looks at you through tears.   What do you say?

You’ve always had a happy marriage… not perfect, but happy.   Doesn’t your friend deserve to be happy too?   How awful it must be for her kids to hear all the fighting, and if he has been unfaithful, doesn’t God say it is okay for her to leave?  Wouldn’t it be best?

On the surface, most people in and out of church would say “yes”.   However, life after divorce is anything but “best”, and the enemy is positioned to wreak tremendous havoc that many do not consider when contemplating divorce.   When marriages end, problems multiply and are magnified and the effect is generational.  Once divorced, your friend can expect her income to be one fourth that of two-parent homes (National Survey of Families and Households).  At some point, she can expect to find herself owed child support which is late or never paid (2000 National Child Support Report).  She can expect to have to work outside of the home to make ends meet; and 48 percent of those like her will have to work two jobs (Bureau of Labor Statistics).  As a single parent woman she can expect to experience the highest rate of unemployment and receive the lowest rate of pay regardless of her education (Economic Roundtable, 2004).  Once her marriage ends, she may find her standard of living tumble as 41 percent of single moms live at or below the poverty level as compared to only 8 percent of married couples with children under the age of 18 (Bureau of Labor Statistics, 2002-2003).

Some may say they would trade their higher standard of living to get away from the constant fighting or the devastation of unfaithfulness.  Yet, financial devastation may be the least of the problems she will face.  Most women would tell you they would do anything for their kids.  Many would tell you they would “jump in front of a truck” to protect their child; and many believe leaving an unhappy or even unfaithful marriage is best for their kids.  However, the decision to leave a marriage can have devastating consequences for children that most people do not consider.   Ninety percent of all kids who run away from home do so from homes where a father is not present as do 85 percent of all children who exhibit behavioral disorders (Centers for Disease Control), and 71 percent of all kids who drop out of high school  (National Principals Association Report on the State of High Schools).   Numerous studies show kids from broken homes are more likely to have sex before marriage, do drugs, and commit suicide.  Similar studies show children from broken homes are more likely to end up divorced themselves. Indeed, the enemy gets a lot of generational “bang for his buck” impact when a marriage falls apart.   Problems do not end when the marriage ends and are, in fact, often multiplied.

God tells us He “hates divorce” (Mal 2:16), and as I work with hundreds of Single Mom families, I have began to really understand why.    I lead a ministry called The Well, and most of the women we serve will tell you “the grass is not greener on the other side”.   After divorce, they find their lives are still hard if not harder, and many no longer feel they fit in at church.    One of our long-time church members who recently lost her marriage to divorce told me, “there is no place that I feel lonelier than church.   Sometimes, it is unbearable.” 

So, What then… What do you tell your friend considering divorce?   Tell her what Jesus would tell her.  Speak truth in love.   She needs to know life may be hard now, but it could get much harder if she chooses divorce.  She also needs to know, God is still the Miracle Maker.   Tell your friend, tell yourself…. Nothing is impossible with God (Luke 1:37).  In our ministry we have seen God heal marriages that I would have never thought possible.  We have even seen Him restore to joy marriages that have suffered from addiction and adultery.   It is not easy.  The enemy will not make it easy and we all need to know he is attacking marriages within the church like never before.   But we absolutely do not have to give the enemy all he wants.   Marriage is worth fighting for, but it takes incredible work and strength that only God can provide…. But He will provide it.  He will be an ever-present help in times of trouble (Ps 46:1) including marriage times of trouble.  With Him there is love for the unlovely and forgiveness that is beyond ourselves.   In Him, there is help to do what our minds can never imagine we could do.  God can restore the years the locust ate (Joel 2:25), but we have to agree to follow Him with all we have, and we have to believe it is worth it.   Tell your friend it is worth it.   She can see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living (Ps 27:13).   When we choose to follow God, when we keep our promise to Him about our marriage….we can see His blessing even in the most gut-wrenching of trials. Furthermore, we have the opportunity to bless our children and their children after them for a thousand generations (Deut 7:9).   Pray for your friend.  Encourage your friend.   Tell her to give it all she has and give it to God.  When we give it to Him, when we fight with all we have to follow Him for our families, we can avoid regret and find surprise-ourselves strength because “The one who calls you is faithful and he will do it.”  (I Thess 5:24).


Suggested resource:

Women Making a Difference in Marriage
 

Kim Jaggers is deeply in-love with Jesus Christ and desires to point others to a real relationship with Him.   Kim had the fairy tale life – a petite, dark-haired, Southern-Baptist girl who grew up and married the gorgeous, charming captain of the football team.  This picture-perfect couple quickly acquired the picture-perfect life – promising careers, beautiful home, topped off with a healthy baby boy.   But, little did Kim know the picture would soon shatter into a thousand irretrievable pieces with the loss of her home, her husband’s addiction to cocaine and his eventual suicide during her critically ill newborn’s surgery.  Her story is a faith journey which will inspire those who come against intense hardship to turn to God for strength and hope to overcome spiritual battles that besiege them.   It will also encourage those who aren’t currently facing difficult times to purposefully seek God and enjoy life with the knowledge that He will never leave them or forsake them.

Kim speaks at churches and women’s events across the country sharing her story as well as excerpts from her writings including “Nineteen Ways to be More Than a Conqueror of Your Problems.”   Her e-devotional “Single Moment” is received by hundreds each week.  She also started and leads The Well- at First Baptist Concord in Knoxville, TN - a ministry serving hundreds of Single Moms and their kids which has now been birthed in several other churches.   Kim has 3 children: Will (17), Ben (15) and Abi Grace (11).   She is blessed to be married to Deron Jaggers.   To read her complete story and learn more visit: www.morethanchocolate.org

About every 2 weeks our women's training and event team meets for what we call Marriage Monday.  Sometimes it’s Marriage Monday on Thursday due to our schedules, but the purpose is the same no matter what day it may fall.   We have used for part of our discussion, Shaunti Feldhahn’s book, For Women Only.  She used extensive research with men to write about 7 key needs for a man.

 The first issue we addressed was the man’s need for respect, even above love.  For him, respect shows love.  Shaunti says that, “Men would rather feel unloved than inadequate and disrespected.” Ephesians 5 seems to confirm this when it says that women are to respect their husband, not love him!  As women we want to sometimes control things which indicates to the man that we do not trust him to handle them.

 Now I don’t know about you, but I know I often do not show my husband the respect that he needs and deserves.

 Shaunti tells us to respect his judgment instead of always questioning his ideas. I remember when Pat and I first got married, I questioned every decision he made. I always had a better way of doing something. Winning each battle was important to me since “I was surely right!”  Shaunti says we are to respect his abilities to figure things out for himself. She also tells us to respect him through our communication, and maybe one of the most important ones, respect him in public. I always hate to see women put their husbands down in front of others. It makes me wonder how she talks to him in private!     This past January, my mom passed away after several years of ill health.  During those years, I had taken care of mom and all her business for several years so when she died, I immediately went into planning mode from funeral arrangements, to travel arrangements for our family to head to West Texas for the funeral, and all other details in between. When I went into “take charge” mode, I stayed in it.  After the funeral, without my conscious awareness, I’d begun bossing my husband. It was just so hard to turn it off after having to deal with all the funeral arrangements and make the decisions. At one point, I was “directing” him to tell my sister goodbye at the hotel the night before she was flying back home.  He quickly let me know I’d ordered him around enough!  When I innocently asked him what he was talking about, he explained how I had been acting toward him.  Only then did I realize that I’d really left him out of things and had treated  him disrespectfully…and in front of other family members! I had not meant to do it, but sometimes we aren’t aware that how we talk to and about our spouses has a huge impact on them.

 She concludes the chapter on respect with this comment, “Just as we love to hear “I love you,” a man’s heart is powerfully touched by a few simple words: “I’m so proud of you.” 

My husband is a great handyman. He can fix almost anything and has saved us thousand of dollars in repair bills over the 38+ years we’ve been married.  Every time he does, I go on about it, not just to make him feel good, although I want him to feel good, but because I really am grateful he can fix so many things. I talk to women all the time whose husbands don’t fix anything around the house. We actually have a friend that has to borrow my husband’s screwdriver! 

 If you are married, tell your husband today how proud you are of him. If you are single, what other men in your life can you tell?  A father? A son? A brother? A fiancé or boyfriend? Don’t wait till later, do it now!

How do you show respect to the men in your life?

Watch for upcoming Marriage Monday conversation!

Check out LifeWay’s Marriage Events. 

Festival of Marriage ;  Toward a Growing Marriage; The Great Marriage Experience

Ever do something for your husband thinking it would show him how much you love him but he didn’t seem to get it? Or do you wish he would show you his love for you in a specific way but he never does?

At a Marriage Monday meeting of our women’s team, we discussed something that changed one of our member’s marriage completely! Melissa facilitated our meeting this week and shared how God had opened her eyes to how to bless her husband and how he was blessing her without her really knowing it.  She shared a book, The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman.  If you aren’t familiar with this book, the concept is that everyone has a love language: acts of service, physical touch, words of affirmation, quality time or gifts.  Normally we try to show our spouse love using our own love language rather than his. The ideal is to find out your man’s language and use that to show you love him.

Melissa shared an assessment  with us so we could discover our own love language. There is one assessment for the wife and another for the husband.

I have known for a long time that my husband wants words of affirmation. He has a strong reaction to criticism or what even appears criticism. Because respect is the most important need a man has, this should be obvious to me. Sometimes my words are thoughtless and can bite deep without my even meaning to. I want to be proactive in finding ways to say how much he means to me, how important he is, and especially what a great “handy man” and I try to tell him often what that means to me. It’s even better to tell him in front of others.

I think I am pretty mixed up because I want it all!  All five love languages!  But my highest was a tie between acts of service and quality time. We were given the assignment to discover our husband’s love language and to make sure he knows ours before our next meeting. As we know their love language, we are to speak that language daily to our guys.

Can you imagine a better way to say Happy Valentine’s Day?  What are you doing to communicate to your man in a practical way just how much you love him? Share your ideas in the comments box.



*Marriage Monday is a meeting of women at our office who want to grow strong marriages. We meet every couple of weeks to discuss what’s going on and we share ideas and learn from one another’s experiences as we seek to be godly wives.