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My girls are still young, but they are modest. Especially my 9 year old— she wouldn’t wear some hand-me-downs from a friend because she thought they were too sexy. S-E-X grosses her out anyway LOL.

~Leslie

From day 1, my girls (ages 5 and 1), have had clothing standards set by my husband. No spaghetti straps, halter tops, belly button showing. My husband’s reasoning is, “why allow those things when they are young, but take them away at a certain age because they show too much?”

I have to sometimes tell my 5 year old that certain clothes are not appropiate in our home, and soon it will be cemented in her. With my 5 year old, not shopping in little girls, instead of the toddler section, it has been more challening finding appropiate things, but Lands End Kids saved the day. Cute, classy, and modest!

I do think that part of it is a parental issue. I have a friend who used to let her daughter wear skimpy clothing when she was FOUR years old. Everyone would say, “doesn’t she look darling?” She is now sixteen and doesn’t understand why she can’t keep wearing the same styles that she always has.

As a mother of a sixteen year old son, I am struggling desperately to keep his mind focused where it should be. I don’t have any solutions for this generation, but I believe that we can change future ones.

(and honestly, do you wonder what some of these gals were thinking when they looked in the mirror that morning? Most people are not made for spandex or low cut anything, myself included.)

Modesty is a BIG issue with us especially because we live in a very fleshy area, THE BEACH! You’ll see girls in very small bikinis or as I call it their underwear walking down the street on a daily basis in the summer. We have a 14 year old daughter and 2 boys 6 and 3. My daughter is determined to be a modest young lady. She has joined in with other modest teens on the internet and they hold each other accountable. My guidelines on modesty are this. If it is going to make another man stumble, I don’t wear it. As we know men are VERY visual. So cover up the two problem areas, the cleavage and the butt lol!Don’t wear low cut shirts or spaghetti strapped shirts or short skirts and short shorts. I don’t wear a bathing suit anymore instead I wear woman’s board shorts and a tank top if I am going swimming. A great book that speaks about all things modesty and how this country has gotten where it is today is called Christian Modesty-the public undressing of America. It’s a great book that will definitely challenge you. I can’t say that I do everything in the book as I live in a very hot climate but I do my best.All in all pray about it and let the Lord guide you in your decisions. I also ask my husband about certain attire and let him decide. Hope this helps. Have a great day! Blessings, Kim

Good questions. And the other question - when your hubby is surrounded by women as you’ve descibed, how do you keep his eye without going the same route?

Hello,

Loved the post! With summer in full swing, clothing is a great topic to cover.

I don’t have any problems with wearing clothing that covers everything. A lot of this is because I am overweight and I’m just not comfortable having a roll or two on public display.

If I were to slim down to a size 6 I might be tempted to run around stark naked demanding people look at me to admire all the Big Macs I’ve given up: ) Just kidding!

Take Care,

Trixie

This is a tough one for a lot of people, especially parents of girls. We went round and round with our daughter when she was in her mid-teens. The summer before her senior year of high school we had a Sunday School class just for the ladies and since the high school kids don’t have a class of their own but choose from the adult classes, most of the high school girls ended up in this class. Now you’re prob’ly thinking we covered the whole modesty issue in the class, aren’t you? I think we did, but that’s not the point of this lengthy comment. No, what came out of that class was the emphasis on MENTORING and those who might be interested signed up and a whole lot of mentoring started goin’ on. And the dear lady who mentored my daughter had a way of sharing with right from the Word that the daughter had a way of accepting. Then to top it off the daughter chose to spend a year at Word of Life Bible Institute right after high school. And the lessons they did teach did reinforce what we had taught, and what her mentor had shared, and she came home a CONVERT on the modesty issue. And now she works with high school girls and she goes round and round with them. Just last week they went camping and the rule of the one-piece swimsuit was emphasized. But you know, even the one-piece suit can be scandalizing! Oh yes, it can! So the daughter and the other leader did require those girls with the skimpy one-piece swimsuits to cover up with a t-shirt. Our pastor has preached on modesty, not in a condemning way but just to point out what Scripture has to say. I think it doth fall on deaf ears at times. The ladies in our church who are committed to mentoring do so with the goal of teaching their girls to be more like Jesus, and you can be sure this issue gets covered — in hopes that they will become covered. :-) But making negative or derogatory comments in passing won’t help. It may bruise or even wound deeply a girl who just doesn’t know any better because no one has ever taken the time to teach her. So if we want to do something really effective, find a girl who needs a mentor. Gently and lovingly show her the way to become a woman after God’s own heart. And we know that doesn’t just cover the modesty issue.

Hi Sophie, Boy do I hear you on this one! Just last weekend our 17 yr. old son had some kids from CHURCH over to swim, and my LANDS, I could not believe the itsy bitsy teenie weenie bikinis! What are those parents thinking? Do those Dad’s want boys looking at their daughters like that? I don’t want my son exposed to that kind of EXPOSURE! As for our 2 girls, 19 and 13, fortunately they are modest on their own. The 19 year old always said she hated spring at high school cause she got sick of looking at the “thong and booby festival”. The younger one is a fan of the layering, cami’s, tank tops. Because it’s not like you can find a top that doesn’t plunge! I can see why girls dress the way they do though. Whenever I have to go to school for things, I can’t believe how the moms are dressed. They have on inappropriately young, short, revealing and tightassecondskin clothes. These girls are learning at the feet of the masters.

Dressing girls modestly today can be a challenge (definitely not an impossibility, but a challenge nonetheless.) It’s easy enough to keep my three-year-old looking sweet and fresh, but it’s a totally different story with the 10 yo. Most of the girls’ sections in major department stores are outfitted like they are trying to dress chicks who want to stand on a corner. I’m just sayin’. The 22 yo is on her own now. She does quite well with the keeping it modest thing. Perhaps she heard me rail against the nakedness of our Baptist church pews too much.

I love this subject! It is very near and dear to my heart. My oldest will be 12 next month. We talk about how to dress, all the time. And I try to explain things to her in a non-judgemental way. I also don’t allow certain animated figurines (w/o saying which ones) to be played with. As far as the woman, there are too many that dress like their daughters. Shudder.

Oh my, I am SO glad you’re talking about this. I have three daughters, so modesty (or the lack thereof in our society) is a huge topic of conversation at our house. My older two are teenagers, and their dad is a good barometer as to what’s acceptable and what’s not. We don’t do tank tops, strappy tops, or bikinis at our house, and sometimes that’s hard because it sets them apart at school and at the pool, but they are o.k. with that. They do a lot of layering—i.e. t-shirts underneath strappy tops. We just try to tell them that what they wear on the outside really does reflect what’s on the inside.

I could say so much more, but I’ll refrain for now. I got a lot of good guidance a couple of years ago from a book by Hayley DiMarco called “Sexy Girls: How Hot is Too Hot?”. You can find it at your Christian bookstore. Very helpful for moms of teenagers.

I teach at a local college and have been astounded at times by the attire. While I can’t control the wardrobe of the entire campus, I do have influence over those in my classes. The link below is the speech/warning/lecture I give to my students right after I hand out the syllabus:

http://jonisjoy.blogspot.com/2008/04/mushroom-cap-cover-ups.html

I grew up in a very modest home. I’m certain that’s why I am the way that I am. I love fashion, but it must be tasteful. You know what gets me? Hootchie clothes for little girls. So. Very. Wrong.

We’re very aware of what our girls wear (they’re 2 and 3). I’m trying to set the precident now so that the battle might not be as hard later. I don’t let them wear bikinis, halter tops or dresses- things like that. I wouldn’t want them wearing these things when they’re 12 so why let them wear them now?

BooMama - thank you for addressing this!! I cannot tell you how many times I have seen women at church or Christian events that do not dress any differently than the world and I wonder what message they are trying to give with their clothing. Personally, I am a late 20s single and while I am not one to advocate a moo moo or 1800s dresses with high necks or ankle skirts, my rule of thumb is I don’t want to wear anything that is going to cause a brother in Christ to stumble. Being trendy is not bad, being overly revealing is.

For myself…I try to ask myself if my clothing is honoring to God and to my husband. I wear inexpensive tanks under shirts with low cut necklines. I couldn’t pull off the low-rise pants, even if I tried (childbirth does that to you)…ditto for belly baring shirts.

For my 9 year old girl…I don’t let her wear 2-piece bathing suits (unless it’s a tankini). We buy clothes (on sale) from Gap and Lands End, and some things from Aeropostle. We’ve had the “you’re not going to look like a hoochie mama” discussion several times. She knows she flat out doesn’t have a choice right now. Hopefully it will be second nature to her by the time she’s out of the house.

I don’t have girls, so I’ll just have to speak for myself. If I have a shirt on that shows belly at all, then I’m not wearing it. Cleavage? Well, I don’t have it, so I can’t flaunt it. But I wouldn’t even if I did. Even something like V-neck tees make me nervous! I’m way more cautious about what image my appearance projects than I used to be. Guess I’m just getting old! :-)

Typically when I’m deciding what clothes are modest, I just try to hide my fat parts, and it turns out all good… I’m usually in jeans and long sleeve tees. lol

More realistically, if I feel like the “most dressed” one (happens often), then I feel pretty certain I’m being modest. This doesn’t mean that I’m wearing a habit all day. But capri pants and a thick strapped tank would be a good summertime choice for me.

I struggle with all the cute summer tops being too showy. My big concern is my 11 year old son. He is becoming aware of the female and I don’t ever want him to feel uncomfortable over what his mother is wearing!

Gosh the spectrum runs wide, doesn’t it, among believing women? I know ladies who would balk at my wearing jeans and trousers and others who would raise an eyebrow at the un-hipness of my Walmart Lee jeans.

For me, I like things that fit (i.e. not too tight, not too loose, that cover my skin) but that have some style to them. Finding this in one place is tough. I own a lot of tank tops so that I can wear them under v-neck shirts that are too low.

My husband is a very reasonable “critic” - I mean that in the best sense of the word. He will let me know when something might not be kind to his fellow men, such as a shirt that is too low cut. He doesn’t tell me to take it off, but warns me not to bend over. (Since I have five million little kids, it’s easier to go change my shirt than worry about bending over.)

I’ve heard a lot of talk about “modesty,” but usually it was implying that I have to wear a denim jumper. That is not my how I roll. So, I’m interested to see what other people say. Thanks for your boldness in broaching this topic.

So true. I’m really really tall… and finding dresses that are modest has been a challenge but the cute leggings that are available help a lot now and it seems like they are selling longer shorts too! Having a 10 year old and 17 year old daughter presents many challenges too! I think my best tool is when I see that clothes have become inappropriate (maybe they have outgrown them or something) instead of making a big deal about it they just don’t make it through the laundry shuffle. I tuck them away and no one worries about it. When they wear things that are showing too much skin, I just say, “try again.” and they do. They don’t want to show too much skin either. Most of the time.

I’ve always had great role models growing up who were trendy and modest, so I’ve been very lucky. I’m not comfortable showing too much, but every once in a while I’ll find something I just love that might be a little revealing. I just ask my husband if he thinks it’s too..well…”ho-bag-ish” is the term I use. He yays or nays and then we move on.

I am a mom to three boys and was shocked about a year ago when I realized my 6 year old was sitting on the couch flipping through a Victoria’s Secret magazine I had left in the magazine rack.

After that I realized how I also needed to protect my sons from this issue!

This is a great topic, as we were bombarded with it again lastnight. We decided that we would watch the new Family Feud together as a family. Being as it was a game show and on at 7:00, you would think it would be safe. Not even close!!! The first family was just down right raunchy in language and dress. So off it went. It is a hard day we live in and the main thing we are trying to do is to stay away from any mainstream media. I know that sounds radical but in order to protect the hearts and minds of those I so deeply love, it is a must. It’s hardest to find modest clothing for my girls. Usually, we have to get a few sizes bigger so that the clothing wont be skin tight or short short. It’s sad to be this way but its reality. There are a few good modest clothing sites, as well. I hope this helps. Blessings, Trixi

MM, Mm Ma’am! Let’s just say I have some “girls” that are a little bit uh, on the big side. SO, I try very hard to keep those “girls” under wraps because I don’t want anyone seeing the great divide, if you know what I mean.! I am very modest, but I’d say I’m pretty dern fashionable too.

I also have to real, life human girls who are 9 and 8 and we talk to them all the time about modesty and God’s best for them. They can totally look cute with out it being too short or too tight and so on. They often ask if their clothes they’ve picked out are appropriate. I love that they are aware.

You are SO not kidding, sister. I had a ‘reavealing’ conversation (sorry, just couldn’t resist) with a guy friend about this. He initiated the conversation after a rather exposed woman sang a solo at church. He and his friends (most were married) had to keep their eyes on the floor during her song. They actually sat there praying for the Lord to remove the image from their minds and help them focus on the upcoming sermon.

This godly man’s perspective made me realize how it is our responsibility to be a blessing and not a stumbling block to our brothers in Christ - in church and the airport.

For my girl who is now 15, there are several “tests” that the garment must pass.

She must raise her hands over her head. If any belly is showing, then the shirt is a NO.

She also must bend over in front of me so that I can see if I can see down her shirt. If I can, the shirt is a NO.

For shorts, they must be longer than her fingertips if her hands are down to her sides.

Dresses/skirts must come to the knee.

One of the things that I really like is that people are layering shirts now, but I have struggled to find tank tops to layer under really cute shirts that are high enough in the front, and long enough in the back. I also refuse to let her wear low-rise jeans. I hate those things.

Whenever talking to my daughter, I remind her that she has an obligation to the men around her not to make them lust, which is a sin. If she is wearing clothing that draws attention to sex parts, then she shouldn’t be wearing those clothes.

I remember 3 years ago, I was at Walmart and a woman wearing a short shirt and a pair of low rise jeans was all squatted down looking at flip-flops. My then 15 year old son was with me and we both got a full view of something neither of us should have seen.

So I said, “I can see your butt.” She stood up really quickly, pulled her shirt down and her jeans up. She was embarrassed, but then because she was embarrassed, she got defensive and said “well, you shouldn’t have been looking” I said, “honey, I wasn’t but it was out there for everyone to see, and my 15 year old son doesn’t need to be seeing your butt, and I quite frankly don’t want to either.” and walked away.

I have a 10 year old son and I like to watch him sometimes when someone outside is dressed inapropriately…I don’t see any recognition yet…thank God!

Ugh! Hoochie mamma is a phrase frequently uttered in our house. My 11 year old is modest, she just doesn’t like a lot of cumbersome clothing, so often she comes in for outfit approval, only to hear the hoochie mamma description. Thankfully she just laughs and changes- I am praying that lasts a while longer.

My husband is a high school principal and what the girls wear these days is appalling. And yes, I realize I sounds 842 years old by saying that, but it is the truth!

I agree with your concern about teaching young girls to dress appropriately. I buy the majority of my niece’s clothing and I refuse to buy anything that resembles something I would wear. Mind you, I don’t wear inappropriate clothing, but I’m 24 and she’s 5. There’s a BIG difference in the clothing. Or I should say, there should be. She’s 5, not 25 and she’ll dress like it for now.

As for when she’s older, well I think leading by example is your best bet. Younger generations can’t learn to dress modestly if they’re walking around with a mom who has all her business on display for the world to see.

Letting it all hang out—ESPECIALLY the new “all” that seems to have been given permission to hang out in the past few years—is a fashion phenomenon I do.not. understand. I actually feel sorry for young men (and boys :( ) because how can they help the thoughts that form in their minds when cleavage and cracks (sorry, it makes me mad) are right in front of them?? I have two sons, 11 & 14 and it’s a battle to seed respectful thinking about girls when they’re constantly subjected to “that”.

Thankfully, my daughter is offended by most fashion trends; I don’t have to battle her about what to wear. That being said, it’s WORK to find nice, trendy clothes for her, that aren’t too tight or revealing. We talk about how guys perceive girls based on what they wear…I guess we’ve had those conversations since she was about 10.

A few years ago, I read “For Women Only” (Shaunti Feldhahn) and it was a GREAT conversation starter with my husband. I realized even adult, married men have “thoughts” and I don’t need to encourage them by what I have on. It’s not right or fair for anyone!

There are plenty of choices for nice looking outfits (in the women’s or misses sections, lol, not juniors) where “everything” is covered.

And, whoever had the idea that “mushrooming” over the top of your low-rise jeans was a “good” idea must have gravy for brains!

It’s very difficult to raise a modest daughter nowadays. Fashion seems to be about showing as much off as you can get away with. My daughter and I talk about modesty often. Our word to describe dressing immodestly is skanky. My daughter & I have been to two Revolve tours where Chad Eastham was a speaker. He talks about girls being treasures or targets. My daughter wants to be, and be seen as, a treasure. When we shop she tries on everything. At home if something is to tight or to short or to low, it gets put in a pile for hand-me-downs immediately. I have had to refine the way I dress, paying more attention to how low cut &/or tight my clothing is. I have a 6 year old daughter who is in a hoochie mama stage. It’s ok for dressup around the house, but not out in public.

I wrote a post on this VERY thing last fall. (http://rwl10802.wordpress.com/2007/09/05/moratorium-on-indecent-exposure-please/) I teach in a middle school, and there is just NO shortage of boobages to behold. A couple of years back it was the thong. My husband ALSO teaches middle school, and was ASSAULTED with daily thong overload. He was not interested—in fact, he ran a daily thong report to let me know what were the colors of the day…but if he were a weaker man—or a pedophile—or a teen-aged boy, then that would have been some MAJOR temptation. Before anyone gets their “panties in a wad”—he wasn’t looking. It was much like you at gate E-7. No one CARES if we WANT to see their cleavage, or their panties…or their LACK of panties.

We are already teaching our girl what modest mean—when we see someone who is scantily clad on t.v. or in real life, I say, “They need to put some clothes on.” My girl already knows that there are parts of her that should be covered—and my boy too. It has gotten to where she won’t even try it on if it looks too short—or too low.

There is an interesting website that has men and boys opinions of the current state of dress (and undress) that they see each day. http://www.therebelution.com/modestysurvey/browse

You can read their survey results on how men view certain items of clothing. Sorry to hijack—this is just hitting a nerve with me.

I just posted about modesty during a Q & A on my blog last Friday. The specific question related to whether I was a bikini or one-piece gal and if the same standard applied to my girls.

Well, we taught our girls early on, because you really don’t want to deal with the fights later without having built a strong foundation. They are 14 now (twins) and there has never been one single issue about clothing choices. Thank you Lord! But it is really hard to find clothing to buy in the store that is appropriate for them and for myself too.

I also answered how I deal with the issue for my young boys and what they do when we see innappropriate or immodestly dressed girls and women. They look at their shoes, and if we need to hold their hand so they can walk, we do. If you want to see the entire post, go here http://pinkdaisygirl.blogspot.com/2008/06/know-tell-friday.html Just cut and paste into your web browser.

I also mentioned two fantastic books for girls that deal with the specific issues of modesty by Dannah Gresh. One is designed for 8-12 year old girls, while one is designed for teens.

I posted about my disturbing fashion insights at Vacation Bible School recently. This tells you EXACTLY how I feel about fashion these days.

http://theparkwife.blogspot.com/2008/06/vbs-week-insights.html

The Park Wife

I don’t wear anything I wouldn’t want my parents and grandparents to see me wearing. I teach my daughter that inappropriate clothing attracts the wrong kind of attention, and it is not acceptable in our home. I am astounded by the clothes that young girls are wearing, and even more so by the lack of modest clothing in stores.

Great comments, y’all - and I especially appreciate the gracious tone of your discussion.

And FishMama, you made me laugh out loud. Because I love fashion, too, and I think there is definitely a way to be sassy without being hoochie AND without having to wear a potato sack. :-) I have a feeling that will be part 2 of this discussion.

I don’t have a little girl, but I love, love, love the idea of setting high standards for your girls when they’re small and not having to “take away” what is permissible for them to wear when they’re older. Really good food for thought with that.

We talked about modesty over at my blog a couple of weeks ago. I am honestly shocked at how some women come dressed to church. I thought that it was just a problem in our area because we live in South Florida. It seems that people where less clothes in general around beach areas. Luckily, (maybe from the way she hears me talk but probably just because she gets it), my daughter will often say things like, “doesn’t that girl realize that you can see her bra through her shirt?” She is also good at following me around and anytime the sleeve of my shirt slips so you can see my bra strap, she pulls my shirt up quick. Thank the Lord she gets it.

I vet my outfits through my hubby. And he does his best to try and think about what he wants the world to see and not what he would love to see me wear in private! We try to keep our little girl in sweet stuff, not sassy. The interesting thing is what to say to my boys, who are 4 and almost 3. This summer, when I started wearing sleeveless shirts, they told me I was naked. Hubs sat them down and said that Mommy was not displeasing him or God with her clothes and they were not to be critical of Mommy. But I do think I need to take my boys’ words to heart and be careful.

When we’re at the pool, they will sometimes tell their little friends “you’re naked.” I remind them that not everyone makes the same choices about what to wear and it is not polite to say anything. This is only going to get tougher.

Big Mama once recommended something called a “chickie” by Juls and Meg. That’s been a life-saver this summer.

Modesty is topic after my own heart. It’s hard, though, to push modest speech and dress without going to the heart of modesty. Asking questions like, “Is wearing this going to glorify God?” “Am I wearing this to attract attention? Whose attention?” “What will another man see when he looks at me?”

I am only 23. I have been married for just over one year. My husband and I had so many discussions on modesty over the past several years. He is very quick to point out what won’t work…even sometimes things that seem harmless to me. A few of my tricks to remaining modest….most days of the week, I will wear a longer t-shirt underneath my shirt (I love Old Navy’s long tees). This is especially true when I am at work…I don’t need to be showing the high school students I’m teaching any of my business. I also put a t-shirt under dresses that don’t cover enough. Skirts have to be on or under the knee. I prefer that pants sit at least on my hip bone, if not a little above. The long t-shirt also helps with covering up what the pants may miss.

My husband and I teach junior high Sunday School, and I have to say that I do not envy you mothers. We have girls who wear skirts that are too short, and don’t know how to sit properly in them, thus exposing themselves to the class. We have had someone strip down to her skimpy undershirt when she got too warm. We have seen shorts that are more like underwear with wings. And that’s in the youth group and Sunday School room.

I have a boy, so fashion has not been as big an issue that I perceive it to be with girls. And he’s not one that wears his pants at the bottom of his hips where his “Hanes” are showing! But it is something that as youth leaders, we struggle with at our church youth group. The girls are good girls, but I don’t think they realize how they look. Especially since it’s the “norm” to let it all hang out! Maybe we need a “What Not to Wear” session for the girls.

When it comes to children and teenagers, I believe that parents should be fully in charge of what clothing they wear. I think it’s sad and borderline dangerous for young girls to be wearing inappropriate clothing.

However, how do I deal with the clothing choices some adults make? Well, I don’t judge. I don’t look at other women and make judgments about the clothing they’re wearing, no matter how little of it there is. What does it matter? And how on earth is it my place to sit there and assume things about a woman’s heart simply because of the clothing she is wearing? There are so many things in the world that are actually offensive. Risque clothing on grown women who can make their own choices really isn’t one of them, in my opinion.

In our ministry, we eventually had to go to a requirement that all of our volunteers wear our logo t-shirts to the after school programs because we were having so many problems with inappropriate dress. It helps.

In my personal life, before leaving the house, I stand in front of a mirror and bend forward. If I can see the Grand Canyon right below my neck, I know we’ve got a problem.

Ashley - Ditto here on Old Navy’s long tees - and I love their tank tops, too. They’re long, so you never have to worry about them coming up over your jeans, and they’re perfect underneath a shorter shirt, jacket, or something with a deep V-neck. Love them.

Sophie:

Left me apologize for the length of my response .. I JUST a roundtable discussion w/ my GodFamily (ages 60-40) about this very issue.

We just got back from DisneyWorld and we saw enough “girls and squirrels” (front and back if you know what I mean) while we were there. I was ASHAMED for the ladies and later realized they had to have known what they had on when they walked out the door.

I have 3 boys and a husband who comment regularly that some the attire we saw is AWFUL. Yes, that is the word my husband uses, because he says he does not want to see another women half or fully naked (because some women are hiding nothing, but the washing instruction label) He says these women are MAKING it hard on him and he is sure any man trying to enjoy Disney or for that matter CHURCH. I think the attire that bothers him the most because he IS trying to praise and worship, but the jiggling is a real distraction. (Can someone say girdle, SPANX?)

My husband says this bad attrire temps men no matter how you slice it and women are being a distraction at church when they don’t make wise choices. Just because it is on a hanger, doesn’t mean it should be on your temple.

My husband is my gauge and boy howdy, when I think a dress or blouse may appear ok in my long mirror, he would say “ahhhh, honey, I don’t think so” … I don’t always like to hear that, but if he thinks it is a little “too much” it goes back in the closet and out for a romantic evening AT MY HOUSE!

We have explained to our oldest about good and bad choices and have told them that some people making bad ones even when it comes to clothes.

Can you see my steam ???!!!!??

Thanks for the post .. I am going to start a discussion w/ my mommies group.

Thanks for talking about this subject. I just mentioned this on my blog after going to a Taylor Swift concert. I sometimes feel as if I am dressing to old fashioned but there is not much out there unless you want to be half dressed.

We began early with our 8 year old by not letting her wear things with a lot of skin showing. We thought it better to do it now than wait until she is a teen and try to deal with it then.

I have seen this problem cropping up in our church within the last few years and I have wished for a sermon on this subject, but it hasn’t happened. I would love to know of any studies that deal with this, so that I could recommend them to the church.

As for myself, if I don’t feel comfortable in it I don’t wear it. If it’s so tight I’m sweating like a pig just putting it on, I don’t wear it. I don’t wear two piece swimsuits (and aside from a VERY modest one in high school that I had to buy myself and one summer in college when I was away, needed a suit and was left to the mercy of Target’s limited selection I never have).

If I bend over and you can see everything inside my shirt, I don’t buy that shirt.

For my daughter, if I don’t want to see her wearing something like that when she’s 16, I don’t let her wear it now.

I also have three sons. I’m teaching them to notice when ladies are covered modestly and when they are being immodest. They don’t know why that’s important, but they do totally notice when someone isn’t being modest and comment on it (quietly to me) about how they don’t think it looks very nice.

I’m 22, and at my university it’s sometimes that you can see THROUGH the clothes to the polka dot bra or underwear…um, ew. Almost every day I wear either a camisole or tank top under my shirts to be on the safe side, and I am so glad that Bermuda shorts are in style because I do not do short shorts. I live away from my parents and am single, so my friends and I hold each other accountable wardrobe-wise. We’ll try on an outfit and send each other a picture online if we need a second opinion- if they say nay I know they’re doing it because they want me to look my best. I don’t remember what my parents did to instill the modesty value in me, but I’m sure it was something along those lines: praise for looking beautiful when I wore something appropriate. To you moms, there is hope!

We are dealing with this right now in our home. We were in Walmart the other day and a “woman” was wearing nothing but a teeny white bikini and a sheer mini-skirt. She was flaunting herself all over and was proud of how she looked. It was a good object lesson for my girls, ages 8 & 13. We are trying to find modest, but fashionable swimsuits for them at the moment, it’s difficult. I’m looking forward to the answers too.

What a tremendously pertinent topic - it breaks my heart to see women dressed to deliberately provoke a sexual reaction (there is NO way even young girls aren’t aware of being sexual when dressed like that). At our church there are often women with strapless or spaghetti strap outfits on - it is embarrassing for many of us and has to be uncomfortable for the wearers(our sanctuary could be used for long term cold storage!). Someone else mentioned the tiny girls dressed up in hootchie mama outfits - amen -preserving innocence should be a priority for parents. These young perople have a lot of valuable information both for kids and their parents - try it for some helpful guidance. Bless you parents struggling with this issue - doesn’t show any signs of getting better - just showing more! http://www.therebelution.com/blog/

I am a mom to 2 boys, and just recently a baby girl, so modesty is something that is now in the forefront of my mind. It drives me nuts to see “tweens” and older in shorts that I would be too embarrassed to be in, or little tiny tops. I wonder if their moms bought them the outfit, or didn’t know they had it in their backpack for later.
You can’t teach modesty too early, my daughter is 11 mos old, and if I think her skirt or dress is a little short, I throw on some leggings or capris. I want her to learn that she can be fashionable and cute and covered all at the same time!

With one 10-mo.-old daughter, we’re starting right away. She has a one-piece swimsuit with a little skirt on it, doesn’t wear little halter tops or things that are normally only worn by adults.

As for me, Husband has proven to not be the best “modesty police,” so I have certain rules for myself. No cleavage, form-fitting but not tight, no jeans that cause muffin tops (cuz you KNOW they’re too tight then), no skirts more than an inch or two above the knees, no anything with stuff written on the bum, and definitely no attitude t-shirts.

I’ve read certain pamphlets and heard talks about modesty, and I think some of it can get taken too far. If you’re wearing essentially a floor-length potato sack and some guy tells you you’re immodest, it really is HIS problem. Guys have their responsibility, too.

WOW! I don’t have girls, but those of you that do…you have a hard, hard job with the way society is these days. I have two young boys. Thanks for all the insight! It really helped. We need to have a discussion soon about what’s appropriate and what’s not.

As for me, I’m pretty conservative in my dress.

Thanks for the topic!!

So funny you wrote about this today! Shari Braendel did her “What Not To Wear” talk for our ladies group at church on Monday night! And we talked about this very thing.

I’m pretty modest by nature so I tend to wear tanks under V-neck shirts, slips under thin skirts, etc. Which by the way my friends think I’m totally old-fashioned for wearing a slip! I’m sorry but I don’t want some man (friend or otherwise) at church looking at me walking in front of him and seeing my entire leg outline through my skirt! That is a big pet peeve of mine. And sorry ladies, but most spring and summer skirt are totally see-through, especially in the sun light.

Men are so visual. I remember having a conversation with a friend who is larger on top, if you know what I mean. We were talking about showing cleavage and wearing tight shirts. She said, “but my husband likes when I wear that.” And I said, “Well the things he’s thinking about when he sees you in that? That’s what all the other men in your life are thinking about when they see you. That includes your friends’ husbands! And they are struggling with that and you’re not helping!” And she had never thought of it like that.

And i think that’s it. We just don’t think. We want to look cute or sexy or whatever and we don’t even know the struggle that our men are facing every day. I don’t want to cause my friends’ husbands to stumble. And I don’t want my friends (or some stranger) to cause my husband to stumble. Yes, they have the responsibility to guard their eyes. But we also have the responsibility to dress appropriately.

Now, I’ll just step off my soapbox, thank you very much. :)

I have had the privilege of having the “modesty talk” with a few women at church. As the pastor’s wife, I just got tired of looking at people’s thongs as they prayed at the altar. I’m still not over it!

As a Christian woman and mom of girls, my motto is “if you have to ask, then you shouldn’t wear it.”

As moms and mentors to other women, it’s time we set the standard in dress. Immodesty is unacceptable.

We have three little girls in our house, the oldest being 5. We have many discussions about showing discretion. As young as they are, they get it. Now the problem is discussing how to not judge others who don’t show discretion. Those discussions tend to follow a way-to-loud comment made in public about someone’s chosen attire. Embarrassing, yet I wonder if it makes them think when a 3-year-old points it out to them?

I have four daughters. My work was cut out for me! We always demanded modesty in our home. And that meant me too. I had to model it for them. I know sometimes we may have been overly strict, but I would always want to err on the side of conservatism. No two piece bathing suits - which became difficult as they were teenagers. We said you could only wear a bikini’s if they had big tummies! For Sundays, I always insisted that the girls wore dresses to church. I felt it was an attitude of worship to wear something special that you didn’t wear anywhere else. I always tried to emphasize that it was for the Lord - you do your best. I am not offended my anyone wearing pants to church - it was just for me and my house it was a method of worship.

It wasn’t always easy, but I do believe today it was worth it.

I am a mama to daughter and two sons and from the time Makiah was old enough to walk we have set certain standards of what she will and won’t wear. It is very difficult to find clothes for my daughter to wear because so much of what is made isn’t modest for a little girl to wear. Why let her wear things now that she won’t be allowed to wear when she gets older. I have a hard time finding clothes that are modest because the fashion industry is motivated by Hollywood (really modest people there folks) and by people’s desires to show-off and have looked at what they’ve got. We don’t live in a world where modesty is a priority anymore. I try to teach her that she can look beautiful and be modest at the same time (if we can find the clothes of course).

I’m a mom of 4 daughters and 4 sons who has taught modesty to them all through the years. We now have a prodigal who has chosen to go her own way and my heart breaks over her clothing selections. Not at all what she was brought up wearing. This is a young woman who has been loved all of her life and cherished by her family and a precious child of the King. Just remember when you see a girl out there dressed in a manner that is not pleasing to God that she may have a mom, family, and friends at home crying out to Him on her behalf. Please stop and do the same. Blessings for your day! :-) (PS I know that Sophie wasn’t bashing those wearing the clothes but just asking some honest questions. Good ones at that. I don’t enjoy seeing all of that flesh, either!)

A few years ago, right before youth camp, our youth pastor had a special Sunday School session where he separated the girls from the boys. He had some adult men speak to the boys about honoring their sisters in Christ by averting their gaze and by holding one another accountable. He had some college-aged girls speak to the middle school and high school girls about dressing modestly, and about specifically what modest looks like, in light of today’s fashions. They made suggestions for making clothing more modest. They discussed clothing that shouldn’t even be an option for a Christian young woman in the presence of men. They talked frankly about how it affected men in their relationship with women, and with the Lord. It was excellent.

But the very best part? They asked the girls to pray over their clothing as they packed for camp. They told them to ask the Lord to convict them about poor clothing choices. Then they suggested that the girls do this daily…pray over their clothing choices, then ask their father or brother (or mom, if no man is present in the home) to approve their clothing choice. I thought that was excellent advice, and coming from young women, the advice was “cool”.

I am pretty busty and my husband is taller than me so if he can see down the front of my shirt then I won’t wear it to church. There is no need to let anyone see what I have. Also, if you can see it all when I bend over then it’s not being worn.

I try not to buy shirts that will cause a problem or at least wear a camisole on underneath it.

I try to dress modest while still being fashionable. I firmly believe that it can be done.

My daughter is two so she pretty much wears whatever she wants but when she is older I will teach her about modesty and fashion.

You can still be fashionable without looking cheap and/or slutty.

I am saddened by what I see women - especially some MOMS - wear even to church these days. Of course my parents had standards we all had to meet when it came to our clothing, but I think one of the most insightful things I’ve heard on this subject came from a very dear male friend of mine. I was about 20, and he was 23 or 24. He said that he regrets more Christian young women fail to understand the part they play in causing another to sin. When I probed more deeply into his statement, he told me that it is a well known fact ALL men struggle with lust and sexual thoughts, some more than others. Knowing that, he said, why would a woman who professes Christ as her Saviour dress in a manner that a) is unworthy of the Name she bears; b) intentionally causes men to lust after her in an ungodly way; c) draws attention - perhaps even the unwanted kind - to her and away from her Saviour; and d) is often a sign of spiritual immaturity.

Those words and concepts have really stayed with me all these many years. He was right, and I’ve tried to keep that in mind and pass on his thoughts to other young women when I had the chance. Thanks for writing on this subject. We all need to be careful!

it is the hardest thing in the world for me to not say “gently”, i would hope, to these girls that what they are wearing is really just not attractive…it is tacky and puts out a message that they are not intending to say~i really just don’t think they know. i think they are so desperate for any attention telling them that they are attractive that they think this will get it for them. i honestly believe they need an older woman helping them…but, when it comes to one of my peers at church who wears very revealing short skirts—she is older than me—i don’t know what to say! and i am the pastor’s wife! she is definitely very easily offended so it is quite the dilemma.

finding a bathing suit this year, was an extra special nightmare as i did not want a neckline down to my toes. 46 yo neck/chests are just not that attractive!!! ha~

Going back to the Garden of Eden, when Adam & Eve sinned, they realized their nakedness and made garments to cover themselves. Their self-made garments were obviously not sufficent coverage, so God made them tunics from animal skins. It’s my understanding that tunics covered the body from the shoulder to the knee. That is what we use as a guideline for our clothing in our family. If God made it for Adam & Eve, then I know it is pleasing to Him.

I’m constantly amazed at how women dress, as well as how we’re dressing our children. And as you mentioned, even for worship. Another point to consider is that we are to glorify God in our bodies and use our bodies for His service. When I’m baring my cleavage and most of my thigh (or even scarier—more!) then I’m not drawing attention to God, but to myself. Women are to dress in a manner that professes godliness (1 Timothy 2:10) and when I’m dressing in a way that calls attention to my body (especially from men) that isn’t godly at all.

I believe we need to be examples in our own dress as a message to others and speak out (kindly) when we have opportunity. Perhaps one of the best things we can do is teach our children that our bodies are for service to God. I often tell my children that not everyone needs to see their bodies. Nakedness is a gift to marriage and there are just some things that should be kept for that relationship.

This is a bit of a soapbox of mine! :) I’m glad you decided to write about it! Also, I love your blog! Keep up with the good work!

I am not a small woman and find it hard to find shirts that are modest. When I buy a new shirt and wear it for the first time in public and find it’s too show-y, I cringe and am totally uncomfortable the whole time. Can’t wait to get home and put a shirt under it or change entirely. I have two little girls to be an example for and we homeschool. Even at home, we limit shirts that show the belly if arms are raised (why do they grow so fast anyways?). No bikinis, only one pieces. Skirts that go to at least the knee. No halter tops and the tank tops need to cover the torso (straps can be thin since they are litte, as long as everything else is covered). When they are older, I am sure that will change. It sounds strict, and it’s hard to find these clothes anymore, but as you said, modesty is almost out the window and we are trying to teach the kids that it’s not overrated. It’s for God’s glory. They are young enough right now (4 and 7) that it’s not an issue. And I am hoping since they are taught at home rather than in public, they can still appreciate modesty when they are older.

I’ve been one of “those women at church”. Sad to say but it was only about 5 years ago. If you’d like to know what’s going through their minds when they make those choices: Either they just don’t realize, or, subconciously they feel that showing something “sexy” about themselves is the best they have to offer. That’s how I felt when I really gave some thought to it.

I think we need to be careful about how we approach this issue, and be certain to leave “judgement” out of the picture. If a woman is secure in her identity in Christ, then naturally she is going to be careful about modesty. If your self esteem is found only in your “appearance”, then you tend to wear what the world will tell you is attractive (ie: show your bits)

God has brought me so far in this area - and ONLY God. I got “the talk” from my pastor’s wife (former church, we moved) and it was so humiliating. Here was a woman who doesn’t have the time of day for me any other time, taking me aside and talking about a very personal subject. It made me hurt, and angry, and embarrassed. I didn’t make any changes until God began to move in my life in the area of how I saw myself, and how I measured my worth. Mentoring on this issue in the church is a good idea, but it has to be done properly.

I guess I’m just saying its a very touchy subject, and most of these women just have no idea that they have more to offer than their sexuality. Even Christian women.

I’m raising two daughters, one of whom is a teen. I focus on teaching them of their value to God, and modesty as a part of that. Some simple guidelines: four fingers below the collarbone is good coverage. No cleavage, no crack. Pants get “sit-tested” at the store. And skirts have to be knee-length, or just slightly above (most women look best in this length anyhow).

Sophie Girl, You are singing my tune! This is such an issue in our culture and such an important point of consideration for Christian women that I am writing a book about this stuff!

I spend my day to day life running crisis pregnancy centers in Florida, where the less clothing you wear the “cooler” you are.

The dress code of the young girls who are sitting in our waiting room leaves little to the imagination and presents a clear understanding of how they have gotten into the messes they are in. Most of them have left the majority of their clothes still in the closet.

As we lead these girls to Christ, one of our challenges is to help them see God’s plan for sexuality and how following that plan will require a change not only of the heart but also the dress code.

Unfortunately, as many of you have said, that same lesson often needs to be taught in our churches!!

My own “seeker” friendly church sometimes draws blouses and skirts that are just a tad TOO friendly and lure our husbands to become the “seekers”!!

Pat

My girls (5 and 7) have had lots of talks about modesty—keeping our bodies special and private, not showing off, etc. We live in So. Cal., and unfortunately women in our church dress just like women on the beach :), so it’s an uphill battle.

Several months ago, a high school girl at church approached my daughter, just to say hi. Of course she was dressed very immodestly. My daughter burst into tears and ran to me. I couldn’t figure out what was wrong. She sobbed, “She showed her tummy to me!” :)

As a woman, my husband should give me a good indication as to whether or not my clothing is modest. I have every intention of being modest, but once in awhile I need his opinion because I’m not sure what men see when they look at me. Just the other day I put on a new pair of athletic shorts that I was going to run in, and suddenly I felt uncomfortable with how conforming they were to my curves. I asked hubby if he felt comfortable with me wearing them in public, and I got the red light. That was enough for me.

As far as young girls and teens, I believe a father should step up to the plate and set a standard. My dad never let us girls buy anything too short or too low cut. If fathers would guard their girls in this area, we would see a lot more modestly dressed females at church. It’s a shame that men cannot even go to church without being bombarded by flesh.

In my heart, the only stumbling that happens is in me judging the poor woman who just wants to be loved and attended to.

So…we get it. We teach our daughters that they are treasured princesses. Let’s stop self-righteously harping on all the captives that Jesus came to set free.

I think Melissa’s comment actually raises the most important point of all: how DO we deal with this issue without falling into self-righteousness? And how can we - as the body of Christ - do a better job of “[loving] and [attending] to” women?

My 7th grade daughter and I pretty much wear a tank top under every shirt we own! It is very difficult to buy shirts that don’t show too much chest….even today’s polo shirts buttoned all the way are revealing! I think it is very important for the older women in the church to set a good example for the younger ones….and, not just with what we are wearing!

i think i saw that same girl at the airport 2 weeks ago! oh my word i couldn’t believe the exposure when she bent over.

This is such a huge concern for me too. It really got to me when I realized my husband was having to avert his eyes from the USHER at CHURCH when she passed him the offering plate. Ugh. I think that women largely don’t realize what effect this has on men, or that it is actually dishonoring to their husbands to dress this way for other men. (They might not be purposing to dress for other men, but they are receiving attention for their dress from those men.) I think it’s SO important for us to set standards for our young girls from an early, early age and as others have said, to come along side the younger women and exhort them in modesty.

hi boomama- thanks for a great post. i have an 8 year-old daughter and we talk about clothing being “appropriate” and about how it needs to cover all our private areas. when shopping for my daughter, it is very challenging to find skirts and dresses that are long enough— and shirts that are not revealing and not see-through. and also- how about all the terrible “sayings” on shirts and on the SEATS of the pants the stores sell! i also feel very strongly about modeling modesty to her so i wear modest clothing as well (goodness, those v-neck tops in the stores practically show my belly button since i am so short-torsoed). i also wear modest clothes to respect my husband. the Bible says my body is not just my own but his and i want only his eyes to see certain parts! a great blogpost i read somewhere spoke of being publicly modest and privately immodest- meaning, being immodest in private with only your husband is the best and only way to “show off”!!

I agree with Melissa. It is very easy to become self-righteous when we have not walked in someone elses shoes. I think we need to practice the love of 1 Corinthians 13 and reach out instead of judging. As Kim suggested much earlier, mentoring and loving goes much further than rude comments (whether we comment to her face or to one of our friends.)

“But now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love.”

I try to wear what I would feel comfortable having a face to face conversation with my friends’ parents in. That’s how I judge decent coverage.

Okay, I understand this is a hot topic for parents of girls but what about us parents of boys?! Mine are only 4 and 2 but try taking them to a mall and not walking by a Victoria’s Secret or Abercrombie! How do we teach them to guard their eyes?

Also, it is hard because this was a major issue in college. Our college ministry polled the guys and had them list clothing that was sensual to them, among the list? White t-shirts and overalls. So, I think the modesty issue goes both ways. Girls need to cover up and guys need to grow up!

Oh goodness, am I late to the party? Let me just encourage the moms with daughters that the bare midriff/short shorts/micro mini fashion craze is OVER! Unfortunately, there are still some girls and and a few grown women who have failed to get the memo.

But yes, as many have said, we love them with the love of Christ. I’ve had many teen girls visit my home wearing less-than-modest attire, but I bite my tongue and instead, focus on developing a mentoring relationship with them. :)

Awesome question! I so hated that Shari’s What Not To Wear session was scheduled at the exact same time as your Blogging Q&A. Shari had some wonderful women who were brave enough to dress inappropriately and come in.

I am so fashion challenged it’s not even funny — so while y’all were checking out shoes? I’m sitting there going what on earth would I wear those with? But Shari helped me Monday with a new wardrobe — and there was a dress that showed a little too much. But after I put a tank underneath, it looked really cool.

We have to love on the women regardless of what they wear. Jesus has got to change the inside before their clothes will change.

I just did a post about this problem myself:

http://greekgrits.blogspot.com/2008/06/to-whom-it-may-concern.html

My daughter, who is almost 7, have been discussing how to dress lately. Modesty is no longer rule, it’s unfortunately become the exception. Mother’s should set help their daughter’s by dressing appropriately and being an example. Hoochie momma raise little hoochie mommas. Sad!

Pam C. is responsible for me reading this blog. She is excited about all things LifeWay Women and I have to admit I check the blog periodically. I also was the first male to post on this blog a couple of weeks ago.

My wife and I are rearing two daughters. I am thankful my wife is the godly woman that she is. She has set the pace for how our girls dress by modeling what to wear. I have to tell you that my wife is hot and she does not advertise.

Cover up.

I dress modestly and have always upheld that value for my daughter who is 13. Our bodies while beautifully made by our Lord are not meant for public display.

It takes work & effort to find clothes that are appropriate. Especially for my daughter. Everything seems to be cut so narrow and tight or has a deep vee.

But it has worked, my daughter doesn’t ask for clothes that she knows aren’t appropriate, she doesn’t want them.

Our girls will learn what we teach them. In the absence of our wisdom they will be influenced by what the world would tell them. That their value is in their body and that they had best market it to the best of their ability.

Sadly we do see inappropriate clothing in church, I’ve seen my share of way too short skirts and too low cut tops. And from some that should know better. But it is here that we need to extend grace and love, not condemnation.

I’m so thrilled to hear others who think the same way I do!

GAH! I know what you mean. You would have enjoyed the What Not To Wear presentation at She Speaks. Shari addressed just that!

I do try to be modest, but with the bosoms, sometimes it’s hard. I haven’t had to address it much with my daughter (she’s 5) but I’m sure our time’s a’coming. I don’t look forward to it. I can only hope that the 80s fashions come back in full swing. Because I recall the styles being pretty modest back then. Lots of baggy stuff - not the skin tight, low cut stuff we see nowadays.

I find that God created something called GRAVITY to help deter me from all things “hoochie”.

Now that I’m about to have a daughter, I’m not sure how I will handle those issues when its time. I guess just setting a good example… and GROUNDING. A lot of grounding! :-)

Thankfully, all the women at my tiny church are all tasteful and modest. It hasn’t been a problem, yet.

As for raising modest little girls, I think that it all starts at home, when the girls are very young. (It sounds like most commentors agree.) Set the stage early on what is acceptable and what is not. Mom and Dad also need to abide by those same rules. Children are VERY impressionable.

When we sing, “We lift our hands in the sanctuary� let’s not take it so far as to show our midriff while doing so!! I mean, this is a huge problem not only outside our church walls, but inside as well. A few years ago, there was a woman who spoke at our church on this issue and made such excellent points. She even talked about the purse strap across the front accentuating things that shouldn’t be. As far as for myself, modesty is the best policy. If I wouldn’t want my daughter wearing it, I better not be wearing it myself! You can wear those low cut tops with tanks underneath. There are so many cute clothes out there that it isn’t difficult to teach our girls to be modest AND fashionable. It’s all in the choosing. We have a saying “Let’s get some coverage.� And as mother’s who’s daughters are watching our every move, let’s cover up so they will follow our lead.

You sure started some conversation with this topic! I don’t have too much to say that hasn’t already been said except to share an illustration that I remember hearing a youth speaker give at our church once. Basically, he asked how often do you see advertisements on TV for very expensive cars….lamborghini, mercedes, etc. Rarely. Then he asked how many you see for the average, run of the mill cars and pickup trucks. Every other commercial! The classy ones don’t need the advertising. It’s the cheaper ones that need help to make them sell. What are your clothes saying about you?

We have a artsy-fartsy-quirky community in the Puget Sound called Freemont. Anyone heard of it? It’s actually really cool 364 days a year if you like that sort of vibe. However, they recently had their annual nude-y parade (yes, I said nude - they ride bikes, the whole nine yards - no pun intended). One of our pastors was on a stroll accross town (yes, you know where this is going)… he accidentally ran into the parade. Can you imagine!?!? Freemont, WA needs to read this post!!! :0)

Roxanne Kristina @ www.sharingnotes.blogspot.com

We are starting to have to address this issue as our girls are 5 & almost 7. It’s not too hard for school, they have school uniforms. But outside school is getting tricky - not so much that my girls want to wear clothes that aren’t modest, but it is so hard to find appropriate clothing in the stores! Everything is low rise and skinny cut (skin tight!). And bathing suits were a nightmare - out of the 100’s of suits they had at Kohl’s I found only a couple I would even let the girls try on. And one piece suits are SO hard to find!

I was at my mom’s church last Sunday and 2 of the girls towards the front (maybe 16 or 17 years old) were wearing summery dresses that were strapless - they had that elastic stuff at the top to keep them up. Well when they sat down in the pew, they looked naked from the back - all you could see was bare back and shoulders. I’m sure they didn’t even realize it, but I imagine that there were a few men in church having trouble listening to the sermon :).

I always think in terms of the fact that men are visually stimulated. I keep cleavege showing to nill or a minimum. (hence the problems I had with finding a swimsuit this year) I’m not going to hide under a drapey dress my whole life, though. I’m not afraid to show some curves because, hey, I’m a woman and that’s how I’m made. But I will NOT wear anything revealing. I dress extrememly conservatively.

My dd is only 7 and wears a uniform to school, so we haven’t had to fight this all that much. But she’s now in that size range along with all the tweens and teeny boppers that all want to look like adults at age 10. I’m so not there. It’s hard. But I know we’ll have those moments soon.

Oh yes this is something I battled with as a teen and know that it is much worse today. Teaching girls about honoring their body is sooo important. Not just out of self-respect but also for the fact that our bodies are God’s Temple… preach it sister!

It’s an epidemic. When I go out shopping (which is not often), I find that I need to buy something else to put under to provide some protection for my upper body. As for skirts, I stay away all because I am conscious of my legs that have so many scars. You are right - it’s a problem. At church, some dressed as if they are going to a club. We are taking more and more off. I sometimes joke that before I die - people might just walk around in their underwear and it will be just a O.K - just expressing themselves. What about the TV commercials?

I’m a single 20-something and right now, I feel I remain modest. I don’t wear spaghetti strap shirts without something over them, all my shorts go to my knee, and my tops never show cleavage. If I ever worry about my shirt gaping when I bend over, I place a hand over it and that takes care of the problem.

I think the key is not to let your brother or sister stumble. Yes, I also included sisters in this. When I was in college I lived in an all girls dorm (at a Christian school). Some girls struggled seeing other girls walk around in skimpy clothing or just a towel on the way to the shower. Some struggled with homosexuality; some struggled with envy. I think it’s important to cover ourselves enough for both our brothers and sisters.

I think one of the most obvious issues is swim wear. I always wear a tankini or one-piece with shorts and often a cover-up. I don’t think Christian girls should wear bikinis. Not because I don’t think they’re cute, but because they remind me far too much of a bra and panties. The world doesn’t need to see you like that. Most likely you’re causing someone to stumble and whomever you marry probably won’t be interested to know you’ve shown a lot of other people what your body looks like.

Hi Sophie - I’m enjoying reading all these comments. One solution that someone has mentioned to me before (I haven’t tried them yet) is a product called “Hip-T’s” (Their slogan: “Cover your assets!”. They fit around your waist and hips and give the illusion of wearing another layer (and protect when bending down) without having to add a full layer (handy for hot summer days). I’m not endorsing the product - since I haven’t tried it yet - but thought the idea was a great one. http://www.myhip-t.com/index.htm

If I wouldn’t be comfortable wearing something in front of my dad then I won’t wear it. I grew in a family with pretty conservative standards so that’s a pretty high standard to stick to.

As for my daughter- she’s a toddler so it’s not really an issue yet. Although there are very inappropriate clothes even for toddlers. I had a hard time finding her a bathing suit that wasn’t a bikini. If I don’t want her wearing a bikini in 10 years she’s not wearing one now. Because when does it cross the line from being a cute little girl into being a cute little girl who is trying to be sexy? I don’t know.

Girl, I agree completely! My husband tells me one of the reasons he fell in love with me is because of my modesty. I try to keep things knee length or longer, longer tops, and the girls are always covered. It is surprising how much people reveal now though!!! Our daughter is almost 8 and we only buy one piece bathing suits for her. She went to a birthday party last week and she was the ONLY GIRL there (kids ranged in age from 3-10 or 11) with a one piece suit on. I don’t understand why we want our girls to dress like teenagers. Lands End and Gymboree are my saviors!

Wooo, you got lots of comments.

The older I get, the pruder I get. I have 2 and 3 year old daughters so I still maintain wardrobe control (altho with the 3 year old it is slipping fast.) So I am not full-on engaging in this battle, but knowing it is coming, I have instituted a few rules.

1 - spaghetti straps and halters on very rare occasions, and only if modest

2 - abso-dingdang-lutely no strapless

3 - no bikinis (I think there is nothing cuter in the world than a 2 year old in a bikini. Unfortunately, I know there are a lot of dirty old men who feel the same way)

4 - If I won’t let her wear it at 16, she can’t wear it now (the exception being short skirts, because they are little girls)

5 - The other big fat rule is this - Mom can’t dress this way either. And I tell you that is HARD. Not the bikini, of course. But strapless and spaghetti straps and halters are way in right now and CUTE. But all it will take is one photograph of Mom in one found in ten years for all my rules to turn to hypocrisy.

-Mis

My girls only wear dresses, no shorts or long pants, in an effort to keep them girly. My husband and I found that even little girls pants are cut in such a way to acentuate the hips and bottom… and they don’t even have any! But my 5 year old suddenly aged a few years when we put her in yoga pants. Also, shorts with an inseam less than 4 inches are not appropriate for little girls. So now, we don’t even purchase pants.

For myself, I struggle, being a 32K in the bra, to find clothes that are not only modest, but pretty. I strive to be a positive role model for my girls, because if I go around wearing inappropriate clothes, how can I tell my daighters that what they are wearing is not?

I’m not offended by cleavage, breast or behind, as an artist, I think it can be quite lovely — say, in a Renaissance painting. But not in the airport, not at the reception desk at my dentist’s office, not in the grocery store and certainly not at church.

Those who come to church dressed that way will argue that you should be focused on Jesus and the service and not judging them, but if I’m distracted, I know every guy in the place is distracted. It’s not about wearing “fancy” clothes to church, it’s about wearing appropriate clothes for church and that means no cleavage, b or b. Toe cleavage is okay.

Clearly, based on what I just wrote here, I am an old fogey.

I’m enjoying the comments of everyone - and some great tips (pardon the pun) for being modest.

I do have another thought to share that goes in a bit of a different direction, though. The question in every woman’s heart is “Am I lovely? Do you see me?” She’s taking it to men, and they are answering “Yes! and Yes!”. The only one who can really answer that question is Jesus.

I don’t agree with all of the fashion statements out there, but I think to stop and see these women with the eyes of Jesus is to have some compassion regarding the root of this problem - they’re asking this question by revealing all they’ve got. Some of them may need a Christian friend to mentor them in this area; a scornful group of moms at the Christian School glaring at them for showing off their boob job may just drive them in the other direction.

I also have a daughter and I think rules are an “okay” way to handle the symptoms of this problem. But my focus with her is to teach her to take her question to the only One who can really validate her as a woman.

As believers, we are to be shrewd as serpents and innocent as doves. But let’s don’t forget to love, ladies. Don’t forget the love.

As a 24-year-old young woman, some of the stuff I see my peers (and younger) wearing just… ugh. I’m, um, “well-stacked” up top and have been since I was young, and it’s really unnerving to be 14 years old, wearing a turtleneck and having 40 year old men scope you out. Needless to say, I tend to dress a little more conservatively than other girls my age! I love looking pretty and incorporating certain trends, but I’ll take a bright twinset and Topsiders over a halter top and short-shorts any day!

While I do agree with most of the comments on here and I also do my best to dress modestly. I have a question…what is wrong with thin strapped tank tops? I get it if they are causing cleavage issues but if that part is covered up nicely, I don’t understand the issue.

I also want to say that I really really hope that the bermuda shorts stay in style forever! They are so comfy and flattering….way better than short shorts!

Oh boy. Modesty is a hot topic at our house & I only have one 6 year old girl at home now. The other three are “grown women” & out on their own. I tried. I really, really did. But I failed. Miserably. I wish I could say it’s a genetic thing & being their adoptive mother it’s not my fault but I can’t. They didn’t dress like that when they were home & trust me they tried. It’s a choice they make. Apparently I didn’t get it through their heads that “The Girls” as my oldest daughter calls her breasts , are not a show & tell item. The other is so proud of her round belly she is forgetting she’s not a size 5 anymore & those 45 pounds she’s gained is not attractive at all. Nor is it “water weight”. Two of my daughters are pregnant. I am so disgusted by the way they dress. I’m sorry but do they not make maternity clothes anymore?!?!? I had a real rip-snortin’ fight with my one daughter who decided she would wear a bikini in our pool. A. Bikini. 5 weeks from her due date & she was in a bikini. Not in my house. Not in our pool. She went into town to her in-laws & went swimming there. She had the nerve to complain that her brother-in-law was staring at her. I’m sure he was.

Whenever they say anything about people staring at them my answer is always the same, “Cover up, wear clothes that fit your body, not your mind & they won’t stare.”.

I don’t have a pat answer as to what will work or not work. I know I have one shot left to raise a modest young woman & I’m giving her as much as praise as I can for dressing modestly.

Thank you for this great post! My 14 year old daughter is very modest. I am amazed at some girls her age from church that wear provocative clothing.

What I don’t get is when did it become acceptable to wear cleavage revealing clothing to church? I am not talking a little cleavage either but fullblown half the breast shown above the neckline of a dress or top?

How do we as Christian sisters handle this issue with those we are friends with at church that continue to dress in this manner and I might add the few I know kinda brag about it?

Also we have three boys ages 20, 16, 15 and is is getting very difficult for them at church because of how parents are allowing their girls to dress for swimming parties etc. We used to wear one piece suits or tshirts over our bikinis when we had youth swimming parties. I appreciate those parents that guide their daughters in how they should dress as well as their sons.

Maybe I am more sensitive because I developed at a very early age and was quite top heavy. I had grown men leering at me when I was 13 and was very self conscious of myself and would never have wanted to appear promiscious. I was the master cover upper but todays girls want to let it all hang out and they wonder why they can’t attract the right type of young man! It is truly exasperating!

The rule that we try to go by is “head, shoulders, knees, and toes.” If you reach up to touch your head, your stomach shouldn’t be showing. Touch your shoulders, they should be covered. Touch your knees, shorts should be no farther away than a hand length. Touch your toes, no butt crack showing, please! :)

I have three sons and a husband so I understand the frustration of passing a half dressed woman in the parking lot and watching all four of their heads simply turn in unison to keep their eyes on her. Then I watch my husband shake it off and remark to our boys, “focus on what’s ahead boys!”

On the other hand, I see nothing wrong with a tank top. I do however live in the deep south where a cool day is in the high 90s. Now I wouldn’t wear said tank top to church or any other public place. If I had to go to the store I would simpy throw a t-shirt on over it for the time being but I am going to wear one in my house and in my yard because it is HOT and I don’t mean sexy.

And to Melissa Zech… Preach Girl! That was what Jesus would have said. I used to be a youth leader and found myself having to go through conversation after conversation with the elders of the church because some of the girls dressed somewhat revealing. These girls were searching but hadn’t quite given their heart to God. Had I told them they couldn’t come back unless they dressed “properly” then they might still be lost today. If we love them and allow God to change their insides then the outside will begin to show it.

Great post!

My husband is the high school youth minister at our church and we have dealt with the modesty issue a lot. At first, we wanted the rule to simply be “appropriate” clothing, but quickly realized that our high school students needed a lot more guidance than this.

So our dress code for the girls includes: one pice swimsuits only (or a long, dark t-shirt that they must swim in over a 2-piece). No midriffs showing at all, shorts and skirts must be fingertip length, no halters, strapless, spagetti straps, or any straps more narrow than 2 inches. Pants and shirts must meet, no underwear or bellies can show.

My husband spoke to several of our college age kids at church when he was coming up with the dress code. When he talked to the young men, they told him that when they see halters, spaghetti straps, strapless tops, etc. their mind immediately goes to “She is not wearing a bra”. Whether the young lady was wearing a bra or not, or even if the top “covers everything”, he learned that that is what some of our guys are thinking about when they see these tops.

For the guys: no underwear can be visible outside of your pants. Even if the shirt is long, pants must be pulled up to the waist.

We have a “no PDA” policy as well, and actually discourage “front hugs” between our girls and guys. This was something else we learned from the college guys we talked to. They told us that what the girls considered an innocent hug between two church friends, was not such an innocent hug for the guys. Now we promote the “side shoulder” hug. (Nothing to do with dress code, I know, but another comment on purity).

As the mother of 4 year old and 2 year old boys, a great big THANK YOU to all the mommies of young girls who are teaching your daughters early about modesty. (I’m loving this bermuda shorts trend, and I am hoping it never goes away). My future teenage boys’ hearts are very grateful.

I haven’t read all the comments, so this may have already been mentioned, but I’ve been thinking a lot about modesty now that I’m the mom of a baby boy. I want to protect him from the idea that it’s okay for him to look at girls who are dressed inappropriately, and I’m overwhelmed at thinking about how to begin that. I have no advice or idea on how to go about this, but I feel like teaching boys to respect modesty as well as teaching girls that will help with the issue. If girls feel like boys are going to notice them even if they don’t dress in small things, then maybe they will be more willing to wear things that cover them up. I don’t think that really helps with the root of the problem, but at least we moms of boy can try to help the moms of girls in this endeavor.

Sometimes I wonder if the gals at my church who love God just don’t see themselves as pretty or something. Or maybe they are just trying to keep their own husband’s attention. It is a hard call with clothing. I’m not a small woman, so I can’t get away with much, not that I honestly try, but even if I wanted to I couldn’t. Raising 4 daughters is a challenge. While they are all at home it is easier. Then they go away to college and they want to fit in so badly that they begin almost immediately to compromise our family’s standards. It is a very hard issue and definitely goes to the heart. Somehow we have to see our value truly in Christ and then determine to dress for Him and not to succeed in this fallen world. Did I mention that it is a hard issue?

The last time I made a post on my blog about modesty, someone took the time to tell other people, in not so many words, that I was an idiot and didn’t know what I was talking about. I had done just a quick post about how irritated I was at the girls at church who look like the hoochie-mama’s out to catch any guy they can down at the late night movie theatre. Well, that wasn’t exactly the whole post but you get my drift. In being quick to speak, I had only talked about the clothes my daughter chooses to wear that covers her up and left it at that. I didn’t feel the need then to go into deeper detail about the heart issues because that wasn’t the point I was focusing on. So, anyway, I’m a little leary of answering this “what not to wear” post because there are so many layers to it.

While there are really deep heart issues that go along with the wearing of modest clothes, many times no amount of modesty is going to stop a guy from thinking what he going to think. Our 16 year old daughter is one of those slim, tall (only a centimeter or two shy of 6 feet), cute (acne, and all) girls that gets Marines on our base whistling and winking at her all the time, and that is when she is wearing the grungiest, gunny-sack she can find. She at first made snippy comments back at them about getting their minds out of the gutter but that of course was more encouragement than not. She now ignores them. She dresses modestly, subscribes to a modest clothing magazine, and even desires to design modest clothing for girls rather that the hollywood crazed outifts that we see in every 5 and Dime (walmart, target, etc..)store out there. Like I said, even the gunny sacks get her noticed so what else can a girl do except dress in a way that is pleasing to God and honors Him?!

For myself, I am a larger woman and along with that am, uhm, well endowed. I am fully aware that to many men this can be pleasing to their eyes. However, I only want to please my husband! I always pay close attention to the tops that I wear (and back pockets of my jeans) and if I wear something once and see that someone is looking lower down than my eyelashes everytime he speaks to me, or walks by ten times in the grocery store to get a second look, I NEVER wear that again.

Sophie, Thank you for taking a stand on this topic. I see way too many short skirts and revealing tops at my church. A lot of the people wearing the clothes are older women!!! It is such a temptation to married and single men. They struggle in this area as it is, why temp them more? Why is the church not talking about this issue. We live in such a sex crazed world that I guess a lot of Christians think it is ok. But it is not ok. I always make sure that my chest is covered, if I have to bend over and pick something up I make sure that I cover myself not to embarrass me or the people standing around me. What happened to the Proverbs 31 lady in the Bible? Thanks for bringing up this very sensitive issue. Kara-John 3:30, Prov. 31

We have found a great resource from the gals at girltalk—they have put together a Modesty Check that you can print out, talk over with your daughter, and then keep handy. It’s full of helpful questions to assess our clothing choices. They also offer some messages on the heart reasons for modesty that have been really helpful! You can find them at girltalk.blogs.com

My personal rule is if I look down and can see what I don’t want my Daddy to see, it needs to be covered up. That usually answers a question of what’s modest for me. But also, if I question if an article of clothing is modest, it usually isn’t.

There was a woman in church the other day wearing a strapless top.

Granted, we do go to one of those “come as you are” non-denominational churches, but I still gasp when I see ladies dress like this at Sunday service. Would it kill them to wear sleeves? Nothing screams “check out my hot bod” like strapless, so it’s not like she didn’t know what she was doing. I’m sorry, but no matter how svelte you are, church isn’t the place to be showing off your chiseled arms and perky ta-tas.

Clothes are getting smaller and smaller, but clothes were pretty tight and teeny in the 70’s, too. The 80’s brought layer upon layer upon belted layer, so every style, even skimpy ones, will come and go. Me? I’m looking forward to a new decade of leg warmers and balloon skirts.

I didn’t read all the comments fully (there are a LOT of them), so forgive me if someone has already mentioned this.

I do agree that the vast majority of clothing being marketed to young girls is terrifically inappropriate. And I do think it’s important to dress as if I want others to accord me dignity and respect.

That being said, the assumption that “all men are visual” and that it is somehow my responsibility to keep prevent them from sinning is a little disturbing to me. The fact of the matter is that not all men are visual— it is not, in fact, every man’s battle. My husband is a great example of this. He just doesn’t check women out. For example, back before we got married, he and I and two women friends went to the local Starbucks after church one Sunday. While we were waiting for our drinks, a young woman came through wearing some incredibly revealing and inappropriate clothes. It was very obvious that she hadn’t bothered with some undergarments that day. Half an hour later, the four of us were upstairs talking, and as it happened the issue of lust and men came up. Larissa mentioned the idea that all men are visual and have lust issues, and Nneka and I objected that that just wasn’t so. Nneka turned to Peter and said, “Did you see that girl downstairs?” And he said, “Huh? What girl?”

Please don’t misunderstand me. I’m not saying that dressing with the dignity and self-respect of a human being created in God’s image is not important for women (and men!). If we are ever blessed with a daughter, we will certainly do our best to teach her that our bodies are part of God’s good creation and we need to steward them carefully. That is what we are trying to teach our two small sons.

But what we are also trying to teach our sons is that they can, in fact, help it. In the context of a grace filled life and with the help of the Lord it is possible to control your thoughts.

When we as Christians talk about modesty, teaching our children that they have a responsibility to cultivate self-control and mental discipline ought to be as much a part of the conversation as what is appropriate dress.

This past winter I was at a high school basketball game and witnessed all the old geezers salivating, eyes bulging, over a teenage girl a few rows down everytime she stood, and bent (thong in full display, cheeks visible), and cheered wildly with the bosom in full motion. I gotta think (and hope) that a father would have knocked those guys flat. And if she only understood the show she was providing to those old men. Yuck. Probably not the audience she was intending. Made my skin crawl. Even I had to remind my sweet husband of his own young adult daughter and would he want men looking at her that way. He decided we should change seats to a different part of the gym. Come on folks, let’s start taking a stand with our daughters and sons. I think the tale is wagging the dog.

Just a few helpful comments… LandsEnd is great, but sometimes pricey. However for the woman who said she wore board shorts and a tank top to swim in, I would encourage her to check out LandsEnd. They have swimsuits that are just that. The top is tank, but it is made of swimsuit material. They also have surf shirts for kids and grown-ups. And I so agree with Erin about dressing your girls modestly while they are young. It is hard because those little spaghetti strapped shirts and those bikini swimsuits are so cute on baby girls, but think of the message you are sending. We don’t have any girls yet (just one boy) but my husband and I have already laughed about the fact that our daughter will probably hate us from many years of her life, because there is NO WAY she is even leaving her bedroom dressed like a lot of girls are these days. I am thankful that the current trend seems to be the long t-shirt layered look. It seems the belly buttons are going back in hiding!

Talk, talk, talk, and talk some more. I’m a mom of five - ages 15 to 23. My girls dress modestly and very fashionably, and my boys are disgusted with trampy looking females (not that we’re perfect, but my kids really do have it together in this area). We did it by talking about the issues from the time they could understand words. And all along the way we talked about the consequences of people’s choices - both good and bad. Real life examples of abysmal failures really make an impression. Great post Sophie - thanks for writing!

I have a girl (6) and a boy (almost 10) so I have both sides of modesty to consider.

Yes. Some days I feel like I’m fighting a losing battle. My daughter is very much the fashionista (don’t have any idea where she gets it from!)Short and tight seem to be her 2 favorite colors and I’m definitely fightin’ the inner hoochie! But, being the parent and all, I’m winning. We do allow spaghetti straps but shorts and skirts have to be just above the knee and absolutely NO tummy showing. We rarely allow a plain white shirt without a tank underneath for fear of showing the chitties (her word).

Last week we were walking through Wl-Mat and she pointed out the swimsuit racks to her daddy. “Daddy, look. Ick! That’s nasty.”

Yea!!!! 1 down, 985,525 to go!

I feel blessed by God to know that my daughter knows it’s what’s on the inside that reflects the person’s beauty than whatever ‘decoration’ is hung on the outside. We talk regularly about being proud of who we are and making the right choices - not following a trend that she may see some of the other 5th and 6th grade students wearing. To her, nothing makes you more beautiful than pretty skin and a pretty smile. Again, I thank God for this gift -

I also like Lizness’ guidelines above - would it embarrass me for my Daddy to see me dressed that way?

Wonderful post!

Has anyone ever had a really frank conversation with a man - especially a non-Christian man - about what he’s thinking when he sees a ‘trampily’-dressed girl? It ain’t “oh, how cute!”

I don’t understand how parents let their beautiful teenage (or younger) daughters out of their house looking like a sex object. Do they really want to attract that kind of attention to their child?

I’m thinking this problem would disappear overnight if moms could see into the minds of every man (or boy) her daughter passes during the day.

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How is that relevant?