Our church started a small group for middle school girls. I'm co-leading the group.

 Let the prayers begin.

I told our youth minister, "just put me where you need me." It sounds so pious and humble and "I'm just glad to be a part of the team", doesn't it? Now why did I say that?

I don't dislike junior high girls, don't get me wrong. I love the fact that most of them are still sponges, willing to take in and absorb all of your vast wisdom. They're full of questions and false bravado. It's just that middle school is such a "tempest in a tea pot" (thanks to Sissy Goff and Melissa Tervathan for reminding me of that phrase). So much is going on and sometimes it's hard for me to keep up—and to be patient.

Do you remember what it's like to be in junior high? Here's just a few of the things going on inside those rapidly growing brains:

—When am I going to get my period? What is it like? And why would God do that to us? (How many of you remember when you got your period at the most inopportune moment—like in the middle of class?)

—I wonder if ___________ (name any other girl) is talking about me again.

—Why can't I have a body like _______________?

—Am I wearing the right clothes?

—I wish my parents would let me _____________.

—I can't believe she did that! She's such a hypocrite!

In this arm pit of adolescence, so much is taking place at warp speed: their brains are developing again at an alarming rate; they want independence from their parents but still value that relationship; they are afraid everyone is looking at them, talking about them, and judging them. They want to fit in and be accepted. Their bodies are changing all the time, which is a source of great angst.

I've learned a few things about working with these girls, mostly from doing the opposite at some point.

1. Don't expect junior high girls to act like adults. They may dress like adults. They may look like adults. They may use adult language. But they do not have the maturity or the capacity to reason like adults. In their book Raising Girls, Sissy Goff and Melissa Trevathan state that during this time, a girl's prefontal cortex (that thing that manages moods and a dozen other important things) is growing so fast that a girl just can't reason or think straight. Literally. So when a girl decides to do something REALLY stupid, I have to chalk it up to the fact that her brain really is short-circuiting.

2. Middle school girls are still learning social skills and social cues. Remember that awkwardness of the middle school dance? Oh, the agony. Nobody knew how to act. And the awkwardness applies to other relationships as well. That's why girls aren't sure what to do when a friend's parents divorce. Or when someone comes to Bible study in tears. We (leaders) have to teach them how to respond. Model it. After a while, they'll begin to pick up on those social cues. In the meantime, you just have to endure the awkwardness.

3. Friendships mean everything. And nothing. In the same week. Or maybe in the same day. When your girls would rather talk to each other than listen to your Bible study, that's normal. When a girl thinks she's an outsider and everyone hates her, that's normal. (BTW, she's probably not an outsider, and nobody hates her—at least this week.) Of all of the struggles girls face in middle school, the issue of friendships is probably the one you will face the most.—like all the time. Just accept it as a stage they will all endure. On the other hand, utilize this need for relationship by allowing girls to work in groups—under your watchful, "let's get back to work" eye. Working in groups also helps girls learn how to cooperate with others who are a little different than they are.

4. Middle school is ripe for spiritual development. Tthe developmental changes a girl must go through include the spiritual dimension. Girls are finally able to grasp on an abstract level that they are sinners in need of grace. They begin to recognize their own messiness. The problem for me sometimes is that I forget that they're sinners. I want them to run after Jesus with such affection that I forget that they will stumble. But when you and I model mercy and restoration when they mess up (and they will—often!), they get a glimpse of Jesus with skin on.

 What do you love about working with junior high girls? What frustrates you?

An article on Time's Web site caught my attention this morning. The gist is this: girls' brains are hard-wired for social interation.

Not that this news is any surprise to me. Spend any time with girls and you'll notice that everything, and I do mean everything, in a girl's world revolves around relationships. What they wear. What movies they watch. How well they do in school. All in part (or in whole) determined by relationships. Relationships with friends. Teachers. Parents. Coaches. The opposite gender. Even their "relationships" with people in the media.

Today's article was a reminder to me that in everything I do with girls' ministry, I need to be aware of a girl's natural, God-given bent toward relationships. When I get completely frustrated with them talking too much during a Bible study, I need to be more patient. When I do "forced interaction" with girls they're not close to, I need to be prepared for a little flack. If I am trying to reach out to a girl who's struggling, I need to reach out to her friends, too. I need to be OK with the fact that not every girl in my group is going to be best of friends, sit around a campfire holding hands and sing "It only takes a spark...."

And, the article was stark reminder to me of what can happen to a girl who does not have solid, strong, healthy relationships. Just recently in the news in Nashville, a young woman killed her famous boyfriend and then herself. Speculation is that she feared he was breaking up with her, so she killed him and then tried to stage the scene so that when she killed herself, she would fall against him in a final picture of her dying love.

Other stories don't make the headlines, but they are just as serious: girls who get into bad relationships because they're looking for someone to love them; girls who choose to taunt and abuse (sometimes physically) another girl in order to "fit in" or because the victim somehow threatened her social status; girls who feel alone and abandoned, outcast and forgotten.

When it's all said and done, it doesn't matter how many events we have in girls' ministry or how "cool" all of them are if those events leave girls feeling disconnected. If we don't build relationships with girls and help them build a relationships with God and others, then we've missed meeting their deepest needs.

How do you try to build relationships with girls? How do you help girls build relationships with others?

If confession is good for the soul, then I hope to feel really great after writing this.

My name is Emily, and I am a type-A, planner-toting, time-conscious, detail-oriented micromanager.

There, I said it. I’m pretty stingy with my time and often have a hard time finding room on my calendar for things that come up unexpectedly. When one of my free-spirit friends wants to go get coffee

“sometime,” I demand to know when “sometime” is. I set up an appointment with this person, write it in my planner, and then hold them to it. That’s just one example. There is no telling how many people I’ve hurt by refusing to spend time with them in the name of maintaining my schedule.

My rigidity is not my favorite part of myself.

Recently, I threw it out the window.

It was surprisingly easy. A friend needed me. That was all it took. My best friend’s fiancé called to tell me that he was putting my best friend on a plane to Nashville from Denver so she could be with her dad, who was having emergency surgery. He wanted to know if I could pick her up at the airport and let her stay with me that night. He said she was too emotional to call me herself and too exhausted to drive the rest of the way to her hometown that night.

I didn’t even have to think about it. Of course I would take care of her once she arrived in Nashville. Moments earlier, I’d been planning out my one night of downtime for the week. But before I knew what I was doing, I was offering to take a vacation day the next day and drive her home (4.5 hours away). That ended up not being necessary (thanks to a very nice sales associate at Hertz who I’m pretty sure pulled some strings to get my friend a car), but I was completely willing to do it.

Looking back, I’m a little shocked that I didn’t freeze up at the thought of doing something that wasn’t on my planner. But the thought of being protective of my time didn’t even cross my mind at the time because I knew what was important. I’m sure you’ve experienced a similar situation.

That event put a lot of things into perspective for me. I learned several key lessons:
• Number one, when people you love need you, you will do whatever it takes to meet that need. (Which explains why we go to the lengths we do sometimes.)
• Number two, a lot of the things I think are important aren’t. (Suddenly, the TV shows and manicure I’d scheduled for that night really didn’t matter.)
• Number three, I need to loosen up. I highly doubt that Jesus would have been chained to His calendar, had they had day planners back in His day. He knew what was expected of Him, yet was free to serve when the opportunity presented itself. It’s amazing the freedom that comes when you have your priorities straight.

(And I’m happy to report that my best friend’s dad is just fine, and that I was able to spend a lot more time with her during the ordeal than I have since she moved to Denver nearly two years ago.)

So if you see yourself in my story, I hope you’ll loosen your grip on your planner and stop missing out on the parts of life that happen without warning. Enjoy your time! It’s God’s gift to you. Now take this Independence Day to celebrate your independence from stupid things that keep you from really living!